100 books like The Dance of Intimacy

Kevin Gilmartin is a psychologist and a retired sheriff’s deputy. I’ve known him for years. He is one of the funniest and wisest people around.

His book on managing a police career focuses on dealing with stress, controlling hypervigilance, and building resilience. Written in language cops and their families will recognize (he doesn’t mince words either), I know of no other book that so clearly describes the emotional and physical wear and tear of a police career and offers in-your-face advice on how to survive.

I’m married to a remodeling contractor, not a cop. I often need to explain this to people. If you’re looking for a tell-all memoir written by a police spouse, you have several to choose from.

Cyndi Doyle’s book is unique. She is both a counselor and a police spouse. Her book and her podcasts, Code 4 Couples, meld her personal and clinical experiences with up-to-date studies on behavior. She covers the field from sleep to sex using humor and candid examples from her own decade plus law enforcement marriage. I like her honesty and appreciate her telling it-like-it-is.  

I forgave Dr. Matsakis for the sexist title of her book written in 2005, nearly twenty years ago. While the title is hopelessly out of date, the range and scope of the information she provides is timeless.

She addresses topics other authors avoid such as sexual jealousy, loneliness, homecoming, and readjustment issues. Every chapter includes tips or exercises to help you tackle uncomfortable emotions and have difficult conversations with yourself and your loved one. She does a particularly good job writing about how children are affected by their parents’ job-related trauma.

Stephanie Conn had “cred.” She is a cop turned psychologist, and the daughter and wife of law enforcement officers.

Her book is both well researched and easy to read. What sets it apart from other books is that in every chapter she has separate sections specifically addressing the concerns and options for family members, civilian employees, and police administrators.

Written in the first person, I felt as though I was having a leisurely conversation with a wise, experienced woman who knows the police culture and is more than generous with her suggestions about navigating the ups and downs of a law enforcement career.

I first learned about Logan Ury listening to the podcast This is Dating. While I was waiting on the second season to drop, I learned about Dr. Ury’s book.

I’m not trying to be ageist, but it was refreshing to hear dating advice from a professional that isn’t older and hasn’t been married for decades. Ury’s dating years being more recent meant she gets the landscape modern daters are struggling to find love in. Her perspective was instantly more relevant to me.

There were also several knowledge gems that she dropped throughout her book that I’d already learned the hard way, which gave me more confidence in giving the new-to-me information she presented a shot.

This is an excellent book about relationships and attachment theory, which describes our attachment styles in relationships. I loved reading this book because it taught me about my own attachment style and how I am in relationships.

This is a must-read for anyone who wants to learn about themselves in relationships. I enjoyed the concepts in the book and how relatable it was. I recommend this to every human being who would like a relationship. It is a great way to learn about yourself.

Cathi Hanauer and I were editors together at Seventeen Magazine in New York City in our 20s. She tried, unsuccessfully, to convince me not to leave the magazine to marry an abusive man. I obviously regretted not listening to her – but I did get great material to write my memoir. I read The Bitch in the House one snowy Christmas Day lying in front of the fireplace as my three young children played with their presents around me. I recognized myself in the essays about the experience of being female in America, and the book inspired me to corral 26 moms in my own essay collection. I’m forever grateful to Cathi for assembling a group of badass truthtellers with great stories to tell.

I love this anthology by women over fifty because it offers such a wide range of truths about our experiences with sex and intimate relationships.

More than fifty essays and poems cover a variety of honest reflections on the exquisite, the good, the not-so-good, and the challenging parts of older women relating sexually to men, to women, and to themselves.

Feelings expressed range from the ambivalence, disappointment, and ecstasy of dating, to the pleasures of being single, to the joy of long-term sex and commitment, to the acceptance of the sometimes sudden movement between these states. Can be read in one or two delicious gulps! 

If you're looking for a book that captures the zeitgeist of contemporary relationships, here it is, well before the reign of Facebook. Calling upon social commentary, psychoanalysis, psychology, sociology, feminist theory, anthropology, family theory, and linguistics, the author presents a broad-based, scholarly, and sobering analysis of the toxic trends and processes in our society which are casting Americans adrift from their emotional and psychic moorings, and leaving them unable to initiate or sustain meaningful relationships.

Because of the ever-growing impersonal nature of our society, it has become more difficult to begin and sustain intimate relationships. Indeed, it seems as if modern life is represented by a series of relationships of convenience that often lack substance. These kinds of insights make this book very appealing. The author contends that we're losing our overall ability to be involved in meaningful relationships and instead are relegated to something less. Most important, the author… show more.

Long familiar to me, John O’Donohue’s books became a particular solace when grief arrived. I would recommend any of his books.

O’Donohue lived on the western coast of Ireland, and he had a distinctive wisdom about threshold spaces—those places between the life we have known and the one we cannot yet see—and a compassionate way of inviting us to receive the grace that comes as we stumble our way across those thresholds.

Eternal Echoes is one of my favorites among O’Donohue’s books. I am especially taken by his chapter about absence, where he acknowledges the deep ache of loss while also emphasizing that our losses are not utterly empty; they hold a hidden eternity that does not abandon us. I am both consoled and challenged by his assurance that grief is a mystery that knows its way.