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The Lie: A Memoir of Two Marriages, Catfishing & Coming Out Kindle Edition

4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 5,265 ratings

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A candid memoir of denial, stolen identities, betrayal, faking it, and coming out.

Do you know me?, the email began, sparking tremors of fear that turned into a full quake of panic when William Dameron discovered that his selfie had been stolen by strangers. On social networks and dating sites, his image and identity—a forty-year-old straight white male—had been used to hook countless women into believing in lies of love and romance. Was it all an ironic cosmic joke? Almost a decade prior, William himself had been living a lie that had lasted for more than twenty years. His secret? He was a gay man, a fact he hid from his wife and two daughters for almost as long as he had hidden it from himself.

In this emotional and unflinchingly honest memoir of coming out of the closet late in life, owning up to the past, and facing the future, William Dameron confronts steroid addiction, the shame and homophobia of his childhood, the sledgehammer of secrets that slowly tore his marriage apart, and his love for a gay father of three that would once again challenge the boundaries of trust. At the true heart of The Lie is a universal story about turning self-doubt into self-acceptance and about pain, anger, and the long journey of both seeking and giving forgiveness.

Popular Highlights in this book

Editorial Reviews

Review

“Compelling…Darkly animated…Tamps down the tall grass of untold experience.” New York Times

“Candid and compassionate, the book celebrates truth and honors the redemptive power of forgiveness and love…Uplifting.” Kirkus Reviews

“[An] exploration of what it means to deceive another person and why we do it—whether catfishing online or pretending to be someone you’re not in real life…insightful and empathetic.” Salon

“Dameron inverts the typical catfishing tale of woe…[his] prose truly shines, with the awe of a child realizing himself, and the impossibility of that self…this isn’t your typical coming out story. It’s coming out much later in life, with children, with families to blend and houses to divide…The family shame runs so deep here that it is a river that forks into several families across generations, from grandfather to granddaughter and everyone in between…It’s a poem of a book that refuses, thankfully, to resolve.” —Lambda Literary

“A book that is a joyful testament to the transformative power of love and acceptance…In a climate in which certain rights and protections, recently presumed inalienable, now seem vulnerable once more, memoirs such as Dameron’s feel all the more crucial to the cultural conversation.” The Times (UK)

“Immersive, passionate, honest, and laugh-out-loud funny.” Writer’s Bone

“[A] deeply personal memoir…unflinchingly honest.” The Advocate

“At once brutal and beautiful, William Dameron’s memoir unearths layers of secrets and decades of deception in startling, vivid prose. The Lie could not be more honest.” —Augusten Burroughs, New York Times bestselling author of Running with Scissors

“William Dameron’s memoir is an unflinchingly honest and brave work that explores the secrets and lies of his lifetime as a married, closeted Southern man. But like all good books, it’s really about so much more. I dare anyone who reads it to not think of their own struggles to admit who we truly are at heart. In a way, The Lie is a coming-of-age story that reminds us it’s never too late to become our true selves.” —Ann Hood, New York Times bestselling author of The Book That Matters Most: A Novel

“In his first memoir, William Dameron shares a little-understood experience in queer life: that of the closeted parent. Writing with uncommon grace and compassion, Dameron does more than describe the burdens of carrying “the lie”; he shows us how to live honestly and what it means to be human. This book is a beautiful and necessary read.” —Alysia Abbott, author of Fairyland: A Memoir of My Father

“Honest, wise, lyrical, funny—if memoirs (or love stories) come better than this one, I haven’t read them.” —Andrew Tobias, New York Times bestselling author of The Best Little Boy in the World

“What does it mean to live in the closet? We use the term almost unthinkingly, forgetting what a dark and sealed-off place it really is. In The Lie, William Dameron digs deep to explore a life shrouded in shame and secrets. In vivid, clear prose, he bravely and candidly shares his story. I found myself rooting for him to save himself, while also understanding the impact this salvation would have on his wife and daughters. This memoir overflows with insights into the nature of marriage, family, and desire. In the end, it’s a story of how to live responsibly, love truly, and find a place in your heart for forgiveness.” —K. M. Soehnlein, Lambda Literary Award–winning author of The World of Normal Boys

“You certainly should be excited about The Lie. This wise and generous memoir answers questions in living an examined life. Dameron has written his own confession as Saint Augustine did and has managed to make the telling of one man’s moral struggle include everybody. The writing is clear and true and evocative with a momentum that doesn’t frustrate or disappoint. The people are fully realized. It is a book that will help readers feel less lonely as they stumble toward their light.” —Gail Godwin, three-time National Book Award finalist and New York Times bestselling author of A Mother and Two Daughters

