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It's OK That You're Not OK Paperback – October 1, 2017

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As seen in THE NEW YORK TIMES • READER'S DIGEST • SPIRITUALITY & HEALTH • HUFFPOST
 
Featured on NPR's RADIO TIMES and WISCONSIN PUBLIC RADIO

When a painful loss or life-shattering event upends your world, here is the first thing to know:
there is nothing wrong with grief. “Grief is simply love in its most wild and painful form,” says Megan Devine. “It is a natural and sane response to loss.”
 
So, why does our culture treat grief like a disease to be cured as quickly as possible?
 
In
It’s OK That You’re Not OK, Megan Devine offers a profound new approach to both the experience of grief and the way we try to help others who have endured tragedy. Having experienced grief from both sides―as both a therapist and as a woman who witnessed the accidental drowning of her beloved partner―Megan writes with deep insight about the unspoken truths of loss, love, and healing. She debunks the culturally prescribed goal of returning to a normal, “happy” life, replacing it with a far healthier middle path, one that invites us to build a life alongside grief rather than seeking to overcome it. In this compelling and heartful book, you’ll learn:
 
• Why well-meaning advice, therapy, and spiritual wisdom so often end up making it harder for people in grief
• How challenging the myths of grief―doing away with stages, timetables, and unrealistic ideals about how grief should unfold―allows us to accept grief as a mystery to be honored instead of a problem to solve
• Practical guidance for managing stress, improving sleep, and decreasing anxiety without trying to “fix” your pain
• How to help the people you love―with essays to teach us the best skills, checklists, and suggestions for supporting and comforting others through the grieving process
 
Many people who have suffered a loss feel judged, dismissed, and misunderstood by a culture that wants to “solve” grief. Megan writes, “Grief no more needs a solution than love needs a solution.” Through stories, research, life tips, and creative and mindfulness-based practices, she offers a unique guide through an experience we all must face―in our personal lives, in the lives of those we love, and in the wider world.
 
It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a book for grieving people, those who love them, and all those seeking to love themselves―and each other―better.

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Popular Highlights in this book

From the Publisher

It's OK That You're Not OK

A book for grieving people and those who love them

It's OK That You're Not OK

Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.

This book provides a path to rethink our relationship with grief. It encourages readers to see their grief as a natural response to death and loss, rather than an aberrant condition needing transformation. By shifting the focus from grief as a problem to be solved to an experience to be tended, we give the reader what we most want for ourselves: understanding, compassion, validation, and a way through the pain.

It’s OK That You’re Not OK shows readers how to live with skill and compassion during their grief, but it isn’t just a book for people in pain: this book is about making things better for everyone. All of us are going to experience deep grief or loss at some point in our lives. All of us are going to know someone living great loss. Loss is a universal experience.

It's OK That You're Not OK

Navigating Early Grief

Explore the cultural and historical reluctance to feel grief. And while it won’t change anything inside your loss, hearing your personal experience set against the wider, broken culture can help shift things somehow, offer needed acknowledgment of how hard this really is.

It's OK That You're Not OK

Tools for Living in Your Grief

Exercises to help you manage the mental, emotional, even physical side effects related to your loss, and find tiny windows of calm where things aren’t all better, but they are somewhat easier to carry.

It's OK That You're Not OK

Rallying Your Support Team

Learn how to help a grieving friend as well as how to offer your friends and loved ones guidance on how they can best support you in your grief.

It's OK That You're Not OK

The Community of After

Dive into the ways we find true support and companionship inside loss, and the ways that pain—and love—get integrated into a life lived alongside loss.

Editorial Reviews

Review

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a permission slip to feel what you feel, do what you do, and say what you say, when life finds you in a place of profound loss and the world seems hell-bent on telling you the right way to get back to being the person you'll never again be.” ―Jonathan Fields, author of How to Live a Good Life, founder of Good Life Project

“Megan Devine has captured the grief experience: grief is not a problem to be solved, but a mystery to be honored. She understands the pain that grieving people carry on top of their actual grief, including the pain of being judged, dismissed, and misunderstood. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the book I’ve been waiting for for 30 years―the one I can recommend to any newly bereaved parent, widow, widower, or adult grieving a death.” ―Donna Schuurman, senior director of advocacy and training at The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families

