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Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life Paperback – Illustrated, July 4, 2017

by Dr. Stuart Shanker (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 345 ratings
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There’s no such thing as a bad kid. That’s what a lifetime of experience has taught Dr. Stuart Shanker. No matter how difficult, out of control, distracted, or exhausted a child might seem, there’s a way forward: self-regulation. Overturning decades of conventional wisdom, this radical new technique allows children and the adults who care for them to regain their composure and peace of mind.
 
Self-Reg is a groundbreaking book that presents an entirely new understanding of your child’s emotions and behavior and a practical guide for parents to help their kids engage calmly and successfully in learning and life. Grounded in decades of research and working with children and parents by Dr. Shanker, Self-Reg realigns the power of the parent-child relationship for positive change. Self-regulation is the nervous system’s way of responding to stress. We are seeing a generation of children and teens with excessively high levels of stress, and, as a result, an explosion of emotional, social, learning, behavior, and physical health problems. But few parents recognize the “hidden stressors” that their children are struggling with: physiological as well as social and emotional. An entrenched view of child rearing sees our children as lacking self-control or willpower, but the real basis for these problems lies in excessive stress.
 
Self-regulation can dramatically improve a child’s mood, attention, and concentration. It can help children to feel empathy, and to cultivate the sorts of virtues that most parents know are vital for their child’s long-term wellbeing. Self-regulation brings about profound and lasting transformation that continues throughout life. Dr. Shanker translates decades of his findings from working with children into practical, prescriptive advice for parents, giving them concrete ways to develop their self-regulation skills and teach their children to do the same and engage successfully with life for optimal learning, social, and emotional growth.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    320 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Penguin Books
  4. Publication date
    July 4, 2017
  5. Dimensions
    0.9 x 5.5 x 8.3 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0143110411
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0143110415
  8. See all details
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From the Publisher

Unstand your child's behavior and more with the 5-step mehtod to self-reg
Quote from self-reg about finding the stressors for your particular child
Quote from self-reg about self-control versus self-regulation

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Though this book takes children’s needs as its focus, it is really focused on providing guidance—and even a degree of consolation—to adults as they navigate the often tricky parent-child relationship. Shanker gives readers clear explanations of even the more complex neurological information, such as the role of the limbic system, as well as ample diagrams. And the discussion does not stop at the early childhood stage, moving ultimately into adolescence. If the stressed populations most in need of this book’s lessons can find the time to read it, they will appreciate its potential to bring the minds of both parent and child to a state of heightened attentiveness with minimal anxiety.”—Publishers Weekly

"Comprehensive data backs up a much-tested system that assists parents in getting their children to a calmer state of mind....straightforward and will be useful for any age level."—Kirkus Reviews 

“Our digital age is stressful, frantic and over-stimulating. Raising a child today requires an understanding of self-regulation. Self-Reg is a wonderful guide for parents, a way to understand the hidden stressors facing children, and their neurological, psychological, social, and emotional effects. Dr. Shanker helps parents not just to understand the meaning of their child’s behavior with compassion, but, just as essentially, how to calm themselves in order to better guide their children toward more positively engaged living.”—Catherine Steiner-Adair, Ed. D., author of The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age
 
“Capping a lifetime of studying and thinking about children's emotions and behavior, the brilliant Stuart Shanker presents us with this stupendous gift, a true tour-de-force, in which he dismantles and elegantly reassembles, so that the layperson can understand, one of the most complicated mechanisms of the mind: self-regulation. Parents, rejoice! Read this book and you will be able to teach your children (and yourselves!) the practical, immensely valuable, and enormously satisfying skills of self-regulation.”—Edward Hallowell, M.D., author of Driven to Distraction: Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder

“Brilliant. In this illuminating and accessible breakthrough book, Stuart Shanker makes a powerful case for understanding children's behavior and misbehavior using the lens of self-regulation. I will never see children in the same way. I recommend Self-Reg to any parent, educator, or mental health professional who wants to understand children at the deepest levels, and who wants a practical technique for helping a stressed-out child feel safe and engaged.”—Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

“Self-Reg is for every parent, educator, and professional who cares for and about children. Dr. Shanker a leading expert in parenting, children, and development, combines decades of theory and practice to teach us about intense and reactive behavior in children in a conversational and understandable way. What's more, he is also teaching all of us about ourselves as human beings wired to think, feel, and react. Reading Self-Reg is like sitting down with Dr. Shanker for a consultation session. This book will transform lives.”—Dr. Dan Peters, Ph.D, psychologist, author, and cofounder of ParentFootprint.com and Summit Center

