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Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be Paperback – January 20, 2000

by Eve Eschner Hogan (Author), Steven Hogan (Author)
4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 301 ratings
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This solutions-oriented guide offers problem solving and behavior changing strategies for people working on their most intimate relationships. The book provides readers with: enhanced knowledge of their own and their partners' beliefs, values, habits, desires, goals, likes, and dislikes; ideas for opening communication and deepening a relationship; skills for making healthy decisions about lifestyles and boundaries; an in-depth understanding of the role of self-esteem in relationships; increased ability to let go of the past and embrace the present; and the knowledge that it is important not only to choose the right partner, but also to be the right partner. What distinguishes Intellectual Foreplay from similar titles is that it includes guidelines on what to do with the answers it gives. This makes it useful in both creating and sustaining a relationship.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    273 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Hunter House
  4. Publication date
    January 20, 2000
  5. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.72 x 8.48 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0897932773
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0897932776
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Amazon.com Review

"What should you ask someone before you get seriously involved?" Eve Eschner Hogan wondered while she was starting a long-distance relationship with her future husband, Steve Hogan. Intellectual Foreplay is designed to spark stimulation and interest through intimate communication. "Like its physical counterpart, [it] can build excitement and desire--or quickly reveal a lack of compatibility, saving you months, or even years, of developing a relationship that isn't going to work," say the authors.

It's an interesting concept: questions to ask to determine compatibility or just get to know a lover or potential lover better. The book starts with "Who Are You?" questions covering a myriad of topics, such as self-esteem, values, hobbies, trust, romance, spirituality, health, and time management. Other sections include "Where Did You Come From?" (past, family, friends, education, and intelligence), "Where Are You Going?" (money, work, and future), "Can We Live Together?" (home, household responsibilities, food, bathroom, pets, vehicles, garden), and "Where Are We Going?" (vacations, holidays, children, wedding, and sex). Some questions will strike you as significant and others as unsubstantial--choose the ones that intrigue you. Tips for using the questions productively are peppered throughout the book. For example, figure out your top 20 "non-negotiable" questions and answer them yourself before asking them of a partner. It's an interesting spin on relationship deepening, and will certainly spark conversation. --Joan Price

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Hunter House (January 20, 2000)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 273 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0897932773
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0897932776
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 13.9 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.72 x 8.48 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 301 ratings

About the author

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Eve Eschner Hogan

Eve Eschner Hogan

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Eve Eschner Hogan is an inspirational speaker, labyrinth facilitator, relationship educator and author of multiple books including: The EROS Equation: A SOUL-ution for Relationships, Way of the Winding Path, How to Love Your Marriage, Intellectual Foreplay, Virtual Foreplay, and coauthor of the novel Rings of Truth. Her most recent book is a sweet tribute to her labyrinth-loving dog, Bodhi, The Spirit of the Labyrinth A Tail of True Love."

Eve wrote the “Real Love” blog and hosted the “Love Well” podcast for Spirituality and Health Magazine and has written and published hundreds of columns in magazines, web sites and newspapers. Eve served as a Media Spokesperson for AmericanSingles.com and Dreammates.com for several years. She has appeared as a relationship expert on national television such as Lifetime TV, and numerous radio shows including BBC Worldwide Radio. And, has been quoted in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, National Geographic Adventure and Bride Magazines.

In addition to writing her own books, Eve also served as the Senior Editor for two of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books, as well as a contributing writer to several others.

Eve has a Master’s Degree in Confluent Education, a teaching credential, and a Bachelor’s Degree in Cultural Anthropology all from UC Santa Barbara. She has worked in the schools both as a teacher and school counselor and has provided empowerment workshops for parents, teachers, counselors, entrepreneurs, college students and teens. Some of her clients include CEO Space, PSI Seminars, Child Protective Services, Motivating the Teen Spirit, Vintacom Media Group, Rancho La Puerta Spa, Golden Door Spa, Four Seasons Resort, Penn State University, Montessori Society, Waldorf Schools and school districts in both California and Hawaii.

Eve is the Founder and Executive Director of the Divine Nature Alliance a 501(c)3 public charity which runs The Sacred Garden on Maui and she is the owner of Heart Path Journeys, which offers personalized, private retreats on Maui. She and her husband, Steve own Makena Coast Dive Charters and a vacation rental, Sacred Garden Retreat, also on the beautiful island of Maui, Hawaii.