“In this beautifully written offering for our broken hearts, Megan Devine antidotes the culture’s messed up messages about bearing the unbearable. We don’t have to apologize for being sad! Grief is not a disease from which we must be cured as soon as possible! Rather, the landscape of loss is one of the holiest spaces we can enter. Megan serves as our fearless, feisty, and profoundly compassionate guide.” ―Mirabai Starr, translator of Dark Night of the Soul: John of the Cross and author of Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation

“This book is POWERFUL. Too many grief books focus on ‘getting over it,’ but this book says: ‘Look grief in the eye. Sit with it.’ It’s OK That You’re Not OK comes at grief with no flinching. It’s intelligent and honest. It’s a message that everyone who has ever dealt with loss needs to read.” ―Theresa Reed, author of The Tarot Coloring Book

“Our current cultural norms surrounding death render us incapable of dealing with grief authentically and result in unknowingly causing more hurt and suffering to not only ourselves, but the people we care about most. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is the perfect how-to manual to help heal and support ourselves, each other, and our death-avoidant society.” ―Sarah Chavez, executive director of The Order of the Good Death

“Megan Devine knows grief intimately: she’s a therapist and a widow. In this wonderfully honest and deeply generous book, Devine confronts the reality of grieving and reminds us that ‘love is the thing that lasts.” ―Jessica Handler, author of Invisible Sisters: A Memoir and Braving the Fire: A Guide to Writing About Grief and Loss

“Megan Devine’s hard-won wisdom has the power to normalize and validate the experience of grief. If you’re tired of being asked, ‘Are you better now?’ read this book for a fresh perspective.” ―Chris Guillebeau, New York Times bestselling author of The Happiness of Pursuit

“Grief support and understanding that is heartfelt, straightforward, and wise.” ―Jack Kornfield, author of A Path with Heart

“It’s OK That You’re Not OK is a wise and necessary book. Megan Devine offers a loving, holistic, and honest vision of what it means to ‘companion each other inside what hurts.” ―Steve Edwards, author of Breaking into the Backcountry

“In a culture that leaves us all woefully unprepared to navigate grief, Megan Devine’s book is a beacon for a better way of relating. It’s OK That You’re Not OK shows us the path to be companions, rather than saviors, to loved ones who are experiencing deep pain. This book should be required reading for being human.” ―Kate McCombs, relationship educator and creator of Tea & Empathy events

“Megan Devine tells the truth about loss, and in doing so, she normalizes an experience that has been censored and stigmatized. It’s OK That You’re Not OK is enormously comforting and validating. Through her life work―and now this important book―Megan leads us to a place that’s rare in our culture: a place where our loss is valued and honored and heard.” ―Tré Miller Rodríguez, author of Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir

“One of the hardest things about going through hard times is trying to get and give support. In It’s OK That You’re Not OK Megan Devine guides us through tough times with grace. With loving acceptance and compassion, Megan is the new, warm perspective you need.” ―Vanessa Van Edwards, author of Captivate and behavioral investigator at ScienceofPeople.com

“Megan Devine shows us that rather than treat grief as an illness to recover from, we can approach it with warmth and understanding. This is an invaluable book.” ―Rene Denfeld, bestselling author of The Enchanted and The Child Finder

“This book is the radical take on grief we all need. Megan Devine breaks apart stereotypes and societal expectations that layer additional suffering on top of the intense heartbreak of loss. For those in grief, these words will bring comfort and a deep sense of recognition. With precise language, insightful reflections, and easy-to-implement suggestions, this book is a flashlight for finding a way in the darkest times. For anyone looking to support others in their grief, this is required reading!” ―Jana DeCristofaro, coordinator of Children’s Grief Services, The Dougy Center for Grieving Children & Families

About the Author

Megan Devine is a writer, speaker, and advocate for emotional change on a cultural level. She holds a master’s in counseling psychology. Since the tragic loss of her partner in 2009, Megan has emerged as a bold new voice in the world of grief support. Her contributions via her site Refuge in Grief have helped create sanctuary for those in pain and encouragement for those who want to help. For more, visit refugeingrief.com.

