The best books for daughters with toxic or complicated mothers

While I found this memoir to be beautiful in language and story, I connected most with the author’s stark revelations. She writes from the perspective of a daughter, then a new mother, and finally a caregiver for both her child and her ailing mother. As she navigates life in these varied roles, she begins to see the truth about her mother with compelling clarity. In the end, I felt a deep sense of understanding and was able to remind myself that while I have been naive in my own relationships, it was love that compelled me to cling to my mother, even at the cost of my own wellbeing. 

This vulnerable collection of essays drew me in with the words, “Our mothers are our first homes, and that’s why we’re always trying to return to them.” As I continued to read, I had the eerie feeling that the author had read my diary (although I don’t actually have a diary), had met my mother, and had lived my life in so many ways. And while this book contains stories from many authors, the single thread of longing for mothers who’ve loved and hurt us ties them together seamlessly. They are beautifully expressed, sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes humorous, but ultimately worthy of savoring. 

It’s been many years since I first read this book, and I am still haunted by the voice of its protagonist. Unlike the other mother-daughter books on this list, White Oleander is fiction, although readers who have clung to toxic mothers or endured hardship, abuse, loneliness, and abandonment, will see the truth on every page. The story and its characters are unforgettable.

Once again, I felt I’d found an author who read my diary. In this odyssey through memory, Jeannine Oullette recalls the painful past and the many ways in which trauma shaped her life. As I savored each vignette, I found myself also reading with urgency, eager to find the deeper meaning. It is thought-provoking and emotionally layered. Not a linear story, The Part That Burns deftly describes Ouellette’s life as a victim of sexual abuse and neglect, but never leaves the reader with a heaviness too great to bear. For me, this book was not so much a story as a flower to be plucked petal by petal.

This exquisite memoir contains a chilling account of Tretheway’s mother’s murder at the hands of Tretheway’s abusive stepfather. Delving into the past, she unearths her mother’s history and recaptures the days leading up to her death, even providing police reports of the conversations prior to the murder. And while her mother’s poor choices had a tragic ripple effect on Tretheway’s life, as I fully understand from my own mother-daughter experiences, her compassion never wavers and the result is an illuminating work of art and an example of the heart’s resilience.