The best books on spiritual sex and healthier relationships

Who am I?

I’ve been meditating since I’m 10 years old, constantly inquiring about why humans are suffering. This led me on a very introspective journey into tantra. After travelling the world for over two decades to study tantric lineages and spiritual traditions, I founded The New Tantra in 2010 and developed a range of workshops with ground-breaking sexual practices. Through this crazy, wild, and genderfluid exploration, I’ve taught thousands of people how to improve their sex lives and experience sexuality in a totally different way. I believe that by dealing with our sexual conditioning, we can live more playful, innocent, and happier lives for ourselves and the future generations to come.


I wrote...

50 Misconceptions of Sex: A Modern Tantric Practice

By Alexa Vartman,

Book cover of 50 Misconceptions of Sex: A Modern Tantric Practice

What is my book about?

Are you interested to learn about advanced sex that awaits beyond basic friction-only sex? This down-to-earth and unconventional Tantra manual is a bold proposition for a new sexuality for humanity. By clarifying 50 common misconceptions, the book explains and teaches a simple practice of intimate mastery. It brings the physical and mental effects of esoteric tantra within reach of a modern 21st-century audience.

Tantric practice transcends greed, shame, confusion, stagnation, and frustration by opening a gateway to transformational experiences that otherwise require psychedelics or years of meditation. Be warned: the book is unashamed and outspoken. For adventurous adult audiences with a sense of humor only. Suited for couples and singles regardless of gender and sexual orientation.

The books I picked & why

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Wild Nights: Conversations with Mykonos about Passionate Love, Extraordinary Sex, and How to Open to God

By David Deida,

Book cover of Wild Nights: Conversations with Mykonos about Passionate Love, Extraordinary Sex, and How to Open to God

Why this book?

This book has to be first on my list. With his teacher Mykonos, David Deida explores the realm where sex meets spirituality in the Crazy Wisdom tradition. I’ve been following this path myself for decades as I find it the fastest way for cultivating a free mind and spiritual growth. Crazy Wisdom is a Buddhist concept that involves practices so unconventional, outrageous, and unexpected, that they shock you out of your normal ego behavior patterns. The sex you can experience from this deconditioned space is mind-blowing. Through a fascinating and entertaining story, Wild Nights inspires us to get out of our boring shells, take a leap of faith and explore our deeper longings and fantasies.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

By Esther Perel,

Book cover of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence

Why this book?

What I teach people about sex helps them have a strong tantric base. This creates the sexual bonding and physical foundation that allows us to do the necessary emotional relationship work. However, I certainly don’t feel qualified to give advice on how to make romantic relationships succeed. That’s where famous relationship therapist Esther Perel comes in. In this eloquent book, she admirably tackles the age-old problem of sustaining both a good sex life and a good relationship in the long term. Combine these relationship skills with tantra and you’ll be equipped with some remarkable tools that exceptionally few couples have mastered yet.


The Ethical A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

By Janet W. Hardy, Dossie Easton,

Book cover of The Ethical  A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love

Why this book?

In my decades of teaching tantric sex, one thing has become clear: people share the same sexual fantasies, and there are only about a handful of categories they fit in to. One in particular is group sex or having sex with others than our primary partner. I’m not advocating infidelity, nor do I believe that an open relationship is somehow superior to monogamy. However, for those couples who long for non-monogamous exploration, this classic book by two pioneering authors offers a comprehensive and practical guide to sexual freedom in relationships. They offer tools on how to deal with sexual jealousy and how to practice respectful, loving openness where partners support each other’s growth. Win-win if you ask me.


You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

By Deborah Tannen,

Book cover of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Why this book?

I’ve worked with thousands of heterosexual couples and witnessed them hit intense layers of emotional resistance as they practise their deepest form of lovemaking. It often seems that this stems from men and women speaking different languages. According to linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, this is actual reality. The genders have different communication styles. In her book, she presents well-researched practical examples and offers tools to understand what goes wrong when you speak with your partner, and to find a common language in which to strengthen your relationship. Without this level of trust, it’s unlikely that either of you will be able to really let go and relax into deeper tantric orgasms. 


Free Women, Free Men: Sex, Gender, Feminism

By Camille Paglia,

Book cover of Free Women, Free Men: Sex, Gender, Feminism

Why this book?

Professor Paglia’s books are a tad academic for most people’s taste, but I find it important to feature her here. In this book, she stirs up important questions around gender and sex. It seems that we are steadily moving towards a growing acceptance of diversity to the point in which androgyny is even becoming a desirable trait. Being genderfluid myself, I’ve sometimes asked myself these questions daily. In order to have more spiritual sex, it’s important that we accept and acknowledge our desires, and I’m all for supporting the full expression of feminine and masculine in both women and men. On top of this, Paglia is a real provocateur, which I like and can relate to. Truly one of the bright minds of our time.


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