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You're Not Enough (And That's Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love Hardcover – August 11, 2020

by Allie Beth Stuckey (Author)
4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 3,642 ratings
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From one of the sharpest Christian voices of her generation and host of the podcast Relatable comes a framework for escaping our culture of trendy narcissism—and embracing God instead. 

We're told that the key to happiness is self-love. Instagram influencers, mommy bloggers, self-help gurus, and even Christian teachers promise that if we learn to love ourselves, we'll be successful, secure, and complete. But the promise doesn't deliver. Instead of feeling fulfilled, our pursuit of self-love traps us in an exhausting cycle: as we strive for self-acceptance, we become addicted to self-improvement.

The truth is we can't find satisfaction inside ourselves because we are the problem. We struggle with feelings of inadequacy because we are inadequate. Alone, we are not good enough, smart enough, or beautiful enough. We're not enough--period. And that's okay, because God is.

The answer to our insufficiency and insecurity isn't self-love, but God's love. In Jesus, we're offered a way out of our toxic culture of self-love and into a joyful life of relying on him for wisdom, satisfaction, and purpose. We don't have to wonder what it's all about anymore. This is it.

This book isn't about battling your not-enoughness; it's about embracing it. Allie Beth Stuckey, a Christian, conservative new mom, found herself at the dead end of self-love, and she wants to help you combat the false teachings and self-destructive mindsets that got her there. In this book, she uncovers the myths popularized by our self-obsessed culture, reveals where they manifest in politics and the church, and dismantles them with biblical truth and practical wisdom.
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  1. Print length
    208 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Sentinel
  4. Publication date
    August 11, 2020
  5. Dimensions
    5.23 x 0.84 x 7.3 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0593083849
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0593083840
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Allie Beth Stuckey is host of the Blaze Media podcast Relatable, where she tackles theological, cultural and political issues from a conservative, Reformed perspective. Stuckey speaks to college students, Republican organizations, Christian ministries, and businesses across the country about the importance of biblical and conservative values. She also offers frequent commentary on Fox News. She and her husband welcomed their first daughter into the world in July 2019. This is her first book.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Myth #1

You Are Enough

I Wanted to Be Enough

“You’re going to die,” she told me, leaning forward on the edge of her seat. Her elbows rested on her knees, and her hands were clasped as if in prayer. “This is going to kill you.”

I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t want to admit it was serious. I just couldn’t kick the habit of throwing up my meals. What started out as restricting my calories and working out twice a day turned into a cycle of bingeing and purging that, as hard as I’d tried, I couldn’t get out of.

It had started to affect my life. I’d be at a restaurant, having just finished dinner and unable to enjoy the conversation with my friends because I was thinking about how badly I wanted to get rid of the food I’d just eaten. Once, when I was working at a conference for work, I lied to my coworker about needing to get something out of my room so I could go throw up. Another time a friend caught me in the bathroom, my head over the toilet. I thought she was downstairs. She walked in and asked if I was okay. I said I was fine. She didn’t push, but she knew I was lying.

I wanted to stop. It was embarrassing. It was inconvenient. More than that, it wasn’t who I wanted to be. I’d never struggled with any kind of addiction. Before that year, I had never gone to extreme lengths to lose weight. But here I was, in a counselor’s office, hearing that what I was doing was killing me.

About a year earlier, I’d been through a bad breakup. I dated a guy for two and a half years who met all my criteria: a Christian from a good family with solid friends and a nice personality. We met my freshman year, and I thought for sure he was the one. But things got rocky two years in, and both of us were having doubts. But I was determined to hang on because I was convinced I couldn’t find anyone ­better.

The fall of my senior year he broke up with me. Though I was ­devastated, I knew I didn’t want to spend my last semester sad. But it was my last semester of college, and I was determined not to spend it sad. So I rebounded—­but not in a good way.

I started going out more often and drinking more heavily. Single for the first time in my college career, I had a slew of new dating prospects. I was hanging out with people I considered the “party” crowd. They welcomed me and encouraged me to live it up these few months before the last year of college ended. The newness of it all helped numb my pain.

I also restricted the calories I consumed and spent multiple hours a day working out. The more weight I lost, the more alcohol I drank, and the more guys who paid attention to me, the easier it was for me to ignore the haunting fear the breakup had left me with: that I wasn’t enough.

Things got worse. Eventually I missed food too much to keep skipping meals, so I started to eat again, only to throw up an hour later. At first it was just once or twice a week. Then it became an addiction I just couldn’t break. I’d started to binge. When I did, I’d feel guilty and afraid I would lose all the “progress” I’d made, so I’d get rid of the food as quickly as I could.