Eve shares a rare perspective on human behavior along with simple steps one can initiate immediately to bring about change. Eve’s work bridges the gap between the head and the heart so the two work in alignment instead of opposition. Through a blend of story-telling, sharing wisdom, enhancing common sense and offering skills, tools and practical guidance, Eve entertains, educates and empowers her audiences. Her enthusiasm will inspire and ignite your ability to succeed. www.EveHogan.com,

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
301 global ratings
Poor condition
1 Star
Poor condition
I bought this book used with the understanding that it was in good condition. There is something sticky and gross on the back with hair matted into it all over. The pages are stuck together in some places and I can hardly use this book. Certainly not in good condition
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Top reviews from the United States

Lee E.
5.0 out of 5 stars If you are wondering if you will be married in 40 years, read this book!
Reviewed in the United States on June 8, 2020
Verified Purchase
I was married 28 years and then divorced and realized I should have never married her after I read this book. When I got it, I gave a copy to the woman I was dating and when she started reading it, immediately stopped as it forced her to really look in the mirror. I read it and did as the recommended and made notes as I went through the chapters and was emotionally exhausted. I actually had to honestly look at myself and all my faults, weakness as well as my strengths. A shock! Yet, If I had gone through this with my "partner for life", we would have known how to handle each other's strength's AND weaknesses. It brings out things that should be known but often aren't. Yet, if you face these issues that have no "right" answers, talk about them and understand them, then you will become a true team, partners in love. I have given this book to many young people and they have expressed great appreciation and said it has changed their lives. I hope you take the time to share this with your partner or potential partner to make a relationship better or to simply avoid a emotionally devastating divorce. Live is too short to enjoy it with the wrong person.
21 people found this helpful
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Thomas Bruns
5.0 out of 5 stars Oh, My Gosh!!!
Reviewed in the United States on January 7, 2014
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People are freaked when they hear the title. But, the focus is to challenge yourself to establish your values (core and flexible) as well as finding out what your partner (or potential partner) wants in a relationship.

Whether on a first date, rearing children, empty nesters, or helping others (such as your own children) go through the process of communicating and sharing your thoughts and feelings as to what is important to you and your future, this book is a great tool.

I got this for my wife, and my three teenage girls for Christmas. I even brought it out at our family Christmas party and read through some of the questions and EVERYONE was interested(even my parents!)

I was mostly considering this book for the girls as I want them to be thoughtful in the relationships they choose. I don't want them to "fall in love" and then "fall into divorce" like I did because we weren't compatible.

Even if you are already married (as I am again), you can read together and discuss what is important to each other.

A definite must for EVERYONE!
22 people found this helpful
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Theresa McCormick-Dunlap
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent Relationship Tool!
Reviewed in the United States on March 30, 2022
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I purchased this book years before becoming a licensed clinical therapist and became an immediate fan. I've given copies of this out to our marriage group, individual friends and family. Now as a therapist I use it to aid clients in gaining insight into themselves as well as their significant others. It's even a great book to use on date nights with couples married for years. It's an excellent book!
One person found this helpful
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OuroborosAngel
5.0 out of 5 stars A MUST HAVE
Reviewed in the United States on November 28, 2006
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If you are in a relationship or looking for a relationship, this book is a must. My boyfriend and I bought this book a couple of years ago when it felt like we were running out of things to talk about. We used it CONSTANTLY while traveling and anytime we had a few minutes of downtime. The questions are thought-provoking. Some are serious, some are silly. Some are obvious questions, some are questions that you should ask but would never think of - until its too late. When we finally got engaged, and went to an engaged encounter, we found that we had already talked about all of the things that were covered. We didn't always agree on the answers, but that's the other great thing about this book. We figured out how to argue, and still be in a great relationship. We've now been married for almost a year, and have started revisiting the book on our long travels. BUY THIS BOOK! YOU WON'T REGRET IT!
14 people found this helpful
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S Richardson
4.0 out of 5 stars Useful for all types of relationships
Reviewed in the United States on September 16, 2001
Verified Purchase
Sure, it OUGHT to be second nature, and we really SHOULD be asking most of these questions anyway. That's part of the beauty of this book: the questions are so simple and useful that it seems uneccessary to compile them into a book. However, many of us get caught up in a relationship before we have been able to ask more than just a few questions of our prospective partner, and by that time we are willing to overlook a lot of what we find out later.
This book is not only useful for "interviewing" prospective partners. As a tool for getting to know the people in your life better, this book provides questions that help you find commonalities with co-workers, friends, family, activity partners, etc. I found "Intellectual Foreplay" to also be a good way for me to know myself better- to evaluate my own goals and ideals - by asking myself some of the questions Eve Hogan has compiled.
Can you live life without this book? Do you already ask a lot of these questionsof people anyway? Sure. But a good book doesn't always rewrite everything we do - hopefully it simply improves it.
46 people found this helpful
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Roisin ball
5.0 out of 5 stars Awesome book for couples!
Reviewed in the United States on April 18, 2011
Verified Purchase
My husband and I borrowed this book from a friend when we were first starting to date. Instead of watching a movie, we would pull out the book and ask each other questions. I'm convinced that this book helped lay a VERY solid foundation for our relationship. It is not my #1 piece of "advice" I give to newly engaged couples as they prepare for marriage. This was especially helpful in starting discussions on things we often take for granted or are uncomfortable discussing. This book covers just about every area of life, from childhood memories to views about money, household chores, kids, etc. The chapter on sex was VERY enlightening, as it opened discussion about something neither of us had been comfortable talking about.

