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They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life - Revised and Updated Edition Kindle Edition

by Oliver James (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 378 ratings
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Do your relationships tend to follow the same destructive pattern? Do you feel trapped by your family's expectations of you? Does your life seem overwhelmingly governed by jealousy or competitiveness or lack of confidence? In this ground-breaking book, clinical psychologist Oliver James shows that it is the way we were cared for in the first six years of life that has a crucial effect on who we are and how we behave. Nurture, in effect, shapes our very nature. James combines the latest scientific research with fascinating interviews to show that understanding your past is the first step to controlling your present.

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  1. Print length
    404 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Sticky notes
    On Kindle Scribe
  4. Publisher
    Bloomsbury Publishing
  5. Publication date
    December 20, 2010
  6. File size
    4421 KB
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  8. Word Wise
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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher

"If every parent were forced to read it before raising a child, it would do greater good for the happiness and prosperity of this country than any number of government initiatives." —Alain de Botton, author of How Proust Can Change Your Life (on the UK edition)

About the Author

Oliver James trained and practiced as a clinical child psychologist, and since 1987 has worked as a writer, journalist, and television documentary producer and presenter. He currently writes a weekly column for the Observer (UK) and is the author of Juvenile Violence in a Winner-Loser Culture and the UK bestselling Britain on the Couch, which was also a successful documentary series. He is a trustee of two children's charities, the National Family and Parenting Institute and Homestart. He lives in England.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B004ISKMBC
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Bloomsbury Publishing; 1st edition (December 20, 2010)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ December 20, 2010
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 4421 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Not Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 404 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 378 ratings

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Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
378 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Art B
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read, for anyone who thinks they are psychological
Reviewed in the United States on March 28, 2010
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This is a wonderful, well written, highly thoughtful and rather provacative book. It thoroughly, and compellingly discusses the importance of parenting (nurturance) upon how we become the people we are. It likely will go against the grain for those who so pervasively and unpsychologically, try and medicalize mental health, or focus upon genetics. Indeed, the manner in which we were nurtured is clearly identified as having an effect upon our personal/psychological chemistry (as opposed to the other way around).

Oliver James is a great writer, who shares his own experiences and talks about the importance of nurturance, or the lack therof, in the upbringing of people such as Prince Charles, Jeffrey Archer, and Woody Allen, among many interesting others. This really is a unique and valuable book and I'd encourage you to look through it's pages and then dive right in; it doesn't really matter if you start in the middle and then migrate back to the beginning.

I started re-reading the book the day following the first time I had read it, cover to cover. This is an important read for anyone who really wants to see what their parents did to them and how our problems are a direct reflection of the manner in which we were or were not nurtured by our caregivers, primary among them parents, and surrogates. The book discusses related scientific research in a clear, rational, thoughtful manner. The writing is insightful and original.

They F*** You UP is a good call to the way in which we can work towards changing the damage done by our parents through better life experiences, better relationships, and good therapy. Simply reading this book can put you on a good road towards feeling better and stronger.
12 people found this helpful
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Not My Real Name
5.0 out of 5 stars I Was Initially Skeptical, But Discovered A Masterpiece
Reviewed in the United States on December 8, 2014
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It's the first book I've read that from a clinical view convinces me that genetics doesn't have much to do with poor trauma-management performance. Many books I've read assert similar claims, and all "feel" right. However, I wanted something meatier. I'm a scientist. It's not enough to "feel" right. I must see that it actually "is" right. While his book is controversial, and he draws on the works or Rufus May and sometimes on lesser known theorists, Oliver James draws on hundreds of peer-reviewed studies, his own extensive experience in treatment and therapy, and a sense of kindness to indicate that it is a fallacy of nurture and not of nature which debilitates people down the line and sets them up for addiction, personality disorders, and failed relationships.

Overall it is a terrific book, and it helps sufferers to realize that they're not entirely to blame for being f***ed up. They can admit how damaged they are, but can also let go of the shame and confusion about who exactly did the damage. "They F*** You Up" is an engaging read. I encourage anyone who is on a journey in their own life or who would like to expand their knowledge to assist in client trauma resolution and other such things to read this.
7 people found this helpful
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Karol
4.0 out of 5 stars Insightful reading
Reviewed in the United States on September 6, 2012
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I love this book, both now as a reference text and when I was reading it - and analysing me and everyone around me. With very interesting examples to prove / disprove theories, Mr. James writes as a clever, witty and genuinely knowledgeable author. This book inspired me to think, analyse, cry, laugh and feel amazed. Everyone should read this - as a child, not as a parent. Be warned!
2 people found this helpful
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Leah Stevens
5.0 out of 5 stars Great insight into mental health.
Reviewed in the United States on October 22, 2013
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Excellent book. Ground breaking. Read it 6 years ago and gave it to an intern psychiatrist. Had to have my own copy.
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Becky Rodriguez
5.0 out of 5 stars !!!!!!!
Reviewed in the United States on July 3, 2020
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book mailed a day late but whatever i got the book tysm
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lyndell Kent
5.0 out of 5 stars Best self discovery book I have read!
Reviewed in the United States on March 16, 2013
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An excellent read, we'll written and made a lot of sense. I sent my daughter a copy too. It will help her become even more beautiful and confident, as well as understand me, her mother.
3 people found this helpful
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D. P. Birkett
3.0 out of 5 stars Down memory lane
Reviewed in the United States on February 19, 2012
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There is a certain sense of nostalgia in this resurrection of classical Freudian theories that are no longer taken seriously by mainstream psychiatry. Perhaps they are not taken seriously enough. It is good to be reminded of the important work of Bowlby and Ainsworth.

