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Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After Paperback – October 18, 2016
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And Then They Lived Happily…
We enter our romantic relationships with great love, hope, and excitement--we've found the 'one', so we plan and forge our futures together. But sometimes, for many different reasons, relationships come undone; they don't work out. Commonly, we view this as a personal failure, rather than an opportunity. And instead of honoring what we once meant to each other, we hoard bitterness and anger, stewing in shame and resentment. Sometimes even lashing out in destructive and hurtful ways, despite the fact that we’re good people at heart. That's natural: we're almost biologically primed to respond this way.
Yet there is another path to the end of a relationship--one filled with mutual respect, kindness, and deep caring. Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of Calling in "The One" and creator of the groundbreaking method, Conscious Uncoupling, provides the valuable skills and tools for you to travel this challenging terrain with these five thoughtful and thought-provoking steps:
Step 1: Find Emotional Freedom
Step 2: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life
Step 3: Break the Pattern, Heal Your Heart
Step 4: Become a Love Alchemist
Step 5: Create Your Happy Even After Life
This paradigm-shifting guide will steer you away from a bitter end and toward a new life that’s empowered and flourishing.
- Print length320 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherHarmony
- Publication dateOctober 18, 2016
- Dimensions5.1 x 0.69 x 7.9 inches
- ISBN-100553447017
- ISBN-13978-0553447019
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Katherine Woodward Thomas brings a gentle but fiercly powerful approach to what can otherwise be such a painful experience. Through Conscious Uncoupling, we can transform the deepest disappointment into a sacred journey from sorrow to peace.
--Marianne Williamson, New York Times bestselling author of A Return to Love
"During a breakup--a time that normally brings out the worst in us--Katherine Woodward Thomas takes us by the hand and helps us live in ways that are aligned with the highest and the best we have within us. With amazing clarity and depth, she’ll take the splinter out of your soul and support you to end your relationship in a way that leaves you, and those you care about, whole and complete rather than broken and damaged. I absolutely love this book!"
--Marci Shimoff, New York Times Bestselling author of Happy for No Reason
“Conscious Uncoupling is a kind and compassionate guide on how to overcome breakup grief and use it to transform and enrich your entire life. The process Katherine Woodward Thomas provides will not only help make your heart whole again, but will also ensure a positive, hopeful future for all involved. A paradigm-shifting book that promises to uplevel how we collectively do breakups moving forward.”
-- John Gray, New York Times bestselling author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
“There is so much wisdom, heart, and humor in this book you’ll want to sleep with it under your pillow. Katherine communicates the real deal – you’ll see it immediately and breathe deeply for having such a friend on the path. Full of head, heart, body, and relational wisdom gathered from years of deep exploration, Conscious Uncoupling is the book that you’ve been looking for to guide you to true freedom. I loved it!”
--Kathlyn Hendricks, Ph.D., New York Times bestselling coauthor of Conscious Loving and Conscious Loving Ever After
"Before Conscious Uncoupling we didn’t have a roadmap for how to turn the pain of a breakup into a genuine opportunity to recreate our life for the better. Now, thanks to Katherine Woodward Thomas’ brilliant and beautifully written manifesto, anyone going through the ending of a relationship has an opportunity to not only heal from heartache but to evolve human relationships, and thus humanity, to a new level. With her trademark wisdom and deep kindness, Katherine shares her well-tested 5-step process that will guide you through the storm to a brighter future than you ever imagined possible."
-- Claire Zammit, Founder, FemininePower.com
"Katherine Woodward Thomas is my relationship guru. Her wisdom and guidance helped me clear all blocks to romantic freedom. Conscious Uncoupling will help you embrace the true meaning of forgiveness and restore your faith in love."
-- Gabrielle Bernstein, New York Times bestselling author of Miracles Now
“Conscious Uncoupling is a powerful and groundbreaking process that provides a proven path to healing and wholeness from the devastation of heartbreak. From her decades of experience as a therapist and her personal story of divorce, Katherine Woodward Thomas reveals the transformative steps back to a life of love, freedom, and happiness.”
