You Just Don't Understand

I found Tannen’s insights eye-opening as the roots of many misunderstandings became clear to me. For example, the distance that resulted when I was looking for the “gift of understanding” while my husband was giving me the “gift of advice.”

It is easy to dismiss Tannen’s work as dated or too stereotypical. I disagree. I find its real value is acknowledging that some people are wired differently than others. Recognizing this difference in “wiring” can then be surfaced, discussed, and addressed. That, in turn, is enormously powerful in helping us build stronger relationships—that has certainly been true for me!

As… show more.

Deborah Tannen has a unique ear for the different ways that men and women communicate.

The book resonated with my personal experiences, and helped me to understand why I was having different kinds of conversations with men than with women – particularly around work issues. Professor Tannen emphasizes that these communication styles are taught to us when we are very young (and they are reflected in the different games men and women play as children).

But that means we can change our communication styles too – we can communicate more clearly about our work-related needs, and adapt our communication patterns… show more.

I’ve worked with thousands of heterosexual couples and witnessed them hit intense layers of emotional resistance as they practise their deepest form of lovemaking. It often seems that this stems from men and women speaking different languages. According to linguistics professor Deborah Tannen, this is actual reality. The genders have different communication styles. In her book, she presents well-researched practical examples and offers tools to understand what goes wrong when you speak with your partner, and to find a common language in which to strengthen your relationship. Without this level of trust, it’s unlikely that either of you will be… show more.