The best books on how to improve couple and family relationships

John Gottman is one of the pioneers of the careful empirical study of what factors lead to couple distress and divorce versus longevity and happiness; he and his wife Julie Gottman, a talented couple therapist, have written many excellent books on how to improve couple relationships based on this research. 

This new book condenses their research-based wisdom into seven brief practical chapters with titles such as “Make Contact” (meaning responding to your partner’s “bids for attention”), “Ask a Big Question” (to learn more about your partner’s passions and ways of thinking about themselves and the world), “Say Thank You” (based on the finding that couples in which partners show appreciation for another do better over time), “Give a Real Compliment” (couples in which partners regularly express fondness and admiration for their partner do better), and more. 

I love this powerful little book because it distills years of research findings into a small space, and because it aligns with a point that I often make to couples: That contrary to popular opinion, a successful marriage does not take “hard work” or huge sacrifices, but rather, is built and sustained by small regular acts of kindness, acknowledgment, attraction, understanding, and compassion.

This bestselling classic book is designed especially for happy, newlywed or otherwise newly committed couples to teach them research-based communication and problem-solving skills, how to address “hidden” or broader issues like power and control, closeness and caring, respect and recognition, integrity, commitment, trust, and acceptance, which fuel specific conflicts around money, sex, childrearing, housework, in-laws, and others. 

It also provides tips on increasing fun, friendship, and intimacy.  Based on the authors’ decades of testing the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP©), it provides a simple guide to essential ideas and skills that maintain a healthy marriage – skills that many people do not learn in their families growing up. 

I trained with Drs. Markman and Stanley way back in the 90s and brought PREP to NYU Medical Center and ran many couple workshops, and I’ve seen how effective these relationship tools can be for happy couples eager to prevent the distress and divorce they witnessed in their families, as well as for couples just starting to have difficulties or those in the “deep end of the pool” who hope to chart a new, better course.

Dr. Fishbane is a clinical psychologist and couple therapist, and one of the most important clinical theorists in our field. 

She spent years amassing the emerging research on the social determinants of brain development and developed a practical approach to what she calls “neuroeducation” for couples – helping partners understand the neurophysiological underpinnings and effects of marital conflict, how partners regulate each other’s emotions, and how to manage one’s negative arousal to engage in loving, compassionate relationships. 

Although written for therapists, it is highly engaging and accessible for the general reader who seeks to understand why they become so distressed during conflict with their partners and how to manage their arousal for better communication.

The field of couple and family therapy started in the 1950s and led to several important, competing clinical theories for helping families and couples. 

However, those of us in the field regarded the introduction of systemic thinking as more than just a new therapeutic modality – we heralded it as a potential revolution in understanding and treating psychological and psychiatric issues. 

In systems theory, an individual’s emotional struggles and problematic behavior are viewed as due not only to “intrapsychic” conflicts, deficits in learning emotional- and behavioral-coping skills, and brain biology, but may affect and be affected by patterns of interaction in their intimate couple and family relationships. 

For instance, a partner’s depression may be in part caused by marital conflict and may serve to keep the other partner in the marriage (because he or she doesn’t want to abandon their depressed partner); likewise, a child’s misbehavior may redirect the parents’ attention from their talks of divorce towards managing the problems exhibited by their child. 

In the systemic view, improvement in an individual’s mental health and functioning only occur when these problematic “loops” between an individual and her or his family change. 

In this brilliant book, a team of leaders in the field associated with The Family Institute of Northwestern University in Chicago present a well-tested integrative systemic approach that combines the best aspects of different family therapy theories and show how this approach can be used not only in couple and family therapy, but also in work with individuals. 

Titling the book “Integrative Systemic Therapy” rather than “Integrative Family Therapy” emphasizes the applicability of their approach to working with clients individually as well as in conjoint relationship therapy. 

Dr. Doherty, a Professor in the Department of Family Social Science and Director of the Citizen Professional Center at the University of Minnesota has long been a voice for questioning the manner in which the psychotherapy field avoids the moral/ethical issues presented by our clients. 

Some of these ethical issues are presented directly by clients; others maybe be unacknowledged by them, such as the moral issues around whether to engage in a secret affair or to withhold important information from partners, friends, or business associates in order to attain personal gain. 

From Freud onward, psychotherapists have been trained to adopt a stance of ethical neutrality, with an emphasis on maximizing the client’s individual happiness, even if this means pursuing goals that may negatively affect the lives of those with whom they have important relationships. 

This emphasis on personal happiness above all else draws upon the larger Western Eurocentric emphasis on the individual’s rights and opportunities, as opposed to one’s involvement in a collective and community. 

Doherty presents a comprehensive, practical guide to the principles and craft of addressing such issues, ending the book with a strong argument for why therapists should emerge from the four walls of their offices and use their conflict negotiation skills to address problems in society: What he calls becoming a Citizen Therapist.