Mark Nepo is a poet and philosopher who has taught in the fields of poetry and spirituality for over 40 years. A New York Times #1 bestselling author, he has published 21 books and recorded 14 audio projects. Mark has been interviewed several times by Oprah Winfrey as part of her Super Soul Sunday TV show, and was interviewed by Robin Roberts on Good Morning America. As a cancer survivor, Mark devotes his writing and teaching to the journey of inner transformation and the life of relationship. His work has been translated into more than 20 languages. For more, see marknepo.com.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Sounds True Adult; 1st edition (October 1, 2017)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 280 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1622039076
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1622039074
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.25 x 0.75 x 7.95 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 11,441 ratings

About the author

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Megan Devine
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Psychotherapist and bestselling author Megan Devine is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on grief, from life-altering losses to the everyday grief that we don’t call grief. She helms a consulting practice in Los Angeles and serves as an organizational consultant for the healthcare and human resources industries. Her celebrated animations and explainers have garnered over 75 million views and are used in training programs around the world.

The best-selling book on grief in over a decade, Megan’s It’s Ok that You’re Not OK, is a global phenomenon that has been translated into more than 25 languages. Megan is an executive producer and host of the podcast It’s OK that You’re Not OK (fka: Here After with Megan Devine), and is a featured expert in the PBS documentary, Speaking Grief.

Megan is a licensed psychotherapist, and a member of the California Association for Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors. She’s run a private consulting practice for more than 20 years. Her work has appeared in GQ, Harvard Business Review, Washington Post, New York Times, Stanford University, and on APM’s Marketplace.

Need help navigating grief for yourself, your clients, or your team? Megan can help.

Learn more at megandevine.co or by following @refugeingrief on IG

Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
11,441 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find this book helpful and insightful. They praise the author's genuine writing style and understanding. The book provides comfort and a well-thought-out approach. However, some customers disagree on the pacing.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

389 customers mention "Book helpful"389 positive0 negative

Customers find the book helpful and special. They say it provides valuable advice, authentic truths, and personal stories about grief. Readers also mention that the author is great and the book is practical and a valuable resource.

"...The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences. It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and..." Read more

"...feels like having an intimate conversation with a friend and offers sage advice (a veritable how-to and, more importantly, how-not-to guide) for..." Read more

"...provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of..." Read more

"...narratives are heartfelt, and the guidance is both compassionate and practical, making it a valuable resource for anyone dealing with grief...." Read more

267 customers mention "Insight"255 positive12 negative

Customers appreciate the book's insight and compassion. They find it informative and helpful for understanding their feelings and actions. The guidance is compassionate and practical, providing a place to relate and feel understood by another human.

"...It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully...." Read more

"...She seamlessly blends two very different and vitally important perspectives: writing as both a therapist and a young widow who lost her spouse to a..." Read more

"...explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use..." Read more

"...The narratives are heartfelt, and the guidance is both compassionate and practical, making it a valuable resource for anyone dealing with grief...." Read more

162 customers mention "Writer"136 positive26 negative

Customers find the book written by a compassionate and understanding author. They appreciate the genuine words and genuine persona of the author. The book provides easy-to-understand information about grief in an understandable way. It contains writing prompts, stories from grievers, advice for self-care, and you can hear the truth in her voice.

"This book should be an instruction manual for Life, not only losing a loved one! The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences...." Read more

"...I would love to meet her, what a compassionate and understanding person she appears to be and if you are interested in learning more or dealing with..." Read more

"...She said this, over and over and over. It is powerful writing. I found it too powerful - too overwhelming - for the fresh, early stages of loss...." Read more

"...and how it doesn't support or handle grief AT ALL and is just beautifully written." Read more

99 customers mention "Honesty"99 positive0 negative

Customers appreciate the book's honesty. They find it real and accurate, describing their feelings and experiences. The author is described as a credible source of useful information, bringing both educational and personal experiences.

"...The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences...." Read more

"...qualified to address the complexities of grief, and does so with heartfelt honesty and eloquence...." Read more

"...She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own..." Read more

"...No sugary platitudes or pep talks here, just real, raw, understanding of grief, how to carry it and how to grow around it...." Read more

57 customers mention "Comfort"52 positive5 negative

Customers find the book comforting and refreshing. They appreciate the author's directness and reassurance that it's okay to feel. The book touches their core and allows them to release feelings they have been burying.