Fast-­forward to a few months after I graduated from college, and I was in a new city in a new job, and I was stuck in the same cycle. I was still going through guys and drinking too much, and I was still throwing up my meals. But I started to feel like I could no longer keep up with my own addiction, and, honestly, I was getting a little worried. I’d thought I had the power to turn it all off after the semester ended, but I didn’t. This “season” was turning into my actual life. It was one thing to me to have some college “fun,” but I wasn’t okay with this behavior be­coming who I was.

So one morning at work I called a number I’d found on a list of recommended Christian counselors on a local church website. I thought the process would be simple: I’d get a few tips on how to live a better life and some mantras or mind games that would break this binge-­and-­purge addiction.

I believed that because that’s the popular message today: you already have everything you need inside you to solve your problems. The idea that while outside tools like therapy, medication, meditation, yoga, hypnosis, or crystals can help unlock your innate potential for health and happiness, you are ultimately healed by the inner power you naturally possess. But this isn’t reality.

Rarely does Teen Vogue publish helpful articles, but in July 2019 its site published an insightful op-­ed critiquing modern wellness culture titled “Being Diagnosed with a Chronic Illness Taught Me That Health Isn’t a Meritocracy.” The author wrote:

“Women have been conditioned to believe both that our bodies are our self-­worth and that our bodies are under our own control. As wellness culture would have us believe, health is a meritocracy in which ‘fueling’ your body and ‘detoxing’ and holding crystals can rocket you to the top.”

Her debilitating fibromyalgia showed her that no amount of self-­care could completely heal her, and that the road to coping with her sickness was going to mean dependence on others rather than self-­sufficiency. She realized that healing, whether mental or physical, isn’t a quick fix accomplished by unleashing our inner power.

We’re not enough to heal ourselves. I don’t mean that natural remedies and positive thinking aren’t at all effective; I’m saying that we don’t have some inherent mystical force inside of us ready to solve our life problems or physical maladies.

I learned the same lesson in my counselor’s office. Though I reached out to her because I knew I needed help, when we started, I thought the process would be one of self-­empowerment. I figured she’d give me the keys, and I’d unlock my own capabilities to stop overdrinking, ditch the unhealthy relationships, and quit the bingeing and purging.

I was a product of the mainstream messages of our day. Though my mess of a semester should have taught me that “doing me” led to a dead end, I didn’t want to give up control and I didn’t want to decenter myself from my world. I still wanted to believe I was enough.

But the counseling sessions weren’t as straightforward or as focused on self-empowerment as I would have liked. At first the counselor just listened. Then over the course of a few weeks, she helped me peel back the layers of defensiveness and delusion I’d used to bury the sting of rejection and fear of loneliness. She helped me see that underneath all my behavior was my crippling fear of insufficiency. The attention I was getting from new friends and flings made me feel better about being rejected by my longtime boyfriend, and I’d convinced myself that being skinny was the thing making these new friends and flings possible. If I lost the “progress” I’d made, I wouldn’t be wanted or accepted anymore, and I’d have to face the pain of being rejected. That would mean I have to answer the question I didn’t want to ask: Am I enough?

I knew I wasn’t enough for the guy I thought I was going to marry, so I wanted to at least be enough for myself. I’d prove that I was fine on my own by doing the things that made me happy in the moment. And when the things that made me happy eventually made me miserable, I still assumed I had the power to take back control of my life and get myself on the right path.

It was clear that I didn’t. I was actually enslaved by my lifestyle. While my fear of insufficiency fueled my addiction, it also changed me for the worse. Before that last semester of college, I professed and lived Christianity. But after the breakup, I put my faith on the back burner to “focus on myself.” I feared that if I turned to God after the breakup, he would make me sit in my sadness while he healed me. I just didn’t have the patience for that. It hurt too much. I wanted quick relief, even if it was fleeting.

I’m grateful for a counselor who pointed me back to God and his Word and told me that not only was what I doing sinful, it was also dangerous. Her four words—­“you’re going to die”—­stopped me in my tracks after a few months of meeting with her.

After that appointment I got into my car, put my head in my hands, and broke down. I cried out to God with a million questions: How did I get here? And how do I stop? Can I? Can I really let go of this? What will happen if I do? Are you going to be with me? Will you help?

And he did. After that day the binge-­and-­purge cycle stopped. While I know this isn’t everyone’s experience with eating disorders, it was mine. God graciously and immediately gave me the grace to let go of the thing I thought was holding me together. In reality, it was tearing me apart.

I’d been deep in the culture of self-love: doing what I wanted and focusing on my wants in an effort to live my “best life.” Ultimately my self-centeredness blinded me to the damage I was wreaking on my life.