-- Arielle Ford, bestselling author of The Soulmate Secret
“In Conscious Uncoupling, Katherine Woodward Thomas has created the definitive blueprint for how to complete a relationship in a way that leaves everyone honored and empowered. If you’re considering uncoupling, I suggest you run – not walk – to the nearest bookstore and start reading it today. You’ll discover that a graceful parting of the ways is doable even under the most extreme of circumstances. I find Katherine to be always on the leading edge of thought – and we are once again the beneficiaries of her brilliance.”
-- Debra Poneman, bestselling author and founder/CEO of Yes to Success, Inc.
"The book CONSCIOUS UNCOUPLING presents a sensible and very helpful five-step approach toward turning the tragedy of a breakup into a new healthy beginning instead of a wound that keeps festering."
--John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
“It’s a must read for the modern breakup.”
--Goop.com
“Thomas proves herself compassionate and emotionally in-tune with the pain of love lost, and her guidance will likely usher many of those afflicted to a brighter, or at least less bitter, future.”
—Publishers Weekly
"Katherine Woodward Thomas is as wise and intelligent as she is empathic and brave. Her knowledgeable, visionary and clear teachings have consistently represented empowerment and healing to so many, myself included. Her seer-like insight and her gentle yet unwaveringly leading-edge and applicable guidance holds our hands as we traverse the often debilitating territory of breakups and endings. I am so happy Katherine is on this planet."
--Alanis Morissette
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Landing on the Wrong Side of Love
Every intimacy carries, secreted somewhere below its initial lovely surfaces, the ever-coiled makings of complete catastrophe. —Elizabeth Gilbert
None of us think, when walking down the aisle to stand open-hearted before our one true love, that we will one day wind up on the wrong side of that tenacious 50 percent divorce divide. Nor do we assume impending heartache when basking in a newly forming union that is filled with hope and the promise of lifelong happiness. For we are the believers in love, resolute in our fervent stand for forever, and willing to risk it all in our pursuit of happily-ever-after.
As the author of the national bestseller Calling in “The One”: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life, and teacher to hundreds of thousands of students throughout the world who’ve used my principles to clear away their inner obstacles to love and create happy, loving relationships, I would be lying if I told you I wanted to write this book as the sequel to my last. I did not want to be writing this book any more than you want to be reading it.
In fact, when I realized that my husband of nearly ten years and I were going to end our marriage, my prayer was a little less than pious. Lying flat on my back in the grass at a nearby park, and looking up at the vast blue sky, searching for meaning in this unwelcomed twist of events, I murmured out loud the only prayer that made sense to me at the time. “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I said, seething. I was beyond irritated at the unseen forces of life and love that seemed hell-bent on entertaining themselves at my expense—forces that seemed determined to create unwanted mischief with my happily-ever-after ending to a rather tumultuous childhood. A happy ending that was documented so beautifully, and publicly, in my first book.
It was awkward, at best.
Yet, once past the shocking realization that this was indeed happening, I turned my attention to making sure it happened well. For I, like many thousands of my peers, had been the product of a nasty and terribly unconscious uncoupling when I was a young girl. So nasty, in fact, that there were two rather brutal custody fights that led to my eventual alienation from my father, at the age of ten, when he finally threw in the towel and surrendered his parental rights altogether due to his inability to get on at all with my infuriated mother. While I did not know a lot of things as my marriage unraveled before my eyes, the one thing I did know was this: I was not going to do that to our daughter.
Yet, as our separation unfurled, I discovered that I had worried in vain. For not only was ours a very civil uncoupling, it was also deeply kind, respectful, humane, and characterized by an unexpected spirit of generosity and goodwill, with gestures of friendship and mutual support woven throughout. My former husband, Mark, and I did everything in our power to minimize the damage done to one another and, of course, to our young daughter, whose primary concern was that she not lose contact with her father, as she’d seen happen to two of her friends. United in our stand to create cohesion and well-being for our daughter during and after our transition out of the marriage, we readily reassured her she would not.
