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Where are the grown-ups? Paperback – June 17, 2019

by Ruth Badley (Author)
4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars 189 ratings
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Recommended memoir on TV's SkyArts Book Club

Finalist in Memoir Category of the Independent Author Network Book of the Year Awards 2020

'Reading Ruth's story is like listening to a friend you know well. A deeply poignant read.' Family Tree Magazine

'I've read this book!' Jo Good, BBC Radio London

'Part history, part memoir, uncovering secrets, complex attitudes, painful memories, funny memories too - all brought together in this wonderful book.' Tony Fisher, BBC Radio Essex

'The characters are sharply etched and keenly observed.' Love East Magazine

'In the end we can only just write what we see and what we feel and you've done that beautifully.' Jason Solomons BBC Radio London

It’s never too late to say sorry. A whispered family tragedy ripples across three generations in this coming of age mother and daughter story. Sylvia is dying and her daughter, a British expat living in Dubai, recalls her childhood and the confusing relationship she had with her mother. After Sylvia’s death, she searches for explanations amongst her mother’s possessions, prompting uncomfortable childhood memories and clues to her mother’s sadness. The story moves back to London’s Jewish East End in 1930, where Rose is expecting a baby. When the natural order is disrupted, and part of our personal history is erased, who do we become? 'As children we assume our parents are perfect and complete creations, but mums and dads will inevitably misbehave, test the boundaries, make mistakes, stamp their feet and shed tears before they become the men and women they need to be.'
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    278 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publication date
    June 17, 2019
  4. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.7 x 8.5 inches
  5. ISBN-10
    1916119506
  6. ISBN-13
    978-1916119505
  7. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

Editor of Family Tree Magazine November 2019 "..a deeply poignant read, one that anyone with chapters of family trauma will relate to. A sad but definitely not depressing read, a reminder of the reflective, restorative and healing powers of family history."

Amazon - Verified Purchasers

"A beautifully written and sensitive exploration of the authors relationship with her mother and a poignant look at how each generation is shaped by those who came before."

"Integral to the authors writing is a sense of comic timing that enlivens the text with deliciously recognisable humour and laugh out loud moments, whilst the sadness and dignity of the personalities evoked is very moving."

"The writing is fresh, smart and both observational and engaging - the author is a key, brave and sensitive player in this three act drama."

"Superb storytelling and wonderful intertwining of family through the years."

"The author has the skill to make this very personal story into one that many daughters and families will relate to."

About the Author

Ruth Badley graduated from the Central School of Speech and Drama in 1978 and taught in secondary schools in London before moving to South Australia, where she worked in adult migrant education, specifically with Vietnamese and Cambodian refugees. Later she pursued a successful second career as a journalist and was the features writer for a UK regional newspaper group for many years. Ruth wrote and directed Just Playing for Dubai's Short and Sweet Theatre Festival in 2016. Where are the grown-ups? is her first novel. She has two adult sons and lives in rural Essex with her husband, Tim.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Inglebooks (June 17, 2019)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 278 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1916119506
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1916119505
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 15 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.7 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.1 4.1 out of 5 stars 189 ratings

About the author

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Ruth Badley

Ruth Badley

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Ruth Badley graduated from the Central School of Speech and Drama in 1978 and taught in secondary schools in London before moving to South Australia, where she worked in adult migrant education, specifically with Vietnamese and Cambodian refugees.

Later she pursued a successful second career as a journalist and was the arts and food writer for Ackrill Newspapers in North Yorkshire for many years. She currently runs her own public relations and freelance writing consultancy for clients in the geospatial industry.

Ruth wrote and directed Just Playing for Dubai’s Short and Sweet Theatre Festival in 2016. Where Are The Grown-Ups? is her first full length work.

She has two adult sons and lives in rural Essex with her husband, Tim.

Website: www.ruthbadley.com

Twitter: @RuthBadleyPR

Customer reviews

4.1 out of 5 stars
4.1 out of 5
189 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Christina
5.0 out of 5 stars Compelling insight into family patterns repeating themselves over generations
Reviewed in the United States on July 8, 2020
Verified Purchase
This book grabbed me from the beginning. Ruth skillfully weaves together stories from her life and those of her ancestors. The timeline bounces around quite a bit but the story is stronger for it, each moment in time building upon the next.

Though the story has its share of sadness and cruelty, it is very real, relateable and never self-pitying. It's interesting to see the way that the author has constructed the story of her ancestors and brings their personalities to life.

The pace is just right and the author does a great job of leaving teasers at the end of each chapter to keep you turning the pages.