I don’t know what you’re facing now. Whether it’s more or less serious than what I faced in college, I can tell you for sure: you’re not enough. Just like me, you don’t have what it takes to heal yourself: from the addiction, the rejection, or the depression. Your self-­contrived solutions to your problems won’t work, and your attempts to fill your emptiness with more of yourself will fail. Your insistence upon “doing you” by choosing only what feels good in the moment will only defer the pain until it becomes a crushing burden.

The first step to getting out of whatever unhealthy cycle you’re currently in is realizing just how not enough you are. That means letting go of the responsibility to be your own source of fulfillment—­a responsibility that was never yours in the first place.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Sentinel (August 11, 2020)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 208 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0593083849
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0593083840
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.23 x 0.84 x 7.3 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.8 4.8 out of 5 stars 3,642 ratings

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Allie Beth Stuckey

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Customer reviews

4.8 out of 5 stars
4.8 out of 5
3,642 global ratings
Allie is exactly as her podcast is called, RELATABLE!
5 Stars
Allie is exactly as her podcast is called, RELATABLE!
This book is beautifully written. It dives into such a real feeling that everyone can relate to and offers undeniable solutions. I encourage everyone to read this, Christian or not, it is a great read and mind blowing. Beautiful book!
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Top reviews from the United States

Amanda Boyles
5.0 out of 5 stars Allie is exactly as her podcast is called, RELATABLE!
Reviewed in the United States on December 6, 2023
Verified Purchase
This book is beautifully written. It dives into such a real feeling that everyone can relate to and offers undeniable solutions. I encourage everyone to read this, Christian or not, it is a great read and mind blowing. Beautiful book!
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Amanda Boyles
5.0 out of 5 stars Allie is exactly as her podcast is called, RELATABLE!
Reviewed in the United States on December 6, 2023
This book is beautifully written. It dives into such a real feeling that everyone can relate to and offers undeniable solutions. I encourage everyone to read this, Christian or not, it is a great read and mind blowing. Beautiful book!
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One person found this helpful
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BigDog
5.0 out of 5 stars Your kids need this
Reviewed in the United States on April 11, 2024
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Great perspective
One person found this helpful
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Jen
5.0 out of 5 stars Sound Advice
Reviewed in the United States on December 31, 2023
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I personally have never fallen for the whole “I am enough” mantra. It never made sense to me. God didn’t create us to be enough on our own, that’s why we need Him. He is the only One who is whole and enough. So this book was echoing the same opinions I’ve had on these topics. Allie does a great job of giving a clear explanation of the errors in modern thinking. It’s easy to read and she backs up everything with scripture. If you or someone you know follows/shares those self-love, I am enough mantras, this is a great resource to share. It will start the process of peeling back the layers of these popular slogans and redirecting it back to biblical truth.
5 people found this helpful
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Kristin Knoch
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic book!
Reviewed in the United States on February 19, 2024
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This book is very revealing when it comes to the toxic self-love culture, which is really just selfishness, and self-centeredness masquerading as love. I would recommend to both single and married women with children alike, because there’s something in here that I believe EVERY woman can relate to! God Bless Allie. ❤️🙏❤️
4 people found this helpful
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Jamie
5.0 out of 5 stars Important
Reviewed in the United States on September 12, 2020
Verified Purchase
I have been listening to Allie (the author) for a couple years now, shortly before she started her podcast: ‘Relatable.’ She is wise beyond her years, obviously a wonderful trait (of many) that God has generously blessed her with.

Coming from someone who used to be into all the self-love stuff, and eventually finding out that all the “love” and acceptance that I could muster up for myself wasn’t sufficient.. I came to the end of myself and realized exactly who God was in my life.

That being said, this book is close to my heart, and so.. relatable. See what I did there? Anyways.. the title is simple, kind of vague, and doesn’t seem very deep in and of itself.. but the book is packed with profound wisdom. “You are not enough,” is an unnatural and uncomfortable statement in our society (I’m speaking for North America, where I reside).

But it’s not self-defeating to embrace the reality of “not enoughness,” on the contrary, it is to constantly strive unsuccessfully to be enough when you’re just not. And that’s okay. Allie beautifully, with refreshing common sense, points the reader to Christ throughout each chapter.

This is a powerful and important message for people today. We are not meant to depend so heavily on only ourselves; the fulfillment we seek comes from God.. and in Him alone do we find truth and worth.

Even if you can’t relate as far as religion and politics go, this book provides no nonsense perspectives, and real life stories that cut through the smoke and façade of cultural lies we’ve all heard/believed growing up.. but deep down knew (the lies) don’t make sense.

The realness and honesty from Allie in her book will touch you, and challenge you, as well as help you realize that perhaps you’re not crazy for feeling like something isn’t adding up.. once you’ve tried it all and nothing really works.

