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The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters Kindle Edition
From the host of the New York Times podcast Together Apart, an exciting new approach to how we gather that will transform the ways we spend our time together—at home, at work, in our communities, and beyond.
In The Art of Gathering, Priya Parker argues that the gatherings in our lives are lackluster and unproductive--which they don't have to be. We rely too much on routine and the conventions of gatherings when we should focus on distinctiveness and the people involved. At a time when coming together is more important than ever, Parker sets forth a human-centered approach to gathering that will help everyone create meaningful, memorable experiences, large and small, for work and for play.
Drawing on her expertise as a facilitator of high-powered gatherings around the world, Parker takes us inside events of all kinds to show what works, what doesn't, and why. She investigates a wide array of gatherings--conferences, meetings, a courtroom, a flash-mob party, an Arab-Israeli summer camp--and explains how simple, specific changes can invigorate any group experience.
The result is a book that's both journey and guide, full of exciting ideas with real-world applications. The Art of Gathering will forever alter the way you look at your next meeting, industry conference, dinner party, and backyard barbecue--and how you host and attend them.
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherRiverhead Books
- Publication dateMay 15, 2018
- File size2291 KB
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“The Art of Gathering is one of the most transformative books I’ve read in years. It has fundamentally changed I how run meetings, attend conferences, and even arrange dinner with friends. Equally important, it has reminded me why people come together in the first place — and why we should treat every gathering as an opportunity to deepen our shared humanity.” —Daniel H. Pink, author of When and Drive
“As social animals, humans gather, meet, and bond—seeking meaning, purpose, creative expression, and more. In almost all cases this is an unconscious process leading to subtle frustration and a lack of satisfaction. For the last few years I’ve avoided social gatherings because I find them meaningless and banal. I learned much from this book. Priya Parker has created both an art and a science to gathering in ways that can bring joy and fulfillment to any meeting.” —Deepak Chopra
“[A] remarkable new book about how we spend our time together, at work, at home, and beyond. If you want to get more out of every event, whether it's with your boss and co-workers or friends and family, The Art of Gathering can help.” —Bustle
“[A] fantastic book . . . . Good things happen when people connect. Especially when we follow Priya’s sage advice.” —Forbes
“Enthusiastically delivered formulas for better get-togethers… useful to those whose job it is to plan meetings, conferences, and the like and a worthy survival manual for consumers of the same.” —Kirkus Reviews
“This clear and engaging book sets down many things you thought you knew, until you find yourself remembering that you did not attend to its simple rules at the last significant event you hosted.… A passion for successful encounters enlivens every page.” —Sherry Turkle, author of Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age and Alone Together
“We’re more connected than ever. But it doesn’t really feel that way. We talk on the phone less than we used to, but we spend more time in front of screens, or plugged into earbuds. We’re constantly interacting, but not always communicating on a meaningful level. We’re busy, but we’re not often getting a lot done. Priya Parker aims to change that. In her new book The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters, Parker sets out to make our lives more productive, and our interactions more meaningful.” —Debbie Millman, Design Matters
“A brilliant and eminently practical guide! The Art of Gathering will open your eyes to just how often we gather – and how we can turn those mundane events into dazzling opportunities for meaning, dreaming, and doing. This book should be mandatory reading for everyone from the business executive to the community activist, the conflict resolution specialist to the dinner host. Concrete advice that will forever change the way you gather.” —Daniel L. Shapiro, founder of the Harvard International Negotiation Program and author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable
“Don't read this book alone. Read it at a gathering of friends, in a book club, with a team of colleagues, or on a family reunion. But read it—for its wisdom, its charm, its insight, and its ability to make every encounter with others more meaningful and enjoyable. The Art of Gathering is a book long overdue, and just in time.” —Bruce Feiler, bestselling author of The Secrets of Happy Families and Walking the Bible “Many of the best things in life happen when people gather. So it’s remarkable how little conscious intent goes into planning such moments. Thank goodness for this book. It opens up new ways of thinking about wonderful gatherings with a delicious confection of smartly-defined concepts and detailed examples. Hosts of all kinds, this is a must-read!” —Chris Anderson, owner and curator of TED
“Priya Parker's The Art of Gathering is brilliant. The book is a timely reminder: It’s our human-to-human links that make the most meaningful moments of our lives. Page by page, Parker offers a decoder ring for the secret forces at work when we gather for business, crises or celebration. What to leave out, where to meet, how to charm—it's all here, explained with unforgettable stories and clever tips. You'll only put this book down because it will make you so hungry for a gathering of your own.” —Joshua Cooper Ramo, author of The Seventh Sense and The Age of the Unthinkable
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
We spend our lives gathering—first in our families, then in neighborhoods and playgroups, schools and churches, and then in meetings, weddings, town halls, conferences, birthday parties, product launches, board meetings, class and family reunions, dinner parties, trade fairs, and funerals. And we spend much of that time in uninspiring, underwhelming moments that fail to capture us, change us in any way, or connect us to one another.