My only complaint is that I want to know more about the details of the author's life like what circumstances brought her to Australia or Dubai. However, I understand that this is a story all to itself and this story is primarily the story of Ruth's complicated relationship with her mother and the circumstances that molded them each into the women they became.
9 people found this helpful
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Mr. Peter Redmond
4.0 out of 5 stars Who needs grown-ups ?
Reviewed in the United States on September 3, 2019
Verified Purchase
The title of this book grabbed me immediately - what did it mean and what did it promise ? Like all good reads it dragged me in and wouldn’t let go. Autobiographies are ten a penny but very good one are very rare . This is definitely in the latter category - a page turner because of its honesty.
11 people found this helpful
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AnneM
5.0 out of 5 stars Every family has their story
Reviewed in the United States on January 3, 2021
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I love the complexity of relationships and family and every family has their own set of drama. While her family has had its share of pain and loss and triumph, it is not so unusual, relatively speaking. She does such a beautiful job of making it an interesting and compelling read. Ruth Badley, please write more.
5 people found this helpful
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Katy Luther
3.0 out of 5 stars Weird
Reviewed in the United States on February 6, 2022
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Story of an emotionally abused little girl (the author) with no real resolution provided. Really nasty mother. Ineffectual father.
7 people found this helpful
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Kim K
5.0 out of 5 stars A compelling story
Reviewed in the United States on July 31, 2019
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I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It is a beautifully written and sensitive exploration of the author's relationship with her mother and a poignant look at how each generation is shaped by those who came before. A very relatable read, might bring you to tears, but optimistic at heart.
4 people found this helpful
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CarolinaFran
5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating
Reviewed in the United States on February 3, 2024
I read this book with interest because in it I saw the repetition of behaviors, from generation to generation, that happen despite the subsequent generation’s best efforts. The stories were told with integrity and realism. I found myself rooting for each generation, hoping they would be successful in overcoming their childhood experiences.
Satisfying to the end, though alternatingly sad and funny, this family history is told with the insight only a member of the family could disclose.
Well worth the time to read.
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Charles E. Blair
5.0 out of 5 stars A personal journey with many times, places, and people
Reviewed in the United States on September 12, 2019
The author describes a recently married couple at an amusement park: "The ghost train was always a dark ride and the
clock was ticking on the journey they'd begun."
2 people found this helpful
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Susan Leggett
5.0 out of 5 stars A great read
Reviewed in the United States on July 24, 2019
A Beautifully written book that tells a wonderful story of the journey and bond between a mother and daughter / family secrets and things left unsaid
A great read
3 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Graeme
5.0 out of 5 stars What happened in the past, even in generations you never met, can affect you personally
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 2, 2019
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Where are the grown ups - -Ruth Badley
A review by Graeme Holdaway

This is a good novel, and a cracking read.
My criteria for that are that it should hold the reader’s interest, engage them with the characters, and describe the events and the places in such a way that your imagination is in the space with the characters, and feeling what the protagonist is feeling.
No complaints there, I was swept up in the people and places, able to imagine the exchanges, hearing the sound of the East-End Jewish speech, with its shadows of Yiddish, and other languages in phrases such as

‘Opera, shmoporah! Don’t drive me mad. Opera, she wants now! Over my dead body!’

There is a lot going on in this novel psychologically, but it isn’t dissected, or analysed, the reader has to do that. Scenes unfold, things are said, and the reader draws their own conclusions, but over the whole length of the novel, it eventually becomes clear what’s going on. The story jumps back and forth in time to add to this effect, and the reasons why the characters are the way they are, becomes abundantly, and in some cases painfully, clear

The novel deals with an extended family within the Jewish community in the East End of London, who, while being somewhat lapsed as to religious observances, are nevertheless fiercely protective, firstly of family, then neighbours of the same persuasion, and then the wider community of former immigrants who came (in this case) from The Netherlands.

That there was (and still is, unfortunately, in 2019) inherent racism by some to all people who were, and are ‘other’ is forensically dealt with in the book, in an episode that shocks deeply that people in the countryside who were asked to do their patriotic duty during the Second World War Blitz and look after children from London in general and the East End and docklands in particular.

The odious Mrs Barrow, sees an opportunity for cheap labour, and specifically requests ‘strong boys to help my husband in the laundry’ and gets instead two frail Jewish girls, and decides to take it out on what she sees as bad behaviour when Sylvie feeds the horrible food they are given to the dog, and sends them to bed without any dinner and then eats a meal in front of them without giving them anything, making it clear that it wasn’t just the Nazis who had nasty instincts where people from other cultures were concerned.

Naturally, Jewishness does not guarantee good ethics to all Jewish people, as the character of ‘Boy’, the author’s grandfather, illustrates, although it is clear why he might have taken that path, as he was encouraged to live by his wits when very young, and not be too fussy about bending the rules when he did so. His heinous behaviour does give him his come-uppance, however, in the manner of ‘what goes around, comes around’, and he is estranged from Sylvie, his eldest daughter, eventually, after unspeakable behaviour. In a way, his is a sort of mirror image of what it means to ‘belong’; it doesn’t matter who you are, or where you were born, or what your ‘community’ is. You can still be a bad apple.

The Jewish cultural issues are painted in glowing colours, and are portrayed with humour, and wit and insight, but there is a deeper theme that underlies the whole novel, which is the shared humanity. It concentrates more, not on what separates us, but what is shared. Problems encountered in pregnancy do not care whether you are Jewish, Muslim, Christian or Atheist.
Nor do psychological disorders, whether they have been clinically described at the time, or not.
The skill with which such issues are sketched are done with a light touch, that creep up on the reader, and eventually nudge one in the ribs with an ‘Ah!’ of recognition.
The overarching theme, though, that takes the whole novel to absorb and only in the final pages bursts like a floodlight over the whole generational span of the story, is one which makes it clear why the characters are the way they are. No spoilers, but the only clue I will give is that the protagonist is a young child at the start, and an adult at the end, and sometimes we can only see when we have grown and can think about our experiences in the light of our education, and knowledge gained in other walks of life, and, perhaps, if we have been in love.