"It wasn’t an easy read, but grieving isn’t easy. The book excels in providing comfort and practical insights for those facing loss...." Read more

"...It was a comforting read to realize I am not alone in my grief. I have actually read this book over and over...it's become my solace...." Read more

"...Both of them told me that they found the book comforting...." Read more

"...It is a very human book, full of grace, permission to feel, and written in a way that it does not come off as one of those 'self-help' books...." Read more

29 customers mention "Thought provoking"24 positive5 negative

Customers find the book thought-provoking and well-organized. They appreciate the creative exercises and ideas for self-care. The author is described as smart, kind, and funny. Overall, readers consider it a valuable resource for dealing with loss and letting go of expectations.

"I love some of the thoughts and ideas in this book, but I think the examples, anecdotes and stories of others people’s experiences of death and..." Read more

"...in an easy to understand and non complicated way and then gets into the good stuff...." Read more

"...There are a lot of gems to pick up in this book and I do recommend it personally...." Read more

"...Megan Divine’s story and how she walks the reader through grief is beautifully done. Glad I bought this." Read more

30 customers mention "Pacing"14 positive16 negative

Customers have different views on the pacing of the book. Some find it well-crafted and relatable, with solid knowledge about grief. The first chapters are considered the strongest, and the author's words of love and care help hold it together. Others feel the book is repetitive and a waste of time, with lazy and oppressive language.

"...It is powerful writing. I found it too powerful - too overwhelming - for the fresh, early stages of loss...." Read more

"...appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one...." Read more

"...Informative compassionate and still can get repetitive...." Read more

"...I feel the book is strongest in the first chapters on the reality of loss, why words of comfort feel so bad, and why our models of grief are broken..." Read more

26 customers mention "Spiritual content"13 positive13 negative

Customers have different views on the spiritual content of the book. Some find it non-judgmental and without sugary platitudes or empty promises about fixing themselves. Others feel it lacks a spiritual side and is harsh on religion.

"...No sugary platitudes or pep talks here, just real, raw, understanding of grief, how to carry it and how to grow around it...." Read more

"...The approach to religion in this book is a bit harsh. It isn't necessarily wrong, but as a Christian, I let people vent...." Read more

"...It did not speak to the core issues I was going through. "It's okay to not be okay," tell the truth about grief...." Read more

"...Lacking a Spiritual side completely" Read more

Caretakers grieve differently
5 out of 5 stars
Caretakers grieve differently
Haven’t finished it yet I feel I haven’t starting grieving yet she’s on vacation & will come home when she never coming home again
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on July 3, 2024
    This book should be an instruction manual for Life, not only losing a loved one! The book feels so accurate in my feelings and experiences. It’s helpful and effective, even encouraging, in gaining understanding and validity, and the ability to move forward successfully. It has been the truest reflection of everything I have felt about my life and every issue I’ve been through. I’ve experienced childhood trauma, medical and emotional difficulties, and multiple family deaths, including the sudden, unexpected loss of my 54 year old husband. I’ve never found the support I truly need from family or friends, and I’ve seen poor therapists until only recently finding, through persistence, someone valid and supportive. What I’ve felt, what I’ve received as ‘support’ from people around me, the results… all of it put me in a terrible place, with me believing so much was my fault, I was a horrible person, and I could never pick up the pieces. But when you can finally feel that you are valid in your feelings and even understand those around you, you can begin to overcome; and even eventually help others overcome in their times of need. A couple times I’ve discussed with my therapist what I’m learning from the book to get her feedback and perspective, which is always positive, and also in hopes she’ll read it because anyone can gain insight from it. Quoted from the book: “Many grieving people feel like they’re on another planet, or wish they could go to one. Somewhere there are others like them. People who understand.”
    32 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 21, 2024
    This book is truly remarkable and everyone will benefit from reading it! The author is uniquely qualified to address the complexities of grief, and does so with heartfelt honesty and eloquence. She seamlessly blends two very different and vitally important perspectives: writing as both a therapist and a young widow who lost her spouse to a tragic accident. Reading the book feels like having an intimate conversation with a friend and offers sage advice (a veritable how-to and, more importantly, how-not-to guide) for those in grief and the friends and family members who desperately want to help - but have no idea how to do so productively
    2 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on October 3, 2017
    I've been gifted, loaned and purchased many grief books in the two years since my son died. I can honestly say that none of those texts resonated with me and the truth of my grief experience more than Megan Devine's new book. She is a credible source of useful information, bringing not only her educational and occupational background to bear but more importantly her own life experience with deep loss and a broken culture. Above all, she is a truth teller and an advocate you'll want in your grief space.