It was a far cry from the horrible breakups I’d had in the past—those months on end when I’d be unable to eat or sleep, and when I was so consumed with rage that I could barely get through the day without snapping the head off some poor, innocent stranger who was unfortunate enough to get in my way. Or the time when I was so distraught that I started smoking again after nearly a decade, and when half the hair on my head fell out from the stress of it all. Or the mother of all my bad breakups, the heart-wrenching and terribly dramatic, and traumatic, severing I’d had from my high school boyfriend, Frank, which held me captive with an unresolved and prolonged grief that haunted me for years. For nearly two decades he continued to show up in my dreams, frequently shaking me out of a restless sleep to relive the horrible realization that he was indeed gone forever, and was living happily ever after with his intimidatingly beautiful wife and their three perfect children thousands of miles away from me.
I, like you, am well acquainted with the shadow side of love. Which is why, once I had dealt with my own shock and pain, I immediately began to look back to see if I could decipher the process of the rather unique way in which Mark and I had managed to transition out of our union with such goodwill and grace. Because I recognized that we had fallen upon something incredibly valuable, my awareness made more acute by those in our inner circle who would shake their heads in dismay, to declare that they had never seen any couple let go of their marriage with as much thoughtfulness and care.
As much as I had yearned for a happy ending to my less than happy childhood, in an odd twist of fate I seemed to have stumbled upon a new kind of happy ending. A way to end a romantic union with dignity, goodness, and honor, and where no one was left shattered or destroyed by the experience. And, being the gourmet lemonade maker that I am, I realized that I could even make something beautiful of this. For we’d actually undergone what I eventually was able to identify as a five-step process for leaving each other, and all those impacted by our separation, whole, healthy, and complete rather than wounded, walled off, and significantly broken by the experience.
As a believer in love, and an ardent supporter of marriage and long-term committed relationships, breakups are probably one of my least favorite things. Right up there with global warming, elder abuse, and high child-poverty rates. Given my disdain for breakups and divorce, why then would I choose it as my own life path? How horrible was it between Mark and me that I would venture into the swampland of dividing hearth and home, and the dismantling of long-held hopes and dreams?
There are a million little ways that a marriage grows apart, most too mundane to mention. Yet what happened to Mark and me, in a nutshell, is that I changed. And I mean, I radically and in many ways quite unfairly, changed. It’s kind of an occupational hazard—the downside of being a teacher of growth and transformation. My husband didn’t cheat on me, he didn’t abuse me, and he was not an alcoholic or a chronic gambler.
Yet, as the years went by, the core values by which we lived grew further and further apart. Where I am a change junkie, ever pushing the edge of my own and others’ evolution in pursuit of fulfilling the potential we hold in all areas of life and love, Mark, gentle-hearted man that he is, aspires to the spiritual ideal of total acceptance and appreciation of things as they are, without the need to change anyone or anything. Where I am ever fascinated to dig into the darker recesses of our psyches to discover and purify our inner motives, he believes in minimizing the focus on flaws to simply value the goodness and beauty of all living beings. It’s not like someone is right and someone is wrong here. They are both perfectly gorgeous paths to be on. And often when couples are polarized like this, they find a way to balance each other out, complementing one another and filling in the blank spots for each other in the most lovely of ways. Yet, with Mark and me, conversations about those things that mattered most and that we each held sacred in our hearts just kind of fell flat, in a way that left us little room to grow together toward a shared vision or goal, something we both admitted to needing deeply in our lives. As much as we cared for one another, it became apparent that the place where we were most aligned was in the love we shared for our daughter.
