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The Dance of Intimacy: A Woman's Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships Paperback – January 1, 1990

by Harriet Lerner (Author)
4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 738 ratings
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In The Dance of Intimacy, the bestselling author of The Dance of Anger outlines the steps to take so that good relationships can be strengthened and difficult ones can be healed. Taking a careful look at those relationships where intimacy is most challenged--by distance, intensity, or pain--she teaches us about the specific changes we can make to achieve a more solid sense of self and a more intimate connectedness with others. Combining clear advice with vivid case examples, Dr. Lerner offers us the most solid, helpful book on intimate relationships that both women and men may ever encounter.

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    255 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Harper Perennial
  4. Publication date
    January 1, 1990
  5. Dimensions
    5.31 x 0.61 x 8 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    006091646X
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0060916466
  8. See all details
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The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate
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Editorial Reviews

Review

“A wise and compassionate book that will teach the reader much about the complex emotions our family and love relationships engender.” — Lillian B. Rubin, Ph.D., author of Intimate Strangers

“Subtle and literate, The Dance of Intimacy is like a long, revealing conversation with a wise and compassionate friend.” — Maggie Scarf

“Dr. Lerner has a truly remarkable ability to analyze our problems with intimacy. She has written a hopeful, respectful, and transforming book.” — Carol C. Nadelson, M.D., former president of the American Psychiatric Association

About the Author

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation’s most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Harper Perennial; Later Printing edition (January 1, 1990)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 255 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 006091646X
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0060916466
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.31 x 0.61 x 8 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 738 ratings

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Harriet Lerner

Harriet Lerner

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Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts. Renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships, she served as a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic for more than two decades. A distinguished lecturer, workshop leader, and psychotherapist, she is the author of The Dance of Anger and other bestselling books. She is also, with her sister, an award-winning children's book writer. She and her husband are therapists in Lawrence, Kansas, and have two sons.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
738 global ratings
Recommend everyone read this book at least once!
5 Stars
Recommend everyone read this book at least once!
Fantastic book! This was suggested to me by my therapist and since reading I’ve been recommending it left and right. It really gives you the language to use in difficult relationships and how to navigate them. I really feel like everyone should read this at least once in their lifetime. It has already helped me with some difficult relationships in my life.
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Top reviews from the United States

Cammy
5.0 out of 5 stars Transformative
Reviewed in the United States on October 27, 2023
Verified Purchase
The Dance of Intimacy completely opened my eyes and has made me think about all of my relationships in a different light. I'm excited to implement the tools I've learned. Everyone in my family will be getting a copy.
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Andrea Dursman
5.0 out of 5 stars So insightful
Reviewed in the United States on March 28, 2023
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This book is a necessary guide for understanding the building blocks of relationships necessary to make them work.

No matter where you are with your relationships in life, I'd recommend this book.
One person found this helpful
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amazing amazon shopper
4.0 out of 5 stars Great book for understanding self and relationships
Reviewed in the United States on April 30, 2023
Verified Purchase
I loved the examples given and the way I was able to relate to many of the stories. I've been working on myself for several years and this book helps get to the root of the issues i have been struggling with. It helped to be part of a book club regarding this book to have deeper discussions with others and pulling out things I did not always get from reading on my own! Thank you to this book for helping me see new light!
3 people found this helpful
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Bonnie Brody
5.0 out of 5 stars A Wonderful Book About Relationships
Reviewed in the United States on July 16, 2009
Verified Purchase
As a clinical social worker and marriage and family therapist, I can think of no one who writes about relationship dynamics as well as Harriet Lerner. I have used this book as a resource for many of my clients.

In 'Dance of Intimacy', the author discusses issues such as under- and over-functioning. The less our partner does, the more we do. The more slack we pick up, the less our partner does. She deals with setting limits for this and decreasing enabling behaviors.

Ms. Lerner also discusses distancing and pursuit. Often in relationships, when a person is pursued, they pull away. However, if their partner does not pursue them, they end up wanting more intimacy. The author deals with this common dynamic and explains the root causes of it.

She gives good advice about approaching hot issues in the relationship, offering ways to improve communication and moving forward. She also has an excellent chapter on dealing with differences between you and your partner.