Any number of studies support a notion that’s obvious to many of us: Much of the time we spend in gatherings with other people disappoints us. “With the occasional exception, my mood in conferences usually swings between boredom, despair, and rage,” Duncan Green, a blogger and specialist in international development, confesses in the Guardian. Green’s take isn’t unique to conferences: The 2015 State of Enterprise Work survey found that “wasteful meetings” were employees’ top obstacle to getting work done.
We don’t even seem to be thrilled with the time we spend with our friends. A 2013 study, The State of Friendship in America 2013: A Crisis of Confidence, found that 75 percent of respondent were unsatisfied with those relationships. Meanwhile, in How We Gather, a recent report on the spiritual life of young people, Angie Thurston and Casper ter Kuile write, “As traditional religion struggles to attract young people, millennials are looking elsewhere with increasing urgency.”
As much as our gatherings disappoint us, though, we tend to keep gathering in the same tired ways. Most of us remain on autopilot when we bring people together, following stale formulas, hoping that the chemistry of a good meeting, conference, or party will somehow take care of itself, that thrilling results will magically emerge from the usual staid inputs. It is almost always a vain hope.
When we do seek out gathering advice, we almost always turn to those who are focused on the mechanics of gathering: chefs, etiquette experts, floral artists, event planners. By doing so, we inadvertently shrink a human challenge down to a logistical one. We reduce the question of what to do with people to a question of what to do about things: PowerPoints, invitations, AV equipment, cutlery, refreshments. We are tempted to focus on the “stuff” of gatherings because we believe those are the only details we can control. I believe that’s both shortsighted and a misunderstanding about what actually makes a group connect and a gathering matter.
I come to gatherings not as a chef or an event planner, but as someone trained in group dialogue and conflict resolution. I’ve spent much of the past fifteen years of my life studying, designing, and advising gatherings whose goals were to be transformative for the people involved and the communities they were trying to affect. Today I work as a professional facilitator. Though there are many of us around, you may have never heard of us. A facilitator is someone trained in the skill of shaping group dynamics and collective conversations. My job is to put the right people in a room and help them to collectively think, dream, argue, heal, envision, trust, and connect for a specific larger purpose. My lens on gathering—and the lens I want to share with you—places people and what happens between them at the center of every coming together.
In my work, I strive to help people experience a sense of belonging. This probably has something to do with the fact that I have spent my own life trying to figure out where and to whom I belong. I come on my mother’s side from Indian cow worshippers in Varanasi, an ancient city known as the spiritual center of India, and on my father’s side from American cow slaughterers in South Dakota. To cut a very long story short, my parents met in Iowa, fell in love, married, had me in Zimbabwe, worked in fishing villages across Africa and Asia, fell out of love, divorced in Virginia, and went their separate ways. Both of them went on to remarry, finding spouses more of their own world and worldview. After the divorce, I moved every two weeks between my mother’s and father’s households—toggling back and forth between a vegetarian, liberal, incense-filled, Buddhist-Hindu-New Age universe and a meat-eating, conservative, twice-a-week-churchgoing, evangelical Christian realm. So it was perhaps inevitable that I ended up in the field of conflict resolution.
