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I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself: A Novel Paperback – January 9, 2024

4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 308 ratings

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Dept. of Speculation meets Black Mirror in this lyrical, speculative debut about a queer mother raising her daughter in an unjust surveillance state

In a United States not so unlike our own, the Department of Balance has adopted a radical new form of law enforcement: rather than incarceration, wrongdoers are given a second (and sometimes, third, fourth, and fifth) shadow as a reminder of their crime—and a warning to those they encounter. Within the Department, corruption and prejudice run rampant, giving rise to an underclass of so-called Shadesters who are disenfranchised, publicly shamed, and deprived of civil rights protections.

Kris is a Shadester and a new mother to a baby born with a second shadow of her own. Grieving the loss of her wife and thoroughly unprepared for the reality of raising a child alone, Kris teeters on the edge of collapse, fumbling in a daze of alcohol, shame, and self-loathing. Yet as the kid grows, Kris finds her footing, raising a child whose irrepressible spark cannot be dampened by the harsh realities of the world. She can’t forget her wife, but with time, she can make a new life for herself and the kid, supported by a community of fellow misfits who defy the Department to lift one another up in solidarity and hope.

With a first-person register reminiscent of the fierce self-disclosure of Sheila Heti and the poetic precision of Ocean Vuong,
I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself is a bold debut novel that examines the long shadow of grief, the hard work of parenting, and the power of queer resistance.
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Winner of the Lambda Literary Award for LGBTQ+ Speculative Fiction
Finalist for the Libby Book Awards
Goodreads, A Buzziest Debut Novel of the Year

Named a Best Book of the Year by
Esquire, Debutiful, Independent Book Review, Library Journal, Chicago Review of Books, Washington Independent Review of Books

Named a Most Anticipated Book by Autostraddle, Lambda Literary, Ms., Independent Book Review, LGBTQReads, and more

"What would
1984 be like if Winston Smith had an endearing personality? Crane’s book gives us a disarming model for life under surveillance. Kris’s voice is everything in this novel—she’s a morose, prickly, paranoid yet lovable narrator with exquisite comic timing . . . I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself is a meditation on those precious acts through which Kris finds her way: the joy of queer parenting and chosen family, the beauty of forgiveness and the resistance inherent in expansive love." —Lydia Kiesling, The New York Times Book Review

"A proponent of prison abolition, the author couldn’t help diving into its potential aftermath under a system that might never shake the impulse to punish and banish . . . Equally central to the novel is an exploration of how grief changes people—the way it can become a personal apocalypse, irrevocably separating 'before and after.'" —Lorraine Berry,
Los Angeles Times

"There’s a lot going on in Crane’s hard-to-classify, hard-to-put down debut novel, but at its heart, beneath the gorgeous sentences and gallows humor and speculative-fiction machinations, it’s a survival story." —Patrick Rapa,
The Philadelphia Inquirer

"[An] electric debut . . . This book is as sexy as it is dystopic, which is saying a lot." —Emma Specter,
Vogue

"Fans of
Black Mirror will enjoy this novel set in a world where those charged with a crime won't face incarceration, but instead gain shadows which follow them around as a constant reminder of their wrongdoing, while also serving as a warning to others." —Milan Polk, Men's Health

"Sharply-rendered . . . Interspersed with humor, warmth and lodve . . . Deeply hopeful . . . A reminder that no matter how dire the circumstances, we still have each other." —Kendra Sitton,
San Diego Magazine

"This singular debut offers a fresh peek at our dystopian future, one in which wrongdoers carry around extra shadows as reminders and warnings of their misdeeds." —Karla Strand,
Ms.

“Crane’s debut is like a macabre yet endearing
1984 for the modern age, supplemented by the author’s disarming humor in what is otherwise a heavy book.” —Emily Bond, A HuffPost Best Book of the Year

"A force . . . A journey of rage, healing, friendship, family, love, and in many ways, coming of age . . . An immersive and propulsive story with characters who are deeply human in their vulnerabilities and their resilience." —Sarah Neilson,
Shondaland

"A thought-provoking, inventive examination of queer motherhood, forgiveness, redemption, punishment, surveillance, and so much more . . . It’s a brilliant, disturbing read, yet full of heart, love, and found family." —Margaret Kingsbury,
BuzzFeed

"Engrossing . . . Like much of the finest near-future science fiction—including George Orwell’s
1984 and Philip K. Dick’s Minority Report—Crane’s novel shows how disenfranchised individuals can resist and subvert authoritarian powers . . . By centering the novel on a touching, intimate story of a queer family searching for freedom and happiness against all odds, Crane uses speculative fiction to ask how we, too, can create new, more liberatory futures in our present moment." —Daniel Spielberger, them

