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Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity: A More Than Two Essentials Guide Paperback – February 17, 2023

by Alyssa Gonzalez (Author)
4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 16 ratings
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Too often, the neurodivergent community is marginalized, de-sexualized or patronized. Neurodivergent people are often not seen as part of the romantic or sexual landscape, let alone as people who can have multiple partners. However, the fact that neurodivergent people do not see the world or operate within it as other people do makes nonmonogamy both uniquely challenging and uniquely well-suited to them.

This book is for neurodivergent people considering or practicing nonmonogamy. Its goal is to help neurodivergent people understand how well-suited they are to the polyamorous life, and to help them recognize and manage the challenges that being neurodivergent can bring to nonmonogamy. It is also for the partners and potential partners of neurodivergent people, to encourage them to understand different perspectives and to help them be understanding, accommodating and well-informed. Nomonogamous relationships do not belong exclusively to the neurotypicals, but to us all.,
 
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Previous page
  1. Part of series
    More Than Two Essentials
  2. Print length
    104 pages
  3. Language
    English
  4. Publisher
    Thornapple Press
  5. Publication date
    February 17, 2023
  6. Dimensions
    4.75 x 0.3 x 7 inches
  7. ISBN-10
    1990869130
  8. ISBN-13
    978-1990869136
  9. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Alyssa Gonzalez is a biology Ph.D., public speaker and writer. She writes extensively about biology, history, sociology and her experiences as an autistic ex-Catholic Hispanic transgender immigrant to Canada at her blog, The Perfumed Void. She also writes speculative fiction that explores social isolation, autism, gender, trauma and the relationships among all of these things. She lives in Ottawa, Canada with a menagerie of pets.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Thornapple Press (February 17, 2023)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 104 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1990869130
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1990869136
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 3.52 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 4.75 x 0.3 x 7 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 16 ratings

About the author

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Alyssa Gonzalez

Alyssa Gonzalez

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Alyssa Gonzalez is an autistic Canadian trans woman with two lovely girlfriends and a home filled with pets. She has written one nonfiction book so far and is a common presence in fiction anthologies.

Customer reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
4.2 out of 5
16 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Crystal Womack
5.0 out of 5 stars Great resource
Reviewed in the United States on July 3, 2023
Verified Purchase
If you are nonmonogamous and are either dating a neurodivergent person or are neurodivergent, you need to read this book (or listen to the Audible version). The Audible version is just over an hour and is packed full of great resources. I ordered the book because a partner of mine is neurodivergent and come to find out...my dyslexia is considered neurodivergent as well. So...I learned a lot about myself!
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Kaskas
5.0 out of 5 stars I feel seen
Reviewed in the United States on September 1, 2023
Verified Purchase
Reading this book felt like rebuilding parts of myself. So many sections had me crying. I understood myself much more after reading this.
One person found this helpful
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L. A. Carmichael
5.0 out of 5 stars Does what it set out to do
Reviewed in the United States on August 15, 2023
Quick, clear, and inclusive. I'm multiply disabled and neurodivergent, in a polycule with at least four other neurodivergent people, and I really think this easy little book would be a helpful thing to share with a potential neurotypical partner. I highly recommend it!

While I agree with other reviewers in wishing it had been longer, or wondering what a more in-depth version would offer, I think the brilliance of the "More Than Two Essentials Guide" series is the brevity. I'm giving it 5 stars for doing exactly what it set out to do.

This kind of handbook is the perfect thing for an overwhelmed person to pick up and flip through to get a basic intro to the topic and reduce potential harm. And what is nonmonogamy, if not overwhelming? What is neurodivergence, if not complex? Especially when someone is new to the practice, it can be a tall order to wade through a longer book meant to make you challenge everything you know. There's absolutely a place for books like that, but I would argue there's definitely a place for a beginner's handbook like this.

Also consider the accessibility for people who struggle with reading, like one of my partners who's dyslexic. They can flip through this guide or listen to a 1-hour audiobook, which is a very different kind of ask than the 10-hour Ethical Slut audiobook we read together when we began our polyamory journey back in 2011. If a person likes these handbooks, they're empowered to decide for themself if they're ready to devote more time and energy to a longer book with more detail on nonmonogamy or neurodivergence. It's a great starting point.
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Kella B.
3.0 out of 5 stars A Validating Resource with a Little Advice
Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2023
An easy and quick read, “Nonmongamy & Neurodiversity” states the intention to reach three main audiences: Neurodivergent (ND) people who are considering consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), ND’s who are currently practicing CNM, and Neurotypical (NT) people who want to better understand their ND partners.

For ND’s considering CNM, this should not be your first book on the subject but a companion to read once you’re already fully familiar with the basics. What this book does offer is significant validation if your experiences with monogamy have been harmful, compassionate descriptions of the challenges that may be ahead of you if you choose polyamory as your path, and loving encouragement for why doing so may bring you freedom.

For ND’s currently practicing CNM, this book’s primary accomplishment is to reflect and validate you in a world that rarely does so for ND’s. It may put into words ideas that you knew but had not been able to identify. However, the actionable advice in this book is extremely limited. There are a handful of suggested tools to address just three potential challenges ND’s may face in polyamory, but most of these tools would need further research or the assistance of a therapist to actually utilize.

For NT’s looking to deepen their understanding of the ND partner, this book should be read with your allyship hat firmly on your head and a commitment to not taking things personally. You will learn plenty about the kinds of challenges ND people face and perhaps gain insight into why they find certain tasks easier or harder than you’d expect. However, NT’s are not treated with much compassion in this book and are often named as the main source of pain and suffering for ND’s. This is not necessarily a problem but you should know going in that the value of this book for you is coming from consuming media that does not center or coddle you, in a society where you are used to being centered. Expect to craft your own plan for how to apply that knowledge after the fact.

Besides lacking in concrete examples of advice, “Nonmonogamy and Neurodiversity” has two main problems: The pacing of the book is unbalanced, such that sections that do not fulfill the stated purpose of the book are given extended passages; whereas sections that do deliver are rushed through, meaning that rich, complex ideas that have the potential to be incredibly helpful are given a couple lines of attention at most.

The second problem is that while the book claims to not focus on any one diagnosis, the challenges and strengths of ND people that are named are heavily weighted toward autistic people, with BPD and ADHD included in some sections. Issues such as insecure attachment, trauma triggers, memory, executive function or conflicting access needs are entirely absent. (Some of these topics are covered at length, however, in “Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Nonmonogamy,” also by Thornapple Press.) Despite being a neurodivergent nonmonogamous person who finds polyamory challenging, none of my specific challenges were ever touched on.

If you are an ND person who would benefit from seeing your own experiences in romantic relationships reflected in written form, this book will likely achieve that. However, if you are looking for guidance or advice, I would seek other resources.
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Top reviews from other countries

Alexandra
1.0 out of 5 stars Disappointing
Reviewed in Australia on July 26, 2023
Verified Purchase
This book is tiny. Everything is says is so surface level that is offers nothing of substance, and you're better off reading *any other book* about nonmonogamy.
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