Polysecure

This is my favorite book about non-monogamy and polyamory; it uses attachment theory to explain our relationship dynamics. I particularly loved how detailed the book was. She described some of the self-destructive and less-than-ideal behaviors and thoughts I’ve had in past non-monogamous relationships and explained, “Okay, here’s why you’re likely doing this, and here’s how you become secure enough to do this stupid shit, no longer.”

I remember feeling very motivated after reading Fern’s book, as if I had an action plan for future relationships. Now—and hopefully, I’m not jinxing it here—I’m in the healthiest non-monogamous relationship I’ve ever been… show more.

This one should be required reading for anyone with even a passing interest in non-traditional relationships. Therapist Jessica Fern clearly and thoroughly explains attachment theory—the idea that the way in which we form attachments to our parents in early life fundamentally influences our adult relationships. Whatever your relationship practice, even this part of the book alone can help clarify so much about what makes you feel secure or insecure in your romantic relationships. Fern goes on to explain how these foundation principles of attachment intersect with non-monogamy, jealousy, and trauma, as well as offering her unique HEARTS model for building… show more.

As someone with Complex PTSD and a boatload of attachment wounds, practicing ethical non-monogamy has brought up a lot for me over the years. I always found that most available resources skipped right over how someone with a history (and nervous system) like mine might best succeed in ENM. Polysecure has filled that big gap for me and many others. 

Yes, this is a book about ethical non-monogamy, but you don’t have to practice ENM to get a lot out of it. First off Fern does an excellent job of breaking down attachment theory and the effects of trauma in… show more.