“When his identity is stolen online, William Dameron is confronted with the most obvious metaphor—after all, he himself had been putting forth a false identity. This is a book about that crucible moment, that lifelong lie—a memoir of a life held back and held in, of his steroid abuse and self-loathing, a memoir about faces stolen and revealed and about how a gay man who is a husband and father comes to terms with a later life awakening. In achingly beautiful and searingly honest prose, Dameron comes face-to-face with the fact that he dearly loves aspects of this falsified life. In the wake of this experience, Dameron drills down deep into a life he thought was authentic and true to find layers of self-deceits and cover-ups, in order to let both pain and beauty, eroticism and happiness come rushing in.” —Elizabeth Cohen, author of The Family on Beartown Road: A Memoir of Love and Courage

From the Publisher

We are a species of pretenders. As children, we invest in the world of make believe and imaginary friends; we cling to stories where animals talk and the good guys always win. In adulthood, we create captivating optical illusions of ourselves on social media, at work, and at times even with our own families. But how do you find your true self when you’ve lived a lie for so long? This is the question William Dameron has to confront after his image and identity are stolen and used to catfish countless women around the world into false online relationships. Though William’s marriage ended a decade ago, the catfishing scheme forces him to relook at the emotional betrayal he inflicted on his ex-wife and two kids, in which he convinced them that he was someone he wasn’t.

Are you gay? Katherine asks him one day in a Walmart parking lot, summoning the courage to begin the end of their twenty-year marriage and giving him the gift of a chance at an authentic life. In The Lie: A Memoir of Two Marriages, Catfishing & Coming Out, William takes us on a dark journey of steroid abuse, obsession, self-loathing, and a husband and father’s irreparable secrets as he grapples with the demons of his past: a mother’s rejection, the homophobia of his upbringing, the cultural landscape of violence against LGBTQ people, and the damage that he himself inflicted on those he loved most. With unflinching honesty and bravery, William takes readers on a journey through the messy business of forgiveness (who is it for and who has a right to ask for it?), asking perhaps one of the hardest questions of all: Who is he without his lifelong lie? With stunning prose and great heart, The Lie teaches us that the hardest questions are the ones most likely to set us free.

- Hafizah Geter, Editor

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B07H7J16QC
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Little A (July 1, 2019)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ July 1, 2019
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 3106 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 287 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.2 4.2 out of 5 stars 5,265 ratings

About the author

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William Dameron
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William Dameron is an award-winning writer. He is the author of the New York Times Editors' Choice, The Lie. His work has appeared in the New York Times, the Boston Globe, O Magazine, The Washington Post, Lithub, Salon, the Huffington Post, Saranac Review, Hippocampus Magazine, and in the book Fashionably Late: Gay, Bi & Trans Men Who Came Out Later in Life. He is an IT director for a global economics consulting firm, where he educates users on the perils of social engineering in cybersecurity. William, his husband, live on the coast of southern Maine. For more information, visit the author at www.williamdameron.com.

Customer reviews

4.2 out of 5 stars
5,265 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the memoir engaging and thought-provoking. They praise the writing quality as honest and well-crafted. The book is described as a real-life account of finding one's true self. Many readers appreciate the humor and emotional depth in the story. However, some feel the story lacks compelling value and boredom quickly.

AI-generated from the text of customer reviews

312 customers mention "Readability"312 positive0 negative

Customers find the memoir engaging and well-written. They appreciate the author's straightforward narrative that explains his coming out journey. The book is described as an interesting read from start to finish with its wit and relatability.

"What a beautiful, emotional book...." Read more

"...to you Bill.....a hard, complex, exhausting journey written about exquisitely, compassionately, and insightfully. Thank you for sharing your journey." Read more

"...Another part of the book is an engaging but somewhat erratic tale that leaps from memories of an emotionally abusive childhood, to a crush on a male..." Read more

"This story hooked my heart...." Read more

250 customers mention "Thought provoking"241 positive9 negative

Customers find the book heartfelt and thought-provoking. They appreciate the author's honesty and life journey. The book encourages self-awareness and makes you take stock of your life. Readers are moved by the author's honesty.

"What a beautiful, emotional book. The author unpacked his soul, his experiences, and those of his family and lays the cards frankly down in front..." Read more

"...were a bit rough in places, the story left me with a deeper understanding of forgiveness and the necessity to give up feeding anger and a desire for..." Read more

"...I was also touched and heartened (in the age of Trumpism that deplores and bullies those different) by the kind, selfless giving, acceptance,..." Read more

"...for Mr. Cameron to bare his soul, but he gave his readers a mighty gift of honesty. I was humbled by the depth of his story." Read more

189 customers mention "Writing quality"171 positive18 negative

Customers find the book well-written and engaging. They appreciate the author's honest and personal sharing with the reader. The book is described as an easy read with beautiful language and a bold voice.

