My favorite books about complicated friendships and meaningful connections within a broader network

In a memoir co-written by two best friends, Aminatou and Ann detail the joys and struggles of their “big friendship” over the years in an honest and hilarious way. I appreciated their stories and advice on the work it takes to keep meaningful relationships that don’t fade or become resentful. It didn’t come easy to be open with each other and vulnerable about the friction they felt from ignoring racial and class dynamics in their friendship. They situate their friendship within the dynamics of their friend groups, which they term “the friendweb.” To live “shine theory” within the friendweb, ties are collaborative, supporting each other so that “I don’t shine if you don’t shine.” This book makes it clear that friendship is not always easy, but it is worth it. 

While friends are important in many ways, so are “weak ties” within our networks. In this non-fiction book, sociologist Mario Luis Small analyzes interviews with a group of graduate students, investigating who they turn to for support about a range of topics, including love, depression, and finances. Because of the obligations that close friends and family entail, Small finds that people often avoid turning to these close ties and instead rely on the convenience of people in their orbits. I’m drawn to this book because it contradicts what we think we know about who we talk to about important matters and because it’s such a rich investigation of people’s social ties and under what circumstances they actually turn to the people closest to them.

This novel offers an incredibly rich portrait of complicated friendships within a broader network. Big Little Lies focuses on a group of women who all have children starting kindergarten. As the book unfolds, these women—especially Jane, Madeline, and Celeste—let each other into their inner worlds more. We also get a view of the broader network of “kinder moms” and “blonde bobs” whose lives appear nearly perfect. Within their close friendships and broader network, we see how people are our “friends” not because we call them that, but because they support us, in ways we don’t anticipate. The book develops these meaningful ties even more deeply than the HBO series, unraveling the twisted path to what happened at Trivia Night.

Although I really enjoy celebrity memoirs, I’m surprised by how infrequently friends, particularly more than just one close friend or romantic partner, play an important role in someone’s story. This book was an exception. Unlike most memoirs, it’s not written in a chronological way; instead, you get snippets of Amy Poehler’s life. The audiobook is especially hilarious because Amy Pohler reads it. Throughout the stories, you get a sense of the broader network of friends that support her at different points in her career. Friendships are meaningful and fun in this book.

Recently, I read this book series to my children and was struck by the depth of meaningful connections between Harry, Ron, and Hermoine and a range of other students and adults at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. While the whole series deserves to be read with this in mind, I particularly highlight Book 7, which is the final book in the series. The friends have relied on each other through so many adventures. Without giving away too much (in case you haven’t read it or seen the films), they ultimately succeed not just on Harry’s strengths but because they have each other. Children’s friendships are not easy (in real life or in fiction) and in this book, they contain jealousy, secrets, trust, and love.