I discovered that field in college when I became interested in, and anguished by, the state of race relations at the University of Virginia. Upon graduating, I worked in communities—in the United States and abroad—to train leaders in a group dialogue process called Sustained Dialogue. It is a gathering technique that aims to transform fractured relationships across racial, ethnic, and religious lines. Through that work, I became fascinated with what occurs when people attempt to come together across difference.
In the years since, I have applied the methods of conflict resolution in a variety of settings and to a great variety of problems. I’ve run meetings in five-star hotels, in public parks, on dirt floors, and in college dorm rooms. I’ve led sessions with villagers in western India grappling with how to rebuild their community after ethnic riots and with Zimbabwean activists fighting the threat of a government shutdown of their NGOs. I’ve worked on dialogues between Arab opposition leaders and their European and American counterparts to explore the relationship between Islam and democracy. I’ve designed gatherings for state and federal officials in the United States to figure out how to revitalize a national poverty program for a new generation. I’ve facilitated gatherings for technology companies, architecture firms, beauty brands, and financial institutions, helping them hold complicated, difficult discussions about their future.
I live in New York City, where people gather a lot. I am often a host and often a guest, and in both roles I am endlessly intrigued by the small and important interventions we can all make to help groups gel. Among my friends and relatives, I am the person people text or call with questions like “Should my work dinner have a guided conversation around a question, or should we just let people chat?” and “How should we handle the one blabbermouth church volunteer?” How, a half-Muslim, half-Christian immigrant friend asked me, might she come up with her own version of a Jewish shiva to mark the death of her father in Germany with friends in New York who never knew him?
In all my gatherings, whether a board meeting or a birthday party, I have come to believe that it is the way a group is gathered that determines what happens in it and how successful it is, the little design choices you can make to help your gathering soar. So The Art of Gathering is part journey and part guidebook. It is for anyone who has ever wondered how to take an ordinary moment with others and make it unforgettable—and meaningful.
My hope is that this book will help you think differently about your gatherings. I have organized the chapters to reflect the sequence that I walk my clients and friends through, and that I employ myself, when designing a meaningful event. Though there are certainly some principles that I believe apply to even the simplest of gatherings, you need not follow every suggestion or step in this book. You are the best person to decide what will be helpful for you and what makes sense in the context of your gatherings.
This book is based on my own experience and ideas, both what I know has worked and what I know hasn’t. Yet because gathering is inherently a collective endeavor, I’ve also interviewed more than one hundred other gatherers to learn their secrets and test my own ideas. My conversations with conference organizers, event planners, circus choreographers, Quaker meeting clerks, camp counselors, funeral directors, DJs, auctioneers, competitive wingsuit flying-formation instructors, rabbis, coaches, choir conductors, performance artists, comedians, game designers, Japanese tea ceremony masters, TV directors, professional photographers, family wealth advisers, and fundraisers have all informed the ideas here. I intentionally draw from a wide variety of gatherings—museums, classrooms, partner meetings, birthday parties, summer camps, and even funerals—to illustrate the creativity that people use regardless of the context, and I hope it inspires you to do the same. All the stories that follow are true, though I have changed some identifying names, details, and locations of events and people for private gatherings. Among the variety of people I spoke with, they all shared one crucial trait: a fascination with what happens when people come together.
As I send you off into these pages, let me declare my bias up front:
I believe that everyone has the ability to gather well.
You don’t have to be an extrovert. In fact, some of the best gatherers I know suffer from social anxiety.
You don’t need to be a boss or a manager. You don’t need a fancy house.
The art of gathering, fortunately, doesn’t rest on your charisma or the quality of your jokes. (I would be in trouble if it did.)
Gatherings crackle and flourish when real thought goes into them, when (often invisible) structure is baked into them, and when a host has the curiosity, willingness, and generosity of spirit to try.
Let’s begin.
Product details
- ASIN : B07637KVXL
- Publisher : Riverhead Books (May 15, 2018)
- Publication date : May 15, 2018
- Language : English
- File size : 2291 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 320 pages
- Best Sellers Rank: #30,034 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #12 in Mate Seeking (Kindle Store)
- #24 in Interpersonal Relations (Kindle Store)
- #41 in Business Leadership
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
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Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book provides valuable insights and helpful points. They describe it as an interesting read with fresh ideas for creating meaningful gatherings. The writing is clear and easy to understand. The book helps people connect in a more personal way, capturing the essence of human connection. Readers appreciate the author's expertise and solid academic background.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book's insights valuable and meaningful. They appreciate the helpful points and real purpose. The book is full of sage wisdom about how to be a good host, and it forces readers to think more intentionally about why have a gathering at all.