Now, if we had been born fifty years earlier, we would have easily stayed together for the sake of our child, without thinking much about it. Although yet again, if we’d been born fifty years before, we probably wouldn’t have ever gotten married in the first place, as interracial marriages were illegal throughout much of America, until the Supreme Court declared otherwise in 1967. As I am Caucasian and Mark African American, we would have had to risk everything, our very lives included, to choose one another back then—further evidence of the everevolving nature of culture. However, this little detail aside, I, like many millions of others in the Western world, have come to expect more of my primary partnership than staying together for the sake of the children. As author and marriage historian Stephanie Coontz points out, relationships have changed more in the past thirty years than in the three thousand years before. And I, like so many of us, aspired to a union that was far beyond the ones my mother, and my grandmother before her, expected to have. It’s not that Mark and I weren’t wholeheartedly and doggedly devoted to raising a well-adjusted, healthy, happy daughter. Of course we were; our lives revolved around this shared commitment. But did that really mean that we had to be bound together with the bonds of matrimony and morally required to have sex with each other for the rest of our lives in order to do so?
I mean, Mark’s a sexy guy but . . . seriously?
Product details
- Publisher : Harmony; Reprint edition (October 18, 2016)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 320 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0553447017
- ISBN-13 : 978-0553447019
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.1 x 0.69 x 7.9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #16,957 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #22 in Divorce (Books)
- #55 in Conflict Management
- #544 in Motivational Self-Help (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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Paying it forward - great book on the science of breakups
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About the author
Katherine Woodward Thomas is the New York Times Bestselling author of Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After and Calling in "The One:" 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life.
She is a licensed marriage & family therapist, an inspired speaker and transformative educator and an internationally recognized relationship expert who has trained and certified hundreds of people as coaches of her transformative work.
She is also a Billboard charting singer/songwriter who's CD, Lucky in Love went to no. 1 on the iTunes jazz charts when released in 2019.
To find out more please go to www.ConsciousUncoupling.com, www.KatherineWoodwardThomas.com or www.CallingInTheOne.com.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book helpful and insightful. They describe it as a wonderful, well-written love story that makes them feel free, happy, and whole. Readers appreciate the compassion, kindness, and generosity of the author. The pacing is described as eye-opening and educational, with a clear design and organization. It helps create a peaceful separation for both parties. Customers find the book comforting and supportive.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book's advice helpful and insightful. They say it helped them through the stages of a breakup, providing a valuable insight and personal growth experience. The exercises have profound implications, and the introduction is concise and humorous.
"...This book makes sense, has heart, and gives step by step writing prompts (also links for recordings,) to inquire deeply and with self-honesty into..." Read more
"...The quotes sprinkled throughout were inspirational, and I will be referencing this book in the future as it is not just applicable during a..." Read more
"...This book was a lifesaver for me, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with endings, of any sort, and who is interested in..." Read more
"Interesting read - an author who writes very well; will be interesting to try some of her other books in the future; A recommended read" Read more
Customers find the book insightful and compassionate. They say it's well-written and a seamless read.
"...This book makes sense, has heart, and gives step by step writing prompts (also links for recordings,) to inquire deeply and with self-honesty into..." Read more
"...Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas is a brilliant, insightful and compassionate book on how to move from heartache to..." Read more
"Interesting read - an author who writes very well; will be interesting to try some of her other books in the future; A recommended read" Read more
"An amazing read that helps humanity come up with better ways to end relationships with respect, understanding, and some love left for each..." Read more
Customers find the book helpful in developing compassion and kindness. They appreciate the heart-based way to honor love. The book provides a powerful, heartfelt way to remember with no regrets.
"...from this often excruciating Life event, this book offers comfort, compassion, guidance and understanding. Best," Read more
"...by Katherine Woodward Thomas is a brilliant, insightful and compassionate book on how to move from heartache to healing, even triumph, after a..." Read more
"...Her examples and Five Step Process guide us to move forward with compassion, kindness and generosity...." Read more
"...The information in this book gives you a powerful, heart-based way to honor the love that you share with your partner and a practical way to change..." Read more
Customers find the book's pacing good. They say it's eye-opening, educational, and beautifully written. The book is clearly designed and organized, offering guidance and perspective to help transmute relational pain.