About the Author

Dr. Stuart Shanker is a Distinguished Research Professor Emeritus of Philosophy and Psychology at York University, founder of The MEHRIT Centre, and Science Director of the Self-Regulation Institute. He is former president of the Council of Early Child Development and the Council of Human Development. Dr. Shanker attended the University of Toronto and the University of Oxford, where he obtained his B.A., B. Phil and D. Phil. with distinction. His expertise is sought internationally, and he has been an adviser on child development to government organizations across Canada and the United States.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Penguin Books; Reprint edition (July 4, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0143110411
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0143110415
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 10 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 0.9 x 5.5 x 8.3 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 345 ratings

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Stuart Shanker

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
345 global ratings
Missing the first 20 pages!
1 Star
Missing the first 20 pages!
I got a defective copy of this book, it is missing the first 20 pages of the book. And it took me apparently more than a month to have time to read it so I'm outside of the return window and can't return it. I didn't think to check to make sure the book wasn't missing any pages prior to putting it in my bookshelf. Lesson learned!
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Top reviews from the United States

Lynne Kenney
5.0 out of 5 stars Read This Today!
Reviewed in the United States on February 18, 2017
Verified Purchase
This book is invaluable for teachers, principals, administrators, clinicians, and parents. Shanker's focus on self-regulation 1) as biological and 2) as a skill set that is built through positive interactions first, between parent and child and later through high-quality educator interactions are core concepts we all need to heed. Applying research and case studies, Shanker fluidly moves from one step to the next in recognizing, appreciating and then responding to the biological, physical, social and emotional experiences that enhance or disrupt regulation. With practical concepts and actionable advice, the reader walks away with critical understanding as well as advanced tools for their interactive tool-kit with infants, toddlers, children and teens. I highly recommend this book as well as Megan McClelland's Stop, Think, Act, if you work with or parent children who are anxious, angry, over-the-top, sensory sensitive, inattentive, impulsive or very active. If you are planning to have a baby, it's a smart choice as well so that you can reframe your child's behaviors in a manner that feeds rather than disrupts their emotional energy and attachment. Thank you to Dr. Denny Coates for recommending Self-Reg to me.
10 people found this helpful
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Patti S
5.0 out of 5 stars Informative and tons of great examples
Reviewed in the United States on April 13, 2020
Verified Purchase
This book helped me figure out so much about my child, who has debilitating social anxiety. I realized after reading it that he can't "calm down" because he becomes so nervous when I'm not around. People can become dysregulated for all sorts of reasons. There's no one-size-fits-all approach and Dr. Shanker repeatedly emphasizes this. However, he also provides so many different examples that you have a lot of background info to work with. I found that to be very helpful as I thought about my own child and what might help him learn to recognize what calm feels like.
3 people found this helpful
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sunny
5.0 out of 5 stars great book
Reviewed in the United States on November 30, 2023
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Wonderful book. Everyone should read it.
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Panda
4.0 out of 5 stars Eye opening
Reviewed in the United States on July 11, 2017
Verified Purchase
This book is great for a different, detailed look at stress and anxiety. Instead of treating stress and anxiety solely in a mental domain, this book takes a deeper look at the physiological aspect. With lots of science and real world examples, Self Reg walls you through recognizing stressors and their impact on health. You learn to reframe your thinking about misbehavior. What's missing is a detailed guide on how to fix issues once they're discovered, but a comprehensive guide on that would be impossible since what works to calm every person is different. Still,this book points you in the right direction to find peace.
10 people found this helpful
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MHLS
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing!!!!
Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2016
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My son has been diagnosed with anxiety, sensory processing disorder and ADHD at different times in his life but these labels do nothing to help explain what is going on inside of him and the behaviors that manifest from this inner turmoil. This book does just that! It is hands down the best book I’ve ever read on the subject and I think I’ve read them all. I was not surprised to find that the author worked under the great Stanley Greenspan and even co-authored a book called the ‘First Idea’ with him. The wonderful thing about this book is explains all the research in such a simple straightforward way. I feel like it answered every question I’ve ever had about my son. I think if you read this along with Ross Greene’s new’ Raising a Human Being’ you have all the tools you will need to successfully parent your stressed child. Dr. Shanker, thank you so much for writing this brilliant book!!
64 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars The best book I have read for my child