The palette of effects the author uses is at times broad-brush, but also sometimes exquisitely fine. The theme of ‘dust’, which at times is referenced as dust-motes swirling in sunbeams streaming through windows and sometimes as thick layers that build up and have to be obsessively cleared away, and which are feared, and cause shame, anxiety, and sometimes anger, if someone else is to blame.

Then there are the sound of voices. Voices raised in anger, soft voices, voices harshly primed to make the victim feel small, and worthless, voices that are tuned for deception, and just occasionally, voices of love

The structure of the novel is bulwarked by the inevitability that tragic events that happened long ago resonate down the generations, and that someone in the wake of such events, further down the line, must come to terms with the consequences, and deal with them compassionately, with love and understanding, if they are to escape the effects of them. This is not only a passionate, sharply observed, and well written novel, it also psychologically mature, and has the ring of truth about it

I would highly recommend you read this novel. It will tell you something about what it means to be Jewish, but more importantly, what ‘dysfunction’ can mean in a family context, and how tragedy can reverberate far beyond the generation it happens in, and ultimately, what it takes to be a fully functional human in a society. A cracking read!

Graeme Holdaway September 2019
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MrsT
5.0 out of 5 stars Rose, Sylvia & Ruth
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 7, 2019
Verified Purchase
This is an achingly personal, honest and resonant capturing of that most mysterious and complex relationship between mothers and daughters. The detail will break your heart in the most unexpected way, much more so than a work of fiction because the twists and turns are not part of an artificial plot. Ruth weaves together her memories, those passed on by Sylvia and the painstaking facts about Rose gleaned from documents and research.

You are beckoned in, rather self-consciously at first, the familiarity of family discord, humdrum patterns of human behaviour are peppered with Ruth’s rich talent of describing the most benign happenings and making them become three-dimensional. At times I felt I could see the particular light on the back of a chair, or hear the ‘ping’ of a telephone receiver being replaced. The contradictions and frustrations that are commonplace between parent and child are brought into sharp focus, given colour and shape, as the story unfolds. But as sad as some of it is, it shows that nothing is lost and no-one is truly ever gone, no life passes without leaving an indelible imprint on emotions, lives, decisions, passions.

Life is not black and white either – in the pain of the dysfunction, there is still love, not perhaps in the ‘usual’ form but it is still very much there. The strength of this, and of these women, will leave you profoundly inspired.
3 people found this helpful
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Mr. R. C. Gould
5.0 out of 5 stars The story of three women
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 30, 2019
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This is a book about three women joined, sometimes painfully, sometimes reluctantly, by the golden thread of family.
This thread twists and turns through three generations, creating a web of influences that none can escape. It is at times, sad, traumatic and shocking, but all too real, reflecting the hard life in the east end of London through the past century.
Ruth Badley has written this book in a way that draws you in, wanting to find out what happens next. Her style reflects her background as a journalist. She paints a background picture and then populates it with conversations. This gives it pace and makes it so readable.
I was greatly moved by the stories of these three women. To read of the harsdships and challenges they faced, events which stamped themselves on their personalities, helped to explain their future relationships with each other. Of such is tragedy. Do read this book to find out if reconciliation was achieved. I am sure you will appeciate it.
3 people found this helpful
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S.M.
5.0 out of 5 stars Life's comic/tragic journey in 'Where are the grown-ups?'
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 7, 2019
Verified Purchase
The voices of several generations come to life so vividly in 'Where are the grown-ups?' that by the end you feel that their personalities have touched you, the reader, personally. The story of a daughter's relationship to her mother and family is seen through the guise of a generational history of life in the East End of London and reveals the identity of a lost grandmother. Integral to the author's writing is a sense of comic timing that enlivens the text with deliciously recognisable humour and laugh out loud moments, whilst the sadness and dignity of the personalities evoked is very moving. At one point the writer notes that "like it or not, children are witnesses to their parents' growing up" and this is painfully re-enacted, taking us with it on its journey of loss, reconciliation and recognition.
2 people found this helpful
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S. Spriddle
5.0 out of 5 stars An Impressive, interesting account of a family through 3 generations
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 13, 2019
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I am so pleased a friend of mine recommended Where Are The Grownups by Ruth Badley to me.
I really loved this book from the first page. It had that What Happened Next feel and I just couldn’t put it down.
It is a beautifully written true account of the writer’s relationship with her mother which was sometimes testing and sad, but is interwoven with amusing episodes in her life.
I was very intrigued with Ruth’s description of growing up in the East End of London, quite different from own in rural Yorkshire.
The death of her grandmother shortly after giving birth to her mum must have been extremely well researched as the account reduced me to tears.
I thoroughly recommend this book.
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