"I felt heard, seen, and that I was not going mad with the intense emotions and thoughts which I was feeling...." Read more
"...a life coach while I was walking through these steps, but it is clearly designed and organized so that any reader can trek this path on his/her own...." Read more
"...She offers her brilliance and her light so that you can tune into your own heart and make your divorce (past or present) into a spiritual growth..." Read more
"...I’m so grateful for this beautiful book and how it gifted me a wealth of wisdom!" Read more
Customers find the book helpful during separation. They say it helps create a peaceful separation and is inspiring.
"Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas is a brilliant, insightful and compassionate book on how to..." Read more
"...this twice and it was fundamental in helping create a kind and peaceful separation. Highly recommend" Read more
"Conscious Uncoupling is brilliant, inspiring and impactful...." Read more
"...The Consciously Uncoupling process (even 9 months after "the end") is opening me up to being a healthier, more alive person." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read. They say it's a must-read for couples going through a breakup. Readers include both married and single people, with ages spanning from early twenties.
"...A must read for both sides of the relationship. It is possible to cut ties and still be civil." Read more
"...this book to at least twenty people: women and men, happily married and unhappily single, ages spanning from early twenties to early seventies –..." Read more
"...Its a must read." Read more
"Must read for couples going through a break up..." Read more
Customers find the book comforting and supportive. They say it offers compassion, guidance, and affirmation.
"...and grow from this often excruciating Life event, this book offers comfort, compassion, guidance and understanding. Best," Read more
"...So that was extremely comforting and affirming to me. I loved how it really made me look at my part!..." Read more
"Very helpful & supportive..." Read more
Customers have different views on the book's value for money. Some say it's worth it and saves them money on counseling. Others find it not useful, overpriced, and not as groundbreaking as it claims to be.
"This book is GOLD...." Read more
"...The exercises are hokey and contrived and frankly not that useful, at least to me...." Read more
"...therapy is expensive, so this book and her online course is worth its weight in gold if it leaves you healthy, strong, authentic, loving and..." Read more
"...power of love as it's expressed through your book is worth its weight in gold, at the very least!" Read more
Reviews with images
Everyone Divorced with Kids, MUST Read!
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on August 24, 2024I felt heard, seen, and that I was not going mad with the intense emotions and thoughts which I was feeling. This book makes sense, has heart, and gives step by step writing prompts (also links for recordings,) to inquire deeply and with self-honesty into the nuances of a relationship at it's end. It's organized in to 5 Steps. For those determined to heal and grow from this often excruciating Life event, this book offers comfort, compassion, guidance and understanding. Best,
- Reviewed in the United States on November 10, 2024Well laid out steps for navigating an amicable divorce. The quotes sprinkled throughout were inspirational, and I will be referencing this book in the future as it is not just applicable during a marriage divorce.
- Reviewed in the United States on May 22, 2016Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas is a brilliant, insightful and compassionate book on how to move from heartache to healing, even triumph, after a relationship ends. It is a beautifully written and carefully thought-out treatise on how to move through dark and dissonant times to light and consonant times, and the author provides a very useful process using 5 steps to assist the reader on this journey of transformation. I was very fortunate to have had the opportunity to work with a life coach while I was walking through these steps, but it is clearly designed and organized so that any reader can trek this path on his/her own. I loved everything about the book, but what made it stand out for me was the fact that the author provides various exercises to help the reader look deep within, to re-pattern, forgive, practice self-care, and more. We all know we can't learn to ski or meditate by reading a book, we have to do it, and Ms. Thomas provides the reader with ways to support him or her during this emergence and growth. I also greatly enjoyed the "words of wisdom" in little boxes in the margins of many pages, wisdom such as: "Your present circumstances don't determine where you go, they merely determine where you start" by Nido Qubein", or, "In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet" by Winston Churchill. This book was a lifesaver for me, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling with endings, of any sort, and who is interested in new beginnings. I hope everyone out there enjoys this gem as much as I did . . . thank you, Katharine Woodward Thomas for a brilliant book about transformation!