"A hall-of-famer . . . I’ll ride for this book forever. It’s not just that I want all of you to read it; it’s that I want all of you to
have read it already, so that I’m not so alone with the enormity of my feelings about it and you’ll already know exactly what I mean."—Yashwina Canter, Autostraddle

"Elegant . . . The novel stands out in its poetic reporting on the everyday experience of living under incessant observation and enforcement." —Aram Mrjoian,
Chicago Review of Books

"
I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself contains multitudes: dry humor, vibrant characters, unapologetic queerness and eroticism, the political manipulation of safety and respectability, the push and pull of mother-daughter relationships, and the questioning of what one says (and doesn’t say) to those one loves most. It is, in sum, a book about guilt, grief, and forgiveness—the hard kind you have to give yourself." —Tara Campbell, Washington Independent Review of Books

"This speculative novel about crimes, motherhood, and loss is truly unlike anything else you’re read this year. Marissa (Mac) Crane deftly navigates the darkness our future can hold with breathtaking and engrossing prose. There is no doubt this book should be taught throughout the education system as a new classic to high school students as well to those in writing seminars." —
Debutiful

"A stunning book. It is staggering how many things it manages to be at once. It’s poetic and experimental, dystopian and tender, kinky and queer. It is about grief and loss but also about love and hope, community in the face of adversity and, perhaps above all, the love between a mother and her daughter . . . [A] joy to read. Crane is a poet in addition to a novelist, and their prosody shines through every page. And, in response to every darkness, there felt like there was some light . . .
I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself would work on its own without the speculative dimension as a beautiful meditative reflection on various kinds of love and loss. And it it would work equally as well as an exploration of a surveillance society interested in creatively punishing its citizens, and the pockets of resistance such a society might inspire. Luckily for us, Crane has somehow written both."—Sam Paul, Feminist Book Club

"The book is speculative in the way that Octavia Butler’s
Kindred is speculative: the premise pushes on the limits of reality only to bring us closer to understanding our own relationships . . . In a fragmented and intimate style that evokes writers like Sheila Heti and Jenny Offill, Crane allows Kris to explore all the corners of grief, love, desire and hope as she finds a way to forgive herself and reinvent her family’s form." —Rebecca Ackermann, Electric Literature

"Mesmerizing . . . I was highlighting sentences in this book before I was ten pages deep . . . Reading can sometimes be an unexpectedly physical experience, and reading
I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself was one of those times for me . . . One hell of a debut." —Molly Templeton, Tor

"There’s a deep intimacy to the way Crane tells this story . . . Reading
I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself feels like paging through a beautifully rendered therapy exercise that was designed to remain in the closed-door confines of the psychiatrist’s room . . . Gorgeous, heartbreaking prose . . . This novel is so full of sharply observed gut-punches and painfully human truths (about love, loss, desire, bureaucracy, fear mongering in the media, loneliness, kink, queerness, and new motherhood) that you’ll be thinking about Crane’s magnificent, evocative phrases for a while . . . Equal parts queer, devastating, precious, and thought-provoking, I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself is an unforgettable experience, exploring what it means to be human and illuminating the healing significance of finding community in the depths of your despair." —Andrea Marks-Joseph, Independent Book Review (starred review)

"The beautiful, spare narration from Kris as she struggles with grief and motherhood delivers a deep emotional punch, lightened by dry humor and the hope in human connection. For fans of Emily St. John Mandel’s
Station Eleven and Veronica Roth’s Poster Girl." —Library Journal (starred review)

"The author’s profound maturity shines as they interrogate the creation of family, criminalization, and queer resistance. Readers will be moved and electrified." —
Publishers Weekly (starred review)

About the Author

MARISA CRANE is a writer, basketball player, and sweatpants enthusiast. Their work has appeared or is forthcoming in Joyland, No Tokens, TriQuarterly, Passages North, Florida Review, Catapult, Lit Hub, The Rumpus, and elsewhere. An attendee of the Tin House Workshop and Bread Loaf Writers' Conference, they currently live in San Diego with their wife and child. I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself is their first novel.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Catapult (January 9, 2024)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 352 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1646222067
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1646222063
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.52 x 0.95 x 8.23 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.3 4.3 out of 5 stars 308 ratings

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Customer reviews

4.3 out of 5 stars
308 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers praise the book for its well-written and thought-provoking premise. They find the story touching and describing the emotions of grief and loneliness. The humor and banter make the pacing punchy and easy to follow. Overall, customers describe the book as an enjoyable read and a perfect dystopian novel.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

12 customers mention "Writing quality"12 positive0 negative

Customers enjoy the writing quality of the book. They describe it as well-written, fantastic, and brilliant. The book appeals to readers who liked The Argonauts memoir. Readers appreciate the beautiful writing and creative literary surprises.