"...It's written eloquently, whether in the darkness or light...." Read more

"Authentic and open, this is the story about a gay man finding and honoring himself, little by little, as he realizes he does not want to live a lie...." Read more

"...The writer has the ability to describe a multi-layered and complex story in beautifully written prose. Kudos to you Bill.....a hard, complex,..." Read more

"...It is a good read. The author writes well and has a good eye for detail...." Read more

150 customers mention "Honesty"142 positive8 negative

Customers appreciate the author's honesty and truthful writing style. They find the story relatable and insightful, shedding light on the realities of being gay and openly LGBTQ. The book helps readers better understand their gay children and friends.

"...It gave me hope and faith there are still many loving, kind, open people out there! And last, but certainly not least - this book was written..." Read more

"...He felt rejection, but even his ex-wife gave him support. Bill is a likable guy, and for him to bare his life wide open to tell his story is admiral...." Read more

"...All the highs. All of the lowest of lows. He is so honest it makes you root for him even when you question what he is doing to himself as well as..." Read more

"...I was moved by his life journey and his honesty. A good read for everybody." Read more

16 customers mention "Humor"13 positive3 negative

Customers enjoy the book's humor. They find it touching and authentic, with humor in sadness. The book has them laughing, smiling, and crying heartily.

"...and difficulties, sometimes heartbreaking difficulties, and yet also laughter and a good ending...." Read more

"...I laughed and cried, both, heartily. I wished for less cruelty and hoped for more love...." Read more

"...with raw emotions yet told with abject honesty, humility and a healthy dose of humor...." Read more

"This memoir is not only enlightening, it is entertaining, funny, thought-provoking & inspirational...." Read more

37 customers mention "Story quality"25 positive12 negative

Customers have mixed opinions about the story. Some find it heartfelt and emotional, with many emotions shared throughout. Others describe it as a tragic story without happy endings, an erratic tale, and frustrating with breaks in the storytelling.

"...sometimes heartbreaking difficulties, and yet also laughter and a good ending...." Read more

"...his immediate family, but he finally has the strength, and the loving relationships, to stand against it. An excellent read." Read more

"...Another part of the book is an engaging but somewhat erratic tale that leaps from memories of an emotionally abusive childhood, to a crush on a male..." Read more

"A compelling story of life and love. Told with an honest and bold voice. I couldn't put it down. A great read from start to finish." Read more

32 customers mention "Pain level"21 positive11 negative

Customers have different views on the book's pain level. Some find it honest and poignant, allowing them to empathize with the author's struggles. Others find it difficult to feel the author's pain and discomfort reading about his suffering. The first-person narrative feels awkwardly intimate for some readers.

"...sharing the experiences of his family and loved ones, he's honest to the point of pain, but respectful...." Read more

"...His empathic understanding of the struggles and pain his wife and children endured in the process of his not dealing with/dealing with his sexual..." Read more

"...This memoir was painful to read to how this affected his former wife and his children --- still this was so interesting to read an honest and brave..." Read more

"Full of emotions, one feels the pain and at last the happiness...." Read more

28 customers mention "Value for money"8 positive20 negative

Customers find the book unengaging and lacking value for money. They feel it's too lighthearted in certain sections that should have explored self-hatred. Additionally, they feel the author uses unnecessary literary devices and makes inappropriate comments about the President.

"...very gifted author but my utter dislike for him makes the book incredibly hard to enjoy...." Read more

"...It was too lighthearted in sections that should have explored self-hate...." Read more

"...It is an important book as it reminds us all of the gross bigotry that faced gays and lesbians for years and how they had to lie to the world to..." Read more

"...He uses a lot of weird and unnecessary literary devices. The last 75 or so pages were great, though." Read more

What’s your lie?
5 out of 5 stars
What’s your lie?
What a fascinating quick read! Even more fascinating is that it’s a memoir, and not a work of fiction. I couldn’t put it down.Regardless of your sexual orientation, we can all relate to Bill and his story - on some level, big or small, to not always being true to ourselves. It’s called being human. This memoir is real, raw, and so descriptive you felt you were part of the story as he came closer to finding his truth.The author’s bravery will help pave the wave for others, living their own lie. Lessons to be learned on forgiveness as well.There are many great lines that resonated with me. Life lessons on every page! I’ll need to read it again. You won’t be disappointed.“What we put out into the universe comes back to us, but who can predict the amount of time it takes to make its return ......”
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on June 3, 2019
    What a beautiful, emotional book. The author unpacked his soul, his experiences, and those of his family and lays the cards frankly down in front of the reader. It's written eloquently, whether in the darkness or light.