I highly recommend this book for everyone, especially women.
27 people found this helpful
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Lori Jake
5.0 out of 5 stars sound advice for all relationships
Reviewed in the United States on May 25, 2022
Verified Purchase
Intimacy starts with self. Reading Mrs. Learner’s books are like going to a therapist that cares and guides you. She gives many examples that are relatable to the many relationships we all have and after reading her book small changes seem possible and worth trying.
3 people found this helpful
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Margaret Broersma
3.0 out of 5 stars Great Self-Help
Reviewed in the United States on June 9, 2014
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Okay, I'm way too old for self-help books! I hit them hard in my late 20s and early 30s and that was quite enough :) But because my son was reading this, and because I remember another book by Lerner, "The Dance of Anger," I went ahead and read it. It works. It imparts exactly the wisdom that this sort of book is met to inmpart.Lerner is a good therapist who shares what she would (I guess) probably say to a client.
One person found this helpful
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Ibelievenangel
5.0 out of 5 stars Recommend everyone read this book at least once!
Reviewed in the United States on September 25, 2020
Verified Purchase
Fantastic book! This was suggested to me by my therapist and since reading I’ve been recommending it left and right. It really gives you the language to use in difficult relationships and how to navigate them. I really feel like everyone should read this at least once in their lifetime. It has already helped me with some difficult relationships in my life.
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Ibelievenangel
5.0 out of 5 stars Recommend everyone read this book at least once!
Reviewed in the United States on September 25, 2020
Fantastic book! This was suggested to me by my therapist and since reading I’ve been recommending it left and right. It really gives you the language to use in difficult relationships and how to navigate them. I really feel like everyone should read this at least once in their lifetime. It has already helped me with some difficult relationships in my life.
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19 people found this helpful
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Ed Lake
5.0 out of 5 stars Male reader review
Reviewed in the United States on October 2, 2015
Verified Purchase
This is a theory of relationships book, not a how to book. It is well organized, systematically written. Written from a female perspective, but the issues are recognizable by men with spouses or sisters in the workforce.

Clear warnings by the author that presenting problem and solution histories in one chapter makes things look easier than they are. Enough stories without "happy endings" to realistically present difficulties.

Have read one dance book before, fear. I am considering reading another, anger, in the near future. Recommended by psychologist treating me for depression when I brought up marital concerns.
14 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

R. Mark Heywood
5.0 out of 5 stars This is key to any self help book to be understandable and useful to a non-expert like myself
Reviewed in Canada on July 19, 2015
Verified Purchase
A book on relationships, written by a woman intended to help other women with their relationships (all types, spouses, mother, father, siblings, etc.), but really quite a valuable read for men. Much of the book is not really specific to any one gender and quite universal to both. The parts more specific to women, however, are just as valuable to men to know if they are working on a relationship with a women. The book is very readable and takes a very practical approach to deliver each principle. The author describes a concept and uses a what I assume are real life stories so the reader can see what happens when the principle is first ignored, then applied. Each story seems very believable thus making each point made creditable. Not being an expert myself, I was finding everything she was explaining very believable and more importantly, very doable by me. This is key to any self help book to be understandable and useful to a non-expert like myself. I highly recommend this book looking to find themselves in a relationship and wanting to navigate successfully in one. Success first being the survival of one's self, which may provide the very best chance for a troubled relationship you are experiencing survive, but by no means guarantee it. Either way, it is the best guide for you.
3 people found this helpful
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Eleanor
5.0 out of 5 stars Great purchase for a honest journey of self discovery.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 31, 2020
Verified Purchase
Informative a gives a new perspective to the reader.
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Stoic
5.0 out of 5 stars I am a young male and I read this book ...
Reviewed in Canada on October 25, 2014
Verified Purchase
I am a young male and I read this book and it helped tremendously. What sticks out the most is the authors more inclusive perspective of situations and problems in relationships, instead of a black and white, step by step this is how it ought to be book, this one provides more freedom for the reader to apply the principals in their relationship based on their own relationship needs, beliefs and values.
4 people found this helpful
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CHunter
4.0 out of 5 stars Four Stars
Reviewed in Canada on April 20, 2018
Verified Purchase
Looks great
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Ms Helen Amstel
4.0 out of 5 stars Not got round to reading it yet but looking forward ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 22, 2017
Verified Purchase
Not got round to reading it yet but looking forward to it once I finished the other books Harrite has written.
I'm sure it will be as helpful as they are
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