"...The book will appeal to readers who liked The Argonauts, the memoir by Maggie Nelson; Ursula LeGuin’s novel the Left Hand of Darkness; and the..." Read more

"...It is some of the most beautiful writing I’ve seen in a long time. A man described as a dial tone. Mountains like knuckles...." Read more

"This book is truly amazing. I felt that Kris is so relatable and that she could be a real person...." Read more

"I loved this book, but why did they put this barcode sticker ON THE COVER?! Getting the glue off too forever." Read more

6 customers mention "Thought provoking"6 positive0 negative

Customers find the book thought-provoking and engaging. They find the premise intriguing and the storytelling format unique. The book provides great discussion points after reading, with a fresh idea.

"Mac’s book is incredible. It’s well-written, beautiful, thought-provoking, candid, and the plot twist actually got me lol...." Read more

"...The whole idea sounded intriguing but it just fell flat for me...." Read more

"...I read it for a book club and thought we had a lot of great discussion points on it post-read." Read more

"...The writing was captivating and the idea was fresh. I loved the tone and the creative literary surprises. Well done and a must read!" Read more

5 customers mention "Emotion level"5 positive0 negative

Customers find the book touching and a deep look at grief. It names these emotions and beckons to them. The story also speaks to loneliness, grief, and suffering lodged deep within. Readers mention it's tender and brilliant story of chosen family.

"...This is a deep look at grief and its multigenerational ripples, coupled with a story of resistance to the status quo, as well as an examination of..." Read more

"...This story talks about real life issues such as grief, how to raise a child in a messed up world, finding your way even without knowing all the..." Read more

"...It names these emotions, beckons to them and says “I see you, I know you. You are not alone and it doesn’t have to be this way...." Read more

"...I really loved it so much! Such a touching story about a mother grieving the loss of her partner, learning to love her daughter, and navigating life...." Read more

5 customers mention "Humor"5 positive0 negative

Customers enjoy the humor in the book. They find the vignette style engaging and the banter humorous. The writing is described as well-written, thought-provoking, and candid.

"...There’s plenty of raunch—Kris mourns a lost lover and Crane does not hold back...." Read more

"...I really enjoyed the banter and the sarcasm that I was literally laughing out loud at some points. I loved when “the kid” was in her “Wow” phase...." Read more

"Mac’s book is incredible. It’s well-written, beautiful, thought-provoking, candid, and the plot twist actually got me lol...." Read more

"Highly recommend. Dark and deep, but funny." Read more

3 customers mention "Pacing"3 positive0 negative

Customers find the book's pacing fast and engaging. They say it's a perfect dystopian novel with plenty of raunch and thought-provoking content.

"I finished it because it was queer and it was recommended to me by a friend. Otherwise I would have given up halfway through...." Read more

"...A queer masterpiece." Read more

"A perfect queer dystopian novel..." Read more

Product is great, but WHY Amazon?!
3 out of 5 stars
Product is great, but WHY Amazon?!
I loved this book, but why did they put this barcode sticker ON THE COVER?! Getting the glue off too forever.
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on February 11, 2023
    What happens in a society where you must wear your shame literally on your sleeve? In Marisa Crane’s brilliant novel, this is the world Kris and their child must navigate. As Shadesters, they walk the world marked by an extra shadow, a punishment for their alleged crimes, in an authoritarian society that has lost its humanity.

    This is a deep look at grief and its multigenerational ripples, coupled with a story of resistance to the status quo, as well as an examination of how queer families must often build a chosen family. There’s plenty of raunch—Kris mourns a lost lover and Crane does not hold back. There’s also a tender story of rising over and over agin to the occasion of parenthood.

    The book will appeal to readers who liked The Argonauts, the memoir by Maggie Nelson; Ursula LeGuin’s novel the Left Hand of Darkness; and the precocious voice of Swiv in Miriam Toews’ novel Fight Night.
    6 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 19, 2023
    I used to be obsessed with dystopian novels. Then, a real dystopian society happened and I switched to queer romcoms. While I certainly wouldn't call this book a romcom, the queerness and dystopian feel of <i>I Keep My Exoskeletons to Myself</i> by Marissa Crane was an unexpectedly exciting combination. This book is wholly unique. Though it's clearly narrated in first person, the narrator, a Shadester (someone who has two shadows instead of one), is consistently addressing Beau, someone we quickly learn is her wife, giving it the feel of a second-person narration. This always leaves me slightly off-kilter, and it takes some adjusting to until we understand our narrator's story and why she has to keep talking to Beau from the beginning to the end of the book.