    While sharing the experiences of his family and loved ones, he's honest to the point of pain, but respectful. He knows enough to say when he can't imagine what they're thinking or going through, which places needed limits on what he shares about them.

    The tale, to some degree, is sadly too common. Forbidden longing due to society and religion and family, hidden under attempting 'normalcy,' whatever that may truly be. As the author says, I'm grateful that this is becoming less normal, and people can live their truths. The catfishing and stolen identity is a different, though interwoven, tale less common. The similarities are well established, though.

    The book unfolds like a story told to friends - or a therapy group. Time frames are loose, dancing back and forth among years to weave pieces of his life together beautifully. An example of the writing, which is eloquent and compelling:

    "Boxes. The garage was still filled with so many unpacked boxes from our move back to New England six months ago. We didn’t leave anything behind.

    We packed it all up and brought it with us, including my insecurity in bubble wrap, and unpacked as soon as we reached our new home. Like Maggie, my insecurity twitched and scampered about the house, begging for attention and nipping at my ankles. Katherine had gathered up her bottles of medications and brought those along too, her mental state a constant companion, the two of us locked in a fatal embrace."

    I wish the author and his family peace. Thank you for sharing your story.
    10 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on June 21, 2019
    Authentic and open, this is the story about a gay man finding and honoring himself, little by little, as he realizes he does not want to live a lie. It shows how close to one another bravery and cowardess are as well as love and hate. Although the transitions between chapters were a bit rough in places, the story left me with a deeper understanding of forgiveness and the necessity to give up feeding anger and a desire for vengeance in order to heal. A very touching real life story.
    2 people found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on July 6, 2019
    This was a really good book...in many, many ways. First of all, I give a huge amount of credit to all the people involved in this story. The pain, the doubts, the confusion and self-doubt, are so clearly portrayed... but most of all the brutal social stigmas in the past and in the present that have often made life agonizing for LBGQT people and even for the people that love them. It is heartbreaking, especially if you don't have family or a support system helping you navigate from childhood into adulthood.
    The author did a thorough job of presenting a complete scope of the the difficulty and suffering his family went through. His empathic understanding of the struggles and pain his wife and children endured in the process of his not dealing with/dealing with his sexual orientation was extraordinary. He "got it"; his understanding of their pain and not only his own was poignant....the suffering of all involved was palpable. I admire this about him; there are few so empathic and introspectful. I admire he took the time to process what ALL involved went through rather than just his own suffering.
    I was also touched and heartened (in the age of Trumpism that deplores and bullies those different) by the kind, selfless giving, acceptance, faith in, and joy given to him by some of those around him....Paul, David, the 'group', Linda and Debra, Enzo, and even Paul's children, parents, and sister. It gave me hope and faith there are still many loving, kind, open people out there!
    And last, but certainly not least - this book was written beautifully! It was a pleasure just to read even though the content held a lot of pain. The writer has the ability to describe a multi-layered and complex story in beautifully written prose.
    Kudos to you Bill.....a hard, complex, exhausting journey written about exquisitely, compassionately, and insightfully. Thank you for sharing your journey.
    2 people found this helpful
    Report

Top reviews from other countries

  • Co
    5.0 out of 5 stars Not for that faint of heart
    Reviewed in Canada on June 26, 2021
    Sometimes I couldn't put it down, other times I wanted to throw my kindle at the wall. I'm going through what he did but I'm very early on. Many parts of the book parallel my life. Reading it was like climbing a mountain I didn't want to climb. I know it's a memoir but to me it was a self help book. If you are going through this I highly recommend it but don't expect it to be easy.
  • Susan P 🙃
    5.0 out of 5 stars Wow what an eye opener
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 15, 2020
    So much I would love to write but I can't find an order to put the words in to write. But I loved this book 😊
  • H Rose Jackson
    4.0 out of 5 stars Interesting and moving
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on July 24, 2023
    A moving account of what happens when a gay man marries a woman. In the author's case, his mother's disapproval of his sexuality growing up played a big part. His love for his daughters and his hurt on behalf of his wife comes across, as does his deep inner conflict about giving up his life for a new one.

    It's well-written and a touching reminder of how repressing who you are never works for long.
  • clare price
    5.0 out of 5 stars A wonderful insight into being in and out of the closet
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 14, 2019
    A beautiful and emotional story of one mans struggle with his true identity, his attempt to please his familyand the eventual acceptance of himself.
    One person found this helpful
    Report
  • CLAIR LEWIS
    3.0 out of 5 stars The Lie
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on August 24, 2020
    I thought this was interesting. It just goes to show how you can lie most of your life. Then change it around for the better. Just a shame he hurt so many people along the way. Thanks for being brave & writing this account of your life.

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