"...The book is also full of examples from the author’s life and career but the examples are used to draw principles that are applicable to our daily..." Read more
"Great book for starting good discussions. Good thoughts. Fresh ideas on “gathering”. Certainly recommend for individuals or groups." Read more
"...few are momentous and magical because they have a purpose and real point. An excellent read for all involved with bringing people together." Read more
"Excellent book that helps meet with, around, and on intention and purpose...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and engaging. They say it's a useful guide for gathering people together. The author provides helpful points and fresh ideas on gathering. Overall, readers appreciate the in-depth look at how we gather as friends.
"A weirdly amazing book that mixes principles for organizing a successful gathering together with etiquette rules, psychology and a pinch of politics...." Read more
"Great book for starting good discussions. Good thoughts. Fresh ideas on “gathering”. Certainly recommend for individuals or groups." Read more
"...An excellent read for all involved with bringing people together." Read more
"Excellent book that helps meet with, around, and on intention and purpose...." Read more
Customers find the book's ideas for gatherings helpful. It offers an analytical approach to creating meaningful events where people can connect. Readers appreciate the book's advice on planning events and organizing well-organized gatherings.
"The book explores the critical factors that make any event successful. I recommend it for anyone who wants to take event game to the next level." Read more
"A weirdly amazing book that mixes principles for organizing a successful gathering together with etiquette rules, psychology and a pinch of politics...." Read more
"Great book for starting good discussions. Good thoughts. Fresh ideas on “gathering”. Certainly recommend for individuals or groups." Read more
"...anyone whose professional or personal goals include bringing people together in a positive, intentional way...." Read more
Customers find the book easy to read and well-written. They appreciate the author's clear and concise writing style, as well as her organization skills and expertise in communication and conflict resolution. The book outlines many methods to improve gatherings of all types.
"...Filled with clear examples and stories that make it easy to absorb and follow." Read more
"...a good host, and how to find meaningful themes and organizing principals no matter the scope...." Read more
"...It's clear that the author takes great pride in her organizational chops and the fact that she's willing to be assertive bordering on rude in the..." Read more
"...It's amazingly simple to bring a conversation to a whole new level with her approach...." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's insights into helping people connect in a more personal way. They find it captures the essence of human connection and brilliantly illustrates the significance of meaningful conversations between people. The book provides suggestions on how to make people feel welcome, how to make a meeting, and reconciling conflicts between communities.
"Excellent book that helps meet with, around, and on intention and purpose...." Read more
"...of the ideas in the book about keeping things flowing and getting people interacting...." Read more
"...She captures the essence of human connection and brilliantly illustrates the significance of meaningful gatherings...." Read more
"...This book had some great insights on helping people connect in a more personal way that adds something extra special to the event...." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's insights and expertise. They find it intellectual, refreshing, and easy to understand. The author has a solid academic background, professional experience, and intuition that allows her to analyze events. The book provides a comprehensive look at each stage of an event and how you can make each part special. It is an interesting, different, and accessible guidebook with good tips about hosting.
"...and retreats more effective, and I think the first 3 chapters especially are very helpful, but maybe skip chapter 4 on creating a temporary..." Read more
"...The book gives a comprehensive look at each stage of an event and how you can make each part special...." Read more
"...The way the author talks about hosting and creating a space for a group of people was much more practical than I had expected...." Read more
"...Priya Parker's insights and expertise are nothing short of remarkable...." Read more
Reviews with images
Unexpected insights
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on November 17, 2024The book explores the critical factors that make any event successful. I recommend it for anyone who wants to take event game to the next level.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 25, 2019A weirdly amazing book that mixes principles for organizing a successful gathering together with etiquette rules, psychology and a pinch of politics. The author encourages people to think about various etiquette rules (without making any judgment as to what is right or wrong) and introduces psychological concepts that are prevalent in our daily lives without our realization. While the author does not express any political opinion, she does touch on how today’s political discourse takes shape when people avoid confrontation and she offers some suggestions about how such discourse can lead to fruitful conversations in a respectful environment that encourages people to disagree with each other while also trying to understand each other (after stopping worrying about saying something politically incorrect).
