The best books for great sex, deep connection, and rainy day romance

I was a few years sober from alcohol, and in my first heterosexual relationship in quite a while when I read this book. Just being sober during sex, and having a penis involved, kept things interesting for about a year or so. But after a while, I wanted a deeper connection with my partner during sex, and more frequency. This proved to be challenging. One day I was crying on the phone about the state of my carnal life to a mentor and she recommended Passionate Marriage. So, I dug into the 408 pages of this relationship masterpiece. Spoiler alert, it didn’t save that relationship, but it did change my life.

It taught me about the erotic charge that can come from differentiation and how to navigate “relationship crucibles.”  I also first learned about open-eyed orgasms from Schnarch. I had been squeezing my eyes shut since I started having sex at 14, but after reading this book I was ready to be eyes wide open. I was also introduced to how incredibly spiritual sex could be, and that it was possible to have sex so good it felt like you had been plugged into the electrical socket of the universe. My next relationship was chock-full of mind-blowing sex and sexual awakenings beyond my wildest dreams.

Note to the reader: the first quarter of the book is quite dense, but it becomes way more accessible as you get in deeper! 

As someone with Complex PTSD and a boatload of attachment wounds, practicing ethical non-monogamy has brought up a lot for me over the years. I always found that most available resources skipped right over how someone with a history (and nervous system) like mine might best succeed in ENM. Polysecure has filled that big gap for me and many others. 

Yes, this is a book about ethical non-monogamy, but you don’t have to practice ENM to get a lot out of it. First off Fern does an excellent job of breaking down attachment theory and the effects of trauma in an engaging, accessible, and updated way. Learning about your and your partner’s attachment styles and how trauma may be affecting your relationship is a total game-changer. Plus, as someone who has been both monogamous and non-monogamous, I can say that ENM has much to teach anyone about navigating some of the most challenging aspects of relationships, such as jealousy and conflict resolution and repair. Both ENM and conscious monogamy can be greatly deepened with the insights from this book.

Here’s the truth. Because I’m not interested in partnership currently, I haven’t had a chance to fully experience the power of this book in my own life. But, reading it has greatly influenced how I plan to shape partnership in the future. I was able to start the process in my last relationship, by using the simple, yet downright miraculous tool of Imago Dialog, which is outlined in this book. We had a lot of trouble communicating through conflict, and Imago became a foolproof way to get to the other side of once impassable chasms. I love this style of dialog, as well as many of the exercises in this book, so much that I often suggest them to friends and clients.

I once had an initial call with a prospective client and gave him the instructions for Imago. While we didn’t end up working together, he contacted me a few weeks later to say that his marriage had taken a total 180 by simply implementing this communication technique. And that’s just one of the exercises that Hendrix and Hunt offer. I also find it cool that they are a longtime married couple who came to this way of relating through lots of trial and error, which they share openly about. 

All about Love is such a gift to humans, as was bell hooks. Reading this book is all at once heartbreaking, inspiring, confronting, soothing, illuminating, and a true call to action. The action being love. In the very first chapter, only four pages in, hook states, “Love and abuse cannot co-exist.” That hit me hard in the heart and made me question my entire understanding of love. While the non-dualist in me says that there isn’t any separation on the absolute level, on the relative and human level this quote rings with such profound truth.

I experienced many kinds of abuse at the hands (and in the words) of people who said they loved me, and the idea that maybe that wasn’t love after all, has been incredibly validating and freeing. As a reminder, I am only referencing one short sentence on page 4. This book is a limitless treasure trove of insights on love, which can benefit romantic love immensely. How are we supposed to love our partners well, and be loved well, if we haven’t explored the meaning of love with intention? The next time I’m settling into a romantic partnership, I plan to have a two-person book club starting with this epic piece of writing genius. 

I was 16, drunk on Dewar’s scotch in my current romantic obsession’s basement apartment, when he tossed this book onto the floor next to me, saying, “Here, read this.” I sat on the carpet and read the whole thing in about 90 minutes, then I started reading it again. I’ve since read it many more times, including aloud to a few lovers. The longest chapter is maybe 3 pages, each one is perfect. I’m including this book because I find it to be one of the most romantic books I’ve ever read. It’s by no means a romance novel, but it transmits the feelings of falling out and into love in a way that sinks into my bones and makes me feel alive with melancholic longing and easy love. In Watermelon Sugar also explores the love of place and time, and reminds the reader of impermanence and the preciousness of the moment at hand. Read this book aloud to someone lovely who is half-naked in your bed, or to yourself while you nurse a broken heart. Ideally, while it’s raining, with some classic jazz playing a few rooms away.