Try this.. enjoy and share!
Customer image
Jamie
5.0 out of 5 stars Important
Reviewed in the United States on September 12, 2020
I have been listening to Allie (the author) for a couple years now, shortly before she started her podcast: ‘Relatable.’ She is wise beyond her years, obviously a wonderful trait (of many) that God has generously blessed her with.

Coming from someone who used to be into all the self-love stuff, and eventually finding out that all the “love” and acceptance that I could muster up for myself wasn’t sufficient.. I came to the end of myself and realized exactly who God was in my life.

That being said, this book is close to my heart, and so.. relatable. See what I did there? Anyways.. the title is simple, kind of vague, and doesn’t seem very deep in and of itself.. but the book is packed with profound wisdom. “You are not enough,” is an unnatural and uncomfortable statement in our society (I’m speaking for North America, where I reside).

But it’s not self-defeating to embrace the reality of “not enoughness,” on the contrary, it is to constantly strive unsuccessfully to be enough when you’re just not. And that’s okay. Allie beautifully, with refreshing common sense, points the reader to Christ throughout each chapter.

This is a powerful and important message for people today. We are not meant to depend so heavily on only ourselves; the fulfillment we seek comes from God.. and in Him alone do we find truth and worth.

Even if you can’t relate as far as religion and politics go, this book provides no nonsense perspectives, and real life stories that cut through the smoke and façade of cultural lies we’ve all heard/believed growing up.. but deep down knew (the lies) don’t make sense.

The realness and honesty from Allie in her book will touch you, and challenge you, as well as help you realize that perhaps you’re not crazy for feeling like something isn’t adding up.. once you’ve tried it all and nothing really works.

Try this.. enjoy and share!
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10 people found this helpful
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Triple M Travel Log
5.0 out of 5 stars Great read. Great message.
Reviewed in the United States on February 29, 2024
Verified Purchase
This author brings to light the truth about self-love culture through biblical backed research and her own experiences. This is worth every penny.
3 people found this helpful
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hannah1012
4.0 out of 5 stars Pretty good
Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2024
Verified Purchase
It was a good book. There was a lot that made me think. In the language of our day so an easy quick read. Number 5 was the myth that stood out to me most. Thankful for this lady and her life.
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Daniel & Farrah Perez
5.0 out of 5 stars Best message for women in todays self love culture!
Reviewed in the United States on April 22, 2024
Verified Purchase
Love this book! You need to read it. I appreciate someone who’s raw and open about how self love is actually not the answer to our daily struggles and unhappiness!! Ugh if only everyone would get this concept I think we’d all be happy people and more content.
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Top reviews from other countries

Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Great product.
Reviewed in Canada on June 17, 2023
Verified Purchase
Great product.
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Siouxsie
5.0 out of 5 stars An Important Book For Christians and Non-Christians
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 26, 2023
Verified Purchase
Having come from a background in the 'New Age' - self-centredness and self love were paramount. By God's grace I was saved when I was 37 years old. But it is insidious how the old beliefs - that you are 'enough' and 'worthy' and just need some self esteem - have crept in everywhere, even into the church. Today Christians are often reading 'self-help' books more than the Bible or think they can incorporate the latest teachings from the self-help gurus into their theology. It is subtle - and can be deadly. Beware dear Christian, and please read this book.
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5.0 out of 5 stars The best book to purchase!!
Reviewed in India on July 4, 2023
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This books helps us to come out of "love yourself" Culture even tells it isn't necessary to always love yourself, you can put God instead of being the way you are☺️
One person found this helpful
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rimu
2.0 out of 5 stars Good thesis, but poorly argued.
Reviewed in Germany on February 25, 2021
Verified Purchase
The title was promising, but the author failed to deliver. I feel like she could have done so much more with the title she used. She made some big, bold statements, but never once properly argued them through. Instead, she sprinkled a bit of her story here then added dashes of other people’s stories there to maybe meet the word count rather than to support her thesis.
I heard her talking about her book and was convinced that she really had something to say, but my excitement was short-lived when I discovered that her writing skills didn’t match her public-speaking skills. She is a great talker, but a poor writer. Perhaps another non-text-based outlet would have been better suited for her to bring her ideas and arguments to life. I feel like anything else would have been better than publishing a book because what I read was nothing more than a draft–full of ramblings split into chapters to make it seem like a book–in desperate need of a proper edit and a proper rewrite.
2 people found this helpful
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Avy
5.0 out of 5 stars WORTH IT!!
Reviewed in Italy on December 29, 2020
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WORTH THE PRICE!!! 😍 HARD BOUND! GOOD PRESENTATION OF THE BOOK!!!! READABLE TEXT💯
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Avy
5.0 out of 5 stars WORTH IT!!
Reviewed in Italy on December 29, 2020
WORTH THE PRICE!!! 😍 HARD BOUND! GOOD PRESENTATION OF THE BOOK!!!! READABLE TEXT💯
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