Reviewed in the United States on January 12, 2018
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This is the best book I have read for my child (and for myself), and I have read many. This book really helps you to understand children, understand their plight, and understand how to help them. You will still have to engage in trial and error (called "trial and insight" by the author) to determine and implement practices that work for your child. However the author informs and empowers you to do just this. If I could have only one book on child-rearing, this would be it. Please don't miss out on reading it.
7 people found this helpful
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MK
5.0 out of 5 stars The best 'parenting book' I've read
Reviewed in the United States on November 29, 2018
Verified Purchase
This book literally changed our lives. We adopted two wonderful children from the foster system and I've spent years reading parenting books, attending therapy sessions, advocating and seeking resources for our family. This book helped us so much. I felt like Stuart Shanker "got it" in a way that a lot of people do not. I emailed the Mehrit Center (Shankers Center) in Canada for more information about how to implement self-reg for my child. I signed up for an online course and learned to reframe behavior, practice better self-regulation and understand misbehavior vs. stress behavior. If you can take an online class, I highly recommend it. This philosophy can be life changing if you have a child who struggles.
24 people found this helpful
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ellaregee
5.0 out of 5 stars Answers the “Why cant you just ____!?” question parents get frustrated with
Reviewed in the United States on March 1, 2018
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This book has become my #2 favorite all time “parenting book”. I buy extra copies to give to friends. This book explains WHY our children with challenging behaviors act the ways they do. It explains the concepts of how to teach our children to regulate, which then leads to “self control” our Society is always harping on. The actual how of self regulation is up to the parent... that is briefly touched on. If you are baffled as to why your child “acts up” like they do, or can’t figure out “why cant you just ____?!” - this book will explain it all. Highly recommend for any parent, whether you have a challenging child, or not.
18 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Eduardo
5.0 out of 5 stars Lectura forzosa para todo padre de familia.
Reviewed in Mexico on February 20, 2019
Verified Purchase
Este es un libro que todo padre tiene que leer. Te muestra una manera totalmente diferente de que el niño regule sus emociones. Lo que aprendes en este libro no te lo da el sentido común, por eso creo que todo padre debería de leer y aplicar los conceptos de este libro.
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Gursharn Budwal
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Reviewed in Canada on December 5, 2017
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Highly recommend this book.
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Customer N
1.0 out of 5 stars Too superficial to be useful or interesting
Reviewed in India on June 8, 2019
Verified Purchase
Looked interesting based on the contents. However I found little value after reading a couple of chapters.
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A. J. Dean
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book for parents or teachers of stressed out, anxious, inattentive, restless, violent or challenging kids and teens.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 12, 2017
Verified Purchase
Such an important and interesting book for anyone whose child struggles with anxiety, paying attention, having meltdowns, violent and challenging behaviour etc. Stuart Shankar is a leading authority on helping children to learn to self-regulate. The book covers the different areas of stress that contribute to the dysregulation of the alarm system, leading to it being difficult or impossible for the child to switch off and relax. Looking at the physical, cognitive, emotional, social and what he calls prosocial domains, he explains how stressors in each of these areas contribute to overload and how they interact with and reinforce each other leading to the child's emotional brakes wearing out so they can no longer get themselves calm. He explains how each child is different and that once a child is in fight / flight / overwhelm the first thing to do is to work out what will help to calm and sooth them - like a shoulder massage, bath, music, drawing, exercise etc etc. A very different approach to the usual one of telling them off, putting them in time out, giving detentions or punishments for not meeting adult expectations - actions that increase stress and lead them to find it even harder to regulate themselves. By looking with different eyes at these behaviours and difficulties as manifestations of stress Shankar suggests we can learn to help our children to calm themselves and bring their rational thinking brain back on line. I cannot recommend this book highly enough to anyone who has or works with children with any of the difficulties I mentioned above.
10 people found this helpful
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Grace
5.0 out of 5 stars This book is a game-changer!
Reviewed in Australia on August 5, 2018
Verified Purchase
This is the second best book I have ever read. It answers questions I've had for almost 30 years regarding my childrens' behaviour as well as my own. As I read it, I became aware of years of built-up stress inside me. Now I have the tools to deal with it! Explains the why behind the golden rule - treat others as you would want to be treated.
If you have anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, family tension, reading this book may change your life!
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