- Reviewed in the United States on June 7, 2023Interesting read - an author who writes very well; will be interesting to try some of her other books in the future; A recommended read
- Reviewed in the United States on August 5, 2024An amazing read that helps humanity come up with better ways to end relationships with respect, understanding, and some love left for each other.
I wish I read this book before my broken way of letting go. 😁
- Reviewed in the United States on February 26, 2024This book is GOLD. Whether you are thinking of a divorce, breaking up with an old friend, or breaking up with yourself and how you are currently showing up in your unhealthy relationships, this book is for you. I loved it so much that I became a Certified Conscious Uncoupling Coach and can now share the medicine with my clients.
- Reviewed in the United States on April 12, 2017Brilliant. This step into the modern day realities that many, if not most of us, will someday leave a relationship that no longer suits one or both partners. I believe strongly in the idea of leaving all parties whole, healthy and happy as they entered the relationship. I am not gullible enough to believe that both partners are always in a place or space where they can come to the uncoupling party, but this book allows for that and the party who would like to move forward with peace, happiness and love to do so.
I believe we area on to a new era. Where the reptilian brain does not have to win and people can resolve and respect one another despite their differences in moving forward.
Please tell me that we are evolving into caring, loving beings and can allow for others and ALL to move forward in the best and healthiest way.
- Reviewed in the United States on June 15, 2019I bought this book because the author wrote the introduction to another book I was reading, Coming Apart: How to Heal Your Broken Heart Paperback by Daphne Rose Kingma. The introduction was short, to the point, funny, personal, and very relatable. However, I found the first half of this book to be the exact opposite on most of these things. A lot of this book focuses on anger and anger alone. I feel like it touches on a few other emotions, mentions them almost in passing but really focuses on anger.
This first half of this book reminds me of the literature books I remember reading in high school. She writes about a simple subject for a page and a half and then uses a metaphor for two pages and then comes back and summarizes everything again. I find “Part One” of the book to be very bloated and repetitious.
If you do choose to purchase this book because “Part Two” is actually helpful, I’d skip directly to “Part Two” and begin reading the 5 steps, which are very descriptive and helpful.
Another issue I take with this book is the quotes. I understand a lot of folks benefit and find inspiration from quotes, but I would say over half the pages in the book have at least one quote, which turns from inspiration to major destruction for me.
Top reviews from other countries
- SusanReviewed in Canada on March 9, 2022
5.0 out of 5 stars Beautiful roadmap for separation/divorce
This book is truly a gift to those navigating separation/divorce. Katherine’s words are supportive and compassionate but she also inspires you to do the deep work, accept responsibility for your part in the breakdown and to move past blame/shame. It’s an especially powerful read for those who have children in the relationship. Inspiring you to do what’s in the best interests of the family as a whole and create your happily even after story.
- GaiaReviewed in Germany on August 2, 2020
5.0 out of 5 stars If only more couples at the end of their shared journey read this...
This is so very helpful, particularly if you want to break up in a conscious and caring way, minimizing any collateral damage, but also if you have to get over a break up. Food for thought, many great suggestions, touching quotes, well written. Some of it is very spiritual (but not exceedingly esoteric, in my opinion).
-
Cliente de AmazonReviewed in Mexico on July 28, 2018
5.0 out of 5 stars El divorcio desde un proceso sano y reparador
Excelente ! una forma sana y consciente de atravesar el proceso de divorcio, lo recomiendo mucho vale la pena leerlo
- NewanderReviewed in Spain on October 5, 2018
5.0 out of 5 stars Anyone going through a break up...read this 💕
Super book with great advice how to get through a break up with kindness. Eye opening and so so relevant.
One person found this helpfulReport - MoonReviewed in India on March 19, 2018
5.0 out of 5 stars This is my favourite book so far in the space of relationships
This is my favourite book so far in the space of relationships, break-up/breakthrough, self-intimacy and healing! I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever had a breakup/heart-break.
One person found this helpfulReport