    The beauty of this book is the universal insights it offers for EVERYONE who has experienced deep grief or desires to genuinely support another in their loss. The author outlines a refreshing take on grief for the reader's consideration, one where acknowledgment and a desire to love better are critical components in supporting ourselves and each other following a significant loss (ie. death, accident, illness, etc.) She adeptly explains the model's concepts in lay terms, provides numerous examples for better understanding, and recommends practical exercises that one can use to help identify and manage the impact of grief. The quotes from her writing students are especially relevant and poignant.

    I found Megan's work validating and thought-provoking, especially concepts such as her broader definition of "early grief", common platitudes (and why I feel their adverse affect), the critical distinction between pain and suffering (and how to minimize latter), grief as an experiment rather than a problem to be solved, and the vital role of acknowledgment and companionship in creating a way forward. One of my favorite sections is the appendix, an essay on helping a grieving friend, which offers carefully-crafted and readily shareable ground rules for supporting a loved one.

    I'd recommend reading this book if you or a loved one are in the midst of deep grief and looking for validation, guidance, and honesty in a post-loss world. This book, and especially the associated resources available at refugeingrief.com, are powerful tools for navigating your grief landscape with love and understanding. It's permission to grieve in your way and in your time ... and this has made all the difference in my own post-loss landscape.
    1,524 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 20, 2024
    I picked up this book after the unthinkable happened, the unexpected loss of my son-in-law. As the author, Megan Devine, says "I'm sorry that you have need of this place, and I'm so glad you're here." No sugary platitudes or pep talks here, just real, raw, understanding of grief, how to carry it and how to grow around it. I can't recommend this book more highly to those grieving and those who love them and desire to give them the support they need. In the wake of our family's loss, I purchased 25+ combined copies of this book and Megan's "How to Carry What Can't Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief". Buy one for yourself and gift copies to loved ones in grief and those who love them!
    9 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 14, 2024
    It wasn’t an easy read, but grieving isn’t easy. The book excels in providing comfort and practical insights for those facing loss. The narratives are heartfelt, and the guidance is both compassionate and practical, making it a valuable resource for anyone dealing with grief. Highly recommended for its depth and empathy.
    5 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Translate all reviews to English
  • Bg22
    5.0 out of 5 stars A great read
    Reviewed in Canada on January 4, 2025
    This book has been eye opening in how grief is carried and the expectations society places on us. It’s honest and has helped me with my own personal grief. Highly recommend reading it!
  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Muy bueno
    Reviewed in Mexico on August 19, 2023
    Altamente recomendable.
  • Priscila F.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Life changing
    Reviewed in Brazil on August 26, 2022
    This book is simply amazing!! I highly recommend it.
  • SJE
    5.0 out of 5 stars Validating & companionship
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 31, 2024
    Megan articulates much of what I've felt and thought over the past 19 years since losing my first husband. I felt shame & guilt for my revulsion of people's kind words yet deeply hurtful platitudes and toxic positivity. Now I'm reconciled to my emotions & no longer feel alone, ungrateful and so miserable.

    Megan is a very talented writer tackling the most difficult and taboo of topics with directness, frankness yet compassionately, sensitively and inclusively. Her words bond with the reader and her talent is making difficult writing become easy reading.
    I'm so sorry if you've come by this book because you're grieving and so heartened if you are supporting someone who is grieving. Megan explores and explains strategies for dealing with life, death, grief - the whole damn gamut of emotions, our inner selves and people, especially dealing with people trying to fix the utterly unfixable.
    I finished this book feeling less lonely than when I started reading it. I feel validated, hugged and loved by Megan's words. Grief is something we need to make space for, however ugly and uncomfortable. It can't be rubbed out, forgotten or got over with.

    Thank you Megan & thanks for how to carry what can't be fixed.
  • L.
    5.0 out of 5 stars Support I didn’t know I needed
    Reviewed in Belgium on December 15, 2024
    The first few pages had me in tears. The writer gives validation to feelings and thoughts. She says it like it is and feels and that comforted me instantly. I really like this book. For me, it’s al added value to my proces of grief.