This book was recommended to me by several women in my abused wives church support group. I had reached a point in my relatively short marriage where my head was spinning and I couldn't see what the truth was anymore. Marriage and personal counseling was helping, but only so much. I couldn't see what message God was telling me - what my role was in both the marriage and destruction, whether to stay or go, and how to do so. This book has transformed my way of thinking about my marriage, and in response has greatly affected my marriage. I am not one for self-help books, but this gave me answers and insight, along with "tests" to assess the types of abuse in your marriage, descriptions of our spouse's abuse and how we contribute to the destruction, patterns that need to be broken, a woman's role in the marriage and myths about "submission," poignant questions to ask and ways to address an abusive spouse to inspire change, guidance on staying or leaving, prayers, and resources for further study. I cannot thank Leslie enough for writing this book. It is so difficult to be in this situation and face the bad answers of those unfamiliar with your situation and uneducated about abuse, but Leslie cuts through it and delivers realistic guidance.
For those that complain about the book, here are my responses:
* Yes this book is written from a Christian perspective. Don't buy it if you don't want that. It is needed to address head-on the Christian stigmas that abuse isn't real, that it doesn't matter how badly a husband treats his wife, that a wife should try harder or be more submissive, that a wife is "stuck" in her marriage, that prayer will make all the bad things go away, that a woman's role is secondary and inferior to her husband. I myself struggled with these issues and found clarity in reading this book. However, even someone who doesn't believe in God can find guidance in this book through understanding the negative patterns and behaviors and imposing consequences and change. There is a chapter discussing how to approach a destructive husband, and I selected one of the three questions to ask my spouse, and this one question had such a huge impact on him. I will let you discover the questions yourself!
* The book addresses abusive and "destructive" marriages. Essentially she uses the word "destructive" rather than "abusive" much of the time because of the stigma about abuse and the assumption an abusive or toxic person can never change. From the beginning, she distinguishes a marriage that is merely "disappointing" from one that is "destructive."
*The book is written for wives, but men can also benefit greatly from her insights and related online resources. Additionally, everyone will get something out of this book - whether they are the abusers or the victims.
* This book focuses much more on how a wife can stay in her marriage than leave it. While recognizing that there are certainly times divorce is necessary, Leslie instead focuses on pre-divorce steps a wife can take to try to bring her husband to repentance and change. That includes imposing consequences which do include separation and, if necessary, divorce. But the portion of the book that focuses on divorce is merely a page or two, which greatly distinguishes this author from all others writing about the topic.
Final Note about Print v. E-Book: I originally intended to purchase this as an e-book for my Kindle to "hide" it from my spouse, but due to some glitch or something, I could not figure out how to buy the e-book and ordered a print copy. I am so glad I did! I underlined and highlighted, I was able to fill out the quizzes and take notes. I have gone back and re-read my notes quickly and easily. My husband has seen the book sitting out on a table and I think that has had an impact as well, doing two things Leslie outlines: (1) Acknowledging the destructive patterns in the marriage and not making any excuses for them any longer, and (2) showing my desire to stay well and fix the problems within the boundaries I have set. I can also give my copy to my husband if he is willing to read it.
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Popular Highlights in this book
There are times you must risk unraveling the life you have in order to create the life God wants for you.Highlighted by 2,675 Kindle readers- Emotional abuse systematically degrades, diminishes, and can eventually destroy the personhood of the abused.Highlighted by 2,477 Kindle readers
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Reviews with images
I can’t put it down...
I’ve been reading it since this morning. I cannot put it down. It’s incredible. I’ve lived apart from my husband for 6 months. Back and forth and desperate for change.... thank you LESLIE!!!! I feel like I know what to do.. not run back and not fight him... but to use wisdom... this book is amazing.
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The item came fast, amazing. The pillow tried to use in a different position, as it was shown on a photo, but didnt feel comfortable. Unfortunately, cannot use it.
Big support for women
Reviewed in Australia on January 8, 2024
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Really helped me
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 28, 2021