The book is also full of examples from the author’s life and career but the examples are used to draw principles that are applicable to our daily lives. Going forward, it will be one of the books that I will use as a resource whenever I organize a gathering with friends and/or colleagues.
As for the readers who criticized the author’s name-dropping throughout the book. To be honest, I think it’s pretty easy to ignore all the names throughout the book and to just focus on the underlying lessons and principles that the author draws from various examples. But if you have a specific hatred towards influential people, sure, don’t buy/read this book as the mention of familiar names might rub you the wrong way.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 18, 2024Great book for starting good discussions. Good thoughts. Fresh ideas on “gathering”. Certainly recommend for individuals or groups.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 30, 2023Joseph Ratzinger once said our culture had forgotten “the art of living,” the reason we live the way we do. Priya Parker looks at all gatherings to find out why so many are terrible and why a certain few are momentous and magical because they have a purpose and real point. An excellent read for all involved with bringing people together.
- Reviewed in the United States on November 4, 2018I learned about this book while volunteering for Diner en Blanc, very fitting as Priya spends four pages discussing that event! I would agree that this book is not for everyone, so if you do not throw parties, organize events, gather friends for costume parties, dinner parties etc, enjoy immersive theatre, or are not curious about what makes these things tick, this may not be the book for you. My wife and I do all of these things, and for me this book is a total up-level/game-changer. Wow!
The book is full of sage wisdom about how to be a good host, and how to find meaningful themes and organizing principals no matter the scope. I do not agree that the book is exceedingly focused on business gatherings, but it will definitely help you understand why some gatherings really go, and others just plain suck.
Thank you Priya for this book, you have helped make life more interesting!
-- David (and Jennifer)
- Reviewed in the United States on November 22, 2023Excellent book that helps meet with, around, and on intention and purpose. From way before the gathering to the ending (and after)… how do you do it all on purpose and not with rote thinking and stale process.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 11, 2023This book was super interesting to read, and I learned a lot that I want to come back to and apply as I plan various events and retreats. However, I think the primary flaw for my own reading experience was how absurd the examples became about halfway through the book, at chapter four. The author has been involved in many interesting gatherings, and she has researched some very dramatic and obscure parties. However, the examples became pretty unrelatable, and I was no longer able to picture how her principles could connect to more “normal” activities, parties, meetings, and weekends. I would still recommend the book if you are thinking about how to make your events and retreats more effective, and I think the first 3 chapters especially are very helpful, but maybe skip chapter 4 on creating a temporary alternative world.
- Reviewed in the United States on May 26, 2024This book is incredibly valuable for anyone whose professional or personal goals include bringing people together in a positive, intentional way. Filled with clear examples and stories that make it easy to absorb and follow.
Top reviews from other countries
- GoodReviewed in India on April 11, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Good to read
Good to read
-
mauricioReviewed in Mexico on May 8, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Buen libro
Buen libro
- noesunReviewed in France on August 23, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read
Loads of insights, made accessible through a wide spectrum of examples and a nice, practical and honest style. Great depth in the research as well, it goes beyond just "gathering"
- IgnacioReviewed in Spain on May 20, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Good book to let you think
This book lets you think about gatherings and what is the root cause of it. And plenty of things about differents aspects of gatherings.
Sometimes little long on personal exemple but it worths the time spent reading it.
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Nadja PetranovskajaReviewed in Germany on February 9, 2020
5.0 out of 5 stars So viel Inspiration!
Was ich an diesem Buch mag: es geht zwar um Moderation, aber die zahlreichen Beispiele zeigen, wie sehr Moderation mehr ist als Workshops und Meetings! Auch in Familien oder im Gerichtssaal kann man mit der richtigen Haltung so viel für ein besseres und verständnisvolles Miteinander tun!