    What unfolds after you get into the groove of this narrative is an important revelation about Beau and their new baby. It's kind of like plunging down the first drop of a roller coaster—once you realize what's about to happen, you can't help but throw up your hands as the narrator brings us up, down, around, and upside down through a world of grief, shame, anxiety and depression, and, improbably, happiness.

    I highlighted so many passages in this book, because Crane's prose as our narrator crawls out of the depths, as we see the teeming insides of her brain and her hearts, is so raw, so beautiful, that I temporarily stopped breathing sometimes, I swear. Gems like "We is the most tender word I know" or "I am powerful in my powerlessness," and just the way Crane acknowledges that being a queer parent is just <i>different</i>—yes, it is—made me really stop and think what I would do, how I would feel, were I in our narrator's situation (nevermind the dystopian society part).

    I'll admit I first saw Marissa Crane on TikTok and that's why I wanted to read their book. Now that it's out in the wide world, I'm so excited for them, and can't wait to see what beautiful, messy world they create for their characters next.
    2 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on February 13, 2023
    This book broke me and put me back together over and over again. It is some of the most beautiful writing I’ve seen in a long time. A man described as a dial tone. Mountains like knuckles. I cried at the end but mostly just because it was over, and I had to say goodbye to Kris and Bear and Michelle and all the love bubbling over despite the world they have to live inside.

    I kept folding down pages - for sentences I want to remember, scenes I want to study again and again. The sex - the SEX - was exquisite. It feels hard to write sex in a literary way. Marisa is an expert.

    I lived for the queerness in this novel. This is already my favorite book of 2023 so go get it.
    2 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2025
    This book is truly amazing. I felt that Kris is so relatable and that she could be a real person. This story talks about real life issues such as grief, how to raise a child in a messed up world, finding your way even without knowing all the answers, and so much more. I really enjoyed the banter and the sarcasm that I was literally laughing out loud at some points. I loved when “the kid” was in her “Wow” phase. I’m glad that Kris was able to let go at the end and move forward. She definitely “deserves” a beautiful and happy life.
  • Reviewed in the United States on October 30, 2024
    I loved this book, but why did they put this barcode sticker ON THE COVER?! Getting the glue off too forever.
    Customer image
    3.0 out of 5 stars Product is great, but WHY Amazon?!
    Reviewed in the United States on October 30, 2024
    I loved this book, but why did they put this barcode sticker ON THE COVER?! Getting the glue off too forever.
    Images in this review
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    One person found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on September 21, 2023
    Mac’s book is incredible. It’s well-written, beautiful, thought-provoking, candid, and the plot twist actually got me lol. I’ve read it three times this year and I recommend it to EVERYONE. Especially queer folks.
    2 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 10, 2024
    The author did a wonderful job world building a society unfortunately not so dissimilar to our own in some ways. Initially it seems the storyline is choppy, jumping around with the character’s thoughts—however it does actually flow very well and ties everything together fantastically. My favorite part has to be the wit, especially from Kris and the kid.

Top reviews from other countries

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  • sebam83
    5.0 out of 5 stars Das Kind
    Reviewed in Germany on March 16, 2023
    Beeindruckend das hier jeder Satz Sinn macht. Psychologisches Buch mit Mathe Schema Elementen. Eher subtil. Sci Fi Elemente nur angedeutet. Lebt von Gespraechen und weniger Handlung. Kann es einer Frau gelingen ihrer Tochter zu lieben die psychologisch gesehen ihre Geliebte getötet hat?
  • Lady Stark
    5.0 out of 5 stars 5 Stars
    Reviewed in Australia on January 30, 2024
    The author created this world where a reader could just slip in and be a part of. I felt a part of the character’s life, I was there! I was with the character experiencing everything that happened to her. I lost a love, I brought up another human being, I struggled through depression, despair, sometimes hope and then seesaw back to depression and despair and on and on. I witnessed a helpless little human turn into a funny, sentient being.

    This story is love letter to everyone who’s ever had their world crumble in and on them yet somehow manage to crawl their way back out of the rubble. Half the story was the journey out. Escaping wasn’t easy. Along the way she met some survivors, some stayed, some followed her out. They will always have scars and a limp after recovery. But the point is, they got out. Not unscathed but alive.