I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone in a relationship, or wanting to be in a relationship.
15 people found this helpful
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Chelsea
3.0 out of 5 stars Good enough for it's purpose
Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2018
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This book is good for what it is, but if you get down to it, the real measures of relationship compatibility can't be seen by answering questions. The questions in this book remain mostly surface level - does he/she clean as much as I do? There are some value-based questions, which is good, but who is to say we understand ourselves enough to answer those honestly? Even unintentionally we end up lying. I think it's best to use this book as a companion, rather than a fool-proof solution to figuring out compatibility. Ask some of the questions that matter to you, but leave the ones you'd rather see played out in the real world for just that - the real world.
5 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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M.H.
5.0 out of 5 stars Sehr empfehlenswert!!
Reviewed in Germany on November 13, 2018
Verified Purchase
Ganz tolle buch. Meinem mann und mir gefällt es sehr. Empfehlenswert nicht nur für frische paare.
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linda hiebert
5.0 out of 5 stars All Couples should read this book!
Reviewed in Canada on November 5, 2015
Verified Purchase
Wonderful book for couples! I've given it as a gift to many who have thanked me big time. The questions really help you to find out the important 'stuff' about each other besides being a great conversation tool!
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Judy Collins
5.0 out of 5 stars Five Stars
Reviewed in Canada on January 8, 2015
Verified Purchase
had to order a new one because we loaned out our paper copy and may never get it back!
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K.A.
4.0 out of 5 stars Good but a bit outdated
Reviewed in Canada on March 25, 2013
Verified Purchase
Overall I like this book. On the plus side it has a lot of interesting and pertinent questions that help a couple explore things that have never been covered before. It's a great way to get to know each other better. In my case, I am in a serious relationship with my boyfriend and wanted us to get to know each other in depth before getting a place together. Moving in together is always a big adjustment, no matter how well two people know each other so I wanted to have some of the differences that would have inevitably come out on their own, laid out on the table beforehand in order to make the experience as pleasant as possible. This book was great for learning about each other's habits and deciding how to adapt before having to go about it the hard way, by butting heads. It's a really good book for couples in similar situations, who are serious and are at a point in their relationship where they are considering taking the next step. If you're about to move in together, get engaged, get married, have a baby or just want to know if you can get serious with someone, this book is good for that. I enjoy the short anecdotal stories at the beginning of each section. They give a real life example of how a lack of knowledge of your partner on that particular issue could create problems in the relationship.
The negative sides of this book would be the introduction for one. It is excessively long and repetitive. The author goes on and on about different ways this book can be used. I already bought the book, so I didn't think it was necessary for her to try and sell me in the intro. I knew why I bought the book, so I didn't need pages and pages telling me in what situations it would be applicable. Another downside is that the book is evidently written in a different time. There is a whole page dedicated to questions about taking messages and answering machines. It seldom acknowledges the existence of cell phones, and if so it's grouped along with pagers and e-mails. Social media doesn't seem to have been invented when this book was written. Having our own cell phones and no home phone seems to make questions of that type not applicable. There is also a section on spirituality that I didn't make use of since my boyfriend and I aren't very religious. I won't bash on this section since it would be important for couples who are religious. There aren't many religious undertones in this book but it's clear enough, by the choice of questions, that the author is religious. I was disappointed with sex section of the book. A few too many questions reflected christian values for my taste and I thought some more insightful questions about sex could have been addressed, but it did still have a lot of interesting questions.
Other than that I think that the book is full of some great questions for two people to get to know each other on a deeper level. I haven't read any other question books so I can't compare it to anything, but I definitely would recommend it. If it cut down the intro from 60 to maybe 10 pages and updated the content to reflect a more modern reality then I'd definitely give this book 5 stars.
One person found this helpful
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