Explaining why we are the way we are always has some interest, and we cannot expect scientific certainty. An explanation based on childhood experiences is interesting in a way that other explanations are not. It also gives us the hope of resolving our issues with talk therapy.

James divides personalities into the secure, the wobblers, the clingers and the avoidants. Each is the result of a particular type of upbringing, and he offers questionnaires to help to show the reader what his or her parents did wrong. For very opposite points of view you might read Judith Harris's "The Nurture Assumption" or Nettle's book on Personality

The book also contains psycho-biographies of living people the author has sometimes met. This is no longer considered ethical by professionals, although the writer is not apparently a practicing clinician and these people were not his patients.

To some extent the psycho-biographies improve readability, although at the expense of plausibility. The evidence for his theories is often stated as "studies have shown" without any references. There are a lot of references but they are hard to track down, being numbered within the chapter, which leads you to numbers at the end of the book that then lead you to a list of names in alphabetical order. The name sometimes turns out to be that of a book, without a page number.

His views on schizophrenia are especially controversial. Suggesting that schizophrenia is due to wrong parenting in early childhood is no longer fashionable and makes many people angry. Did we throw the baby out with the bathwater? Did we reject scientific evidence because of pressure from NAMI? I don't think so, even after reading this book. The scientific evidence is dealt with fairly by Julian Leff, among others in Wing's "Schizophrenia, towards a New Synthesis" (my copy is a 1978 edition, but the evidence James cites is mostly older than that)

It is true that identical twins are not fully concordant for schizophrenia. That has to mean that heredity is not the full story, so it seems reasonable to look for an environmental cause. So far one has not been found. The main problem with looking for a case in early childhood is that schizophrenia does not strike until the late teens of early twenties, and many victims have been through a normal adolescence. Intuitively it seems more likely that a disorder due to very early childhood environment would start earlier in life.
13 people found this helpful
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Regina Huber
4.0 out of 5 stars Me and My Family
Reviewed in the United States on September 3, 2013
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The book has helped me understand my family dynamic. It so hits the nail on the head concerning the relationsip with my mother.
One person found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Sally Boland
5.0 out of 5 stars I adore this book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 12, 2023
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Very easy to read, with many real-world examples of celebrities and royal family members, including notes on their childhood, upbringing and neuroses.
Fascinating material. I read it for the first time twenty years ago and have purchased many copies as gifts since then.
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Cliente Amazon
3.0 out of 5 stars Climical analysis
Reviewed in Spain on January 20, 2021
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This book goes into a lot of statistical detail and real life case studies on known subjects. A little too much of a clinical approach for me and doesn't offer practical solutions on how to live a positive life even after recognising destructive behavioural patterns..
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Eine Kundin
4.0 out of 5 stars "Sie machen dich fertig" (der Titel ins Deutsche übersetzt)
Reviewed in Germany on December 20, 2020
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Ein ziemlich interessantes Buch über die Auswirkungen der Kindheit, in dem auch angeregt wird, systematisch zu erforschen, welche - oft diffusen - Erwartungen die Eltern an ihre Kinder / ihr Kind hatten, welche Position man innerhalb einer Geschwisterreihe hatte und mehr. Spannend auch: die furchtbare Kindheit von Prince Charles, und über jene von George Bush junior (das ist schon in das Thema "Psychohistorie" einzureihen). Das Buch ist ein wichtiger Gegenpol zu den Büchern die auffordern "die Kindheit hinter sich zu lassen", denn so richtig kann man das nicht, ist meine Erfahrung, auch nach Psychotherapie und Familienaufstellungen. Schade, dass es ein so brutaler Titel ist, aber für die, die es noch nicht wussten: im angloamerikanischen Raum gibt es eine oft strengere, religiös motivierte (Anglikaner) Kindererziehung und eine Ablehnung von Gesetzen zum Schutz von Kindern vor Gewalt. Erst im Jahr 2020 haben Schottland und Wales einem vollständigen Kinderschutz zugestimmt - die USA lehnen eine Ratifizierung der UN Kinderrechte ab (!).
One person found this helpful
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Copeland
5.0 out of 5 stars Every genuinely caring parent or would-be parent should read this book. It's never too late.
Reviewed in Canada on October 3, 2013
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A fascinating and very readable book about how every child's character is heavily biased and formed by each parent. Sometimes emotionally disturbing, as it resonates strongly for all who read it, whether a parent or a younger person with parenting in their future.
I've always believed that most parents try to do their best by their children, yet inevitably get it wrong in various ways - but this book shows me just HOW wrong we can get it, and why, and the way that getting it wrong can adversely affect our children for life. Much of our 'going wrong' can be avoided, once we understand how children look at the world from their limited perspective, while we, the adults, only see things from our own end of the spectrum, with all the hang-ups from our own upbringing.
If you can't bring yourself to read it, then you are probably someone who MUST read it. The book is not about blame, but about observation and recognition, and, hopefully, changing how one relates to infants, children and young people in one's everyday interaction with them as parents. Looking back at my own childhood, I now understand where some of my own hang-ups stem from, and as an adult, can deal with them and move forward. It's never too late.
3 people found this helpful
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Bad customer service
5.0 out of 5 stars NO PROBLEMS
Reviewed in Japan on March 2, 2012
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It arrived before I expected
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