The best books on emotional intelligence

My fascination: head versus heart, thoughts versus feelings.

It is all here in this remarkable, and enlightening book that draws from studies on the physiological, and psychological aspects of our brains, our psyches, bringing these together in an intelligible way. In doing so it enhances our understanding of people’s ‘lived experience.’

The really interesting Appendices aid the knowledge base. Some readers will find it a very grounding, self-help book. It has no superficial frills, gimmicks, or pseudo-psychological theories.

It is one of many books that has helped me to have empathy for my fellow human beings. The book also offers guidance for employers, parents, and schools.

Published in 1995, it is still widely read today. Goleman has written follow-up books.

Since discovering Religion for Atheists, while researching my first book, I have loved me some Alain de Botton, but I recommend this one because I think it offers the most in terms of practical wisdom across a host of categories. Alain has spent his life doing for others what I spend a lot of time doing for myself: Trying to discover universal truths that lead to a greater enjoyment of life without having to resort to religious dogma or magical thinking. He explains plainly how to love life for what it offers, wholly accept what it does not, and understand that we all, truly, are in this together.

Gottman is widely considered the ultimate relationships guru, worldwide. When he turned his attention to parenting to write this book, he provided parents with a blueprint for understanding and dealing with children's emotions that is unsurpassed. I have used this book as a reference for nearly 20 years and still find gems that inspire better interactions between my kids and I. One of the best parenting books on the planet.

The Discarded Heroes series holds a special place for me, as these books gave me the push I needed to face my fears and finally pursue publishing my writing. The entire Nightshade team was written so authentically, they feel like part of my extended family. I’m recommending book three specifically, because of Canyon and Dani. Their ability to acknowledge their weaknesses, take responsibility for their mistakes, and push through anything to finish their mission still inspires me.

Visit Monsterville to discover fun poems for middle-grade readers paired with wondrous illustrations of the monsters that live there.

From a monster house that dances to a hunger monster that eats Dad’s apple crumble, this book feels like an invitation to frolic and feel a range of emotions from gratitude to sadness. I dream in monsters. Do you? 

This book takes an unusual, very modern approach by combining profit with sustainability and happiness. A current controversial discussion, after all, deals with the compatibility of sustainability and profitability. This compatibility is strongly advocated by the author. She also believes that a sustainably profitable offering makes the company and the customers happy. Overall, an enrichment of the discussion about profit orientation!

In the course of researching my book, I spoke to a number of people responsible for selecting senior leaders in their organizations and asked what they looked for. A strong majority mentioned executive or leadership presence—although few could define or describe it with any degree of specificity. But an “I’ll know it if I see it” approach doesn’t cut it for people who want to reach the executive level.

This book is a compilation of highly practical articles that, taken together, not only define leadership presence but suggest tangible steps to develop and project it. 

Ostensibly a book about emotional intelligence, this is in effect an account of Epstein’s theory of the self (see Chapter 3 onwards). I am a strong advocate of ‘dual process’ theories, the idea that we have two minds or modes of thinking, one that is fast, automatic, and reliant on heuristics, and another that is slower, deliberative, and rational. The most famous example of this is in the work of Kahneman and Tversky, who have identified various biases we employ in quick decision making. This understanding is vital for effective critical thinking, but I find Epstein’s notion of an affect-driven ‘experiential’ system to have deeper and more wide-ranging explanatory power. This applies both to self-knowledge, and to how we can engage more constructively with others.

Most leadership books are hyper-focused on one or two very finite and well-defined topics. 

Dean’s book intentionally takes the opposite approach. It’s like someone came up to this person who has had huge sales and general executive success and asked them to name their top twenty tips for having an effective career. But instead, Dean explodes with a few hundred amazing tips. 

From grand ideas such as “always be learning” and “fostering relationships” to very specific ones such as “be reliable” and “don’t show off or gloat,” this is an amalgamation of tried-and-true career wisdom delivered in an easy-to-digest manner. 

I imagine anyone reading this book will come away with several new maxims to live by. Bottom line – this is fast, useful advice.  

The granddaddy of literary autobiography and biography, Jean-Jacques Rousseau’s Confessions was written in 1769 but published posthumously in 1782. Rousseau, whose pioneering Romantic political philosophy was by then already influential, was setting out to do something equally new when he decided to study human nature, taking as his experimental model the human he knew best – himself. The rollicking result, sometimes self-flagellating, occasionally exhibitionist, deviates from its own model, St Augustine’s fourth-century religious-philosophical Confessions, in being chock-full of what nowadays we call emotional intelligence.

As an expert worrier, I really related to this book about a spunky girl named Ruby who one day discovers a worry. What I love about this book is that the worry is illustrated, so we can see its intimidating facial expression and watch it grow in size. The worry follows Ruby to all her favorite places—the school bus, the swing set, the movies—and it prevents her from doing what she loves. But it’s not until she spots another worry sitting with a boy that she is able to face her fear about the worry and do the best thing ever – talk about it. I love how this story shows children that talking about our feelings gives us power and strength to work through them.

Blink is a book about how you already know what you don’t know. Malcolm Gladwell breaks down how our instincts and “gut feeling” are always emotional reactions. Those instincts are based on past experiences and knowledge built over time. However, these instincts, whether they are acted upon or not, can be extremely valid even though we have trouble articulating it more than a “sixth sense.”  

Explaining how these instincts are developed and (more importantly) learning how to break them down in a way to communicate them in a meaningful way is how many leaders develop emotional intelligence and business acumen. 

My favorite lines in this book are the last few lines. “He realized that there was no such thing as perfectly normal...But he was perfectly Norman. Which was just as it should be.” Norman is a perfectly normal little boy until he grows a pair of wings. Initially, he is afraid to take off his coat and share his new wings with his friends and family. But over the course of the book, Norman realizes that hiding his wings is making him unhappy. When he finally gets the courage to share his true self, he realizes there are lots of other kids just like him, who were also hiding themselves. His courage gave them the courage to be themselves as well. It is a great book for talking to your child about how something they may think makes them odd, may end up being just the thing that helps… show more.

This is an undercelebrated leadership book.

Rarely do we go “under the hood” to understand the drivers that account for 90% of our day-to-day behavior. Understanding the core impetus behind a leader’s behavior and decisions is clearly one of my passions, and this book is an interesting read in that regard. 

In this book, Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries deftly deconstructs the way we believe we make decisions to reveal that, regardless of the veneer of rationality we maintain, our emotional responses to formative events early in life remain our inner compass.

His comparison of disparate paths to self-development exposes unexpected parallels which lend strength to his argument that feelings play an important role in leadership.

This book highlights not only theory, but how Google implemented mindfulness via a program with the same name “Search Inside Yourself,” which the author instituted and ran. I was impressed with the depth of the presentation, its simplicity, and the overall theme of mindful business to act as a catalyst to save the world.

The book starts out by emphasizing a focus on breath as access to mindfulness, and that mindfulness is a practice on – and off – the cushion. Tan shows that mindfulness is in sync with running a business and making a profit and can go beyond to make a greater impact on the world. He showcases how emotions can be mastered, empathy is not a weakness, and compassion is possible for the most stoic members of our teams. 

This book has more than stood the test of time.

Goleman played a key role in popularizing the notion of emotional intelligence. It’s a key skill for any executive but one I find is often misunderstood. Goleman makes a strong case that one’s emotional intelligence is rooted firmly in self-control and self-mastery. That is, you can’t really tune into others in a deep way unless you are in control of yourself and your emotions. I use this book often in my coaching, and it’s a revelation to many senior leaders and aspiring executives.