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The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love Paperback – August 15, 2017

by Janet W. Hardy (Author), Dossie Easton (Author)

4.7 5,442 ratings

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The classic guide to love, sex, and intimacy beyond the limits of conventional monogamy has been fully updated to reflect today’s modern attitudes and the latest information on nontraditional relationships.

“One of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It’s chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity.”—Annie Sprinkle, PhD, sexologist and author of Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex

For 20 years The Ethical Slut—widely known as the “Poly Bible”—has dispelled myths and showed curious readers how to maintain a successful polyamorous lifestyle through open communication, emotional honesty, and safer sex practices. The third edition of this timeless guide to the ethics of relationships, communication, and sex has been revised to include:

• Interviews with poly millennials (young people who have grown up without the prejudices their elders encountered regarding gender, orientation, sexuality, and relationships)
• Tributes to polyamory pioneers
• Tools for conflict resolution and instructions on how to improve interpersonal dynamics
• New sidebars on topics such as asexuality, sex workers, LGBTQ terminology, and ways polys can connect and thrive

The authors also include new content addressing nontraditional relationships beyond the polyamorous paradigm of “more than two”: couples who don't live together, couples who don't have sex with each other, nonparallel arrangements, couples with widely divergent sex styles, power disparities, and cross-orientation relationships, while utilizing nonbinary gender language and new terms that have come into common usage since the last edition.

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Popular Highlights in this book

What are popular highlights?

We measure the ethics of good sluts not by the number of their partners, but by the respect and care with which they treat them.
Highlighted by 4,349 Kindle readers
People have sex because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves. Pleasure is a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself: the worthiness of pleasure is one of the core values of ethical sluthood.
Highlighted by 4,326 Kindle readers
Many people, in fact, find that their outside relationships can increase their intimacy with their primary partner by reducing the pressures on that relationship.
Highlighted by 4,129 Kindle readers
When you have built a satisfying relationship with yourself, then you have something of great worth to share with others.
Highlighted by 3,792 Kindle readers
“We believe it’s okay to have sex with anybody you love, and we believe in loving everybody.”
Highlighted by 3,165 Kindle readers

From the Publisher

To be an ethical slut you need to have very good boundaries

Editorial Reviews

Review

“The Ethical Slut is a classic, a book that helped launch the modern non-monogamy movement. Updating a book of such historical significance is no easy task, but The Ethical Slut, Third Edition succeeds beautifully. Where the original broke radical new ground, this edition is more nuanced, a book for a more complex age. In the third edition, we see the wide variety of forms ethical non-monogamy, and indeed human sexual relationships, can take. This new version brings a new focus on consent, talks about the many wonderful and varied ways ethical non-monogamy happens, and shows an appreciation for the vast range of human sexuality. This is The Ethical Slut for a new era, and cements the book’s place as one of the cornerstones of modern non-monogamous thought.”
—Franklin Veaux, More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory

“In the two decades since the first edition of The Ethical Slut has been published, polyamory has expanded into a practice that, if not outright mainstream, is at least much more widely accepted and understood. […] The 20th anniversary edition of The Ethical Slut, has been significantly updated and expanded from its humble debut, including sections to poly pioneers, black poly activism and yes, shifting attitudes towards polyamory within a new generation. They acknowledge that millennials reading the book today will not have been raised in the same context that Hardy and Easton were – before the sexual revolution, when saving oneself for marriage was considered the norm.”
—Anna Fitzpatrick,Rolling Stone

About the Author

Janet W. Hardy is the author of more than ten books and the founder of Greenery Press, a now defunct publisher specializing in sexually adventurous books. She has an MFA in creative writing from St. Mary's College, and swore off monogamy in 1987.

Dossie Easton is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in alternative sexualities and relationships, with twenty years of experience counseling open relationships. She is the author of four other books, and has been an ethical slut since 1969.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

WHO IS AN ETHICAL SLUT?

Many people dream of having an abundance of love and sex and friendship. Some believe that such a life is impossible and settle for less than they want, feeling always a little lonely, a little frustrated. Others try to achieve their dream but are thwarted by outside social pressures or by their own emotions, and decide that such dreams must stay in the realm of fantasy. A few, though, persist and discover that being openly loving, intimate, and sexual with many people is not only possible but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined.

People have been succeeding at free love for many centuries—often quietly, without much fanfare. In this book, we will share the techniques, the skills, and the ideals that have made it work for them.

So who is an ethical slut? We are. Many, many others are. Maybe you are too. If you dream of freedom, if you dream of intimacy both hot and profound, if you dream of an abundance of friends and flirtation and affection, of following your desires and seeing where they take you, then you’ve already taken the first step.

Why We Chose This Title

From the moment you saw or heard about this book, you probably guessed that some of the terms may not have the meanings you’re accustomed to.

What kind of people would revel in calling themselves sluts? And why would they insist on being recognized for their ethics?

In most of the world, slut is a highly offensive term used to describe a woman whose sexuality is voracious, indiscriminate, and shameful. It’s interesting to note that the analogous words stud or player, used to describe a highly sexual man, are often terms of approval and envy. If you ask about a man’s morals, you will probably hear about his honesty, loyalty, integrity, and high principles. When you ask about a woman’s morals, you are more likely to hear about whom she shares sex with and under what conditions. We have a problem with this.

So we are proud to reclaim the word slut as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a slut is a person of any gender who celebrates sexuality according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you. Sluts may choose to have no sex at all or to get cozy with the Fifth Fleet. They may be heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, or bisexual, radical activists or peaceful suburbanites.

As proud sluts, we believe that sex and sexual love are fundamental forces for good, activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, open spiritual awareness, even change the world. Furthermore, we believe that every consensual intimate relationship has these potentials and that any erotic pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities.

Sluts share their sexuality the way philanthropists share their money: because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because sharing makes the world a better place. Sluts often find that the more love and sex they give away, the more they have: a loaves-and-fishes miracle in which greed and generosity go hand in hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in sexual abundance!

About You

Maybe you dream of maintaining several long-term sexual and intimate relationships. Maybe your dream is of a lot of friendships that may or may not include sex. Maybe the idea of genital sex holds no interest for you but you still want to form a warm, loving partnership ... or two or three. Maybe you want monogamy but a kind of monogamy that you and your partner have created according to your own desires and not the blueprint handed down by the greater culture. Maybe you want to be single, connecting where and how you want without changing your fundamental independence. Maybe you want to be part of a couple that occasionally shares a bed with a mutually desirable third party or that takes a planned night away from monogamy every now and then. Maybe you dream of three-way or four-way or orgiastic connections. Maybe you cherish solitude and want to find ways to get your needs met all by yourself with the occasional help of a friend or lover.

Or maybe you want to explore different paths, to try a few things to see how they feel, to see how many kinds of relating you can fit into your busy and interesting life.

All these possibilities and a hundred more are legitimate ways of being an ethical slut. As you read this book, you’ll find that some of our ideas will be good fits for the way you want to live and others will not. Take what you want and leave the rest. As long as you and the people you care about are consenting, growing, and taking good care of yourselves and the people around you, you’re doing ethical sluthood right, so don’t let someone else’s opinions—including ours—tell you otherwise.

About Us

Between us, we represent a fairly large slice of the pie that is sexual diversity.

Dossie is a therapist in private practice in San Francisco, specializing in alternative sexualities, nontraditional relationships, and therapy for trauma survivors. She has identified as queer for more than thirty years, informed by the women’s and the gay men’s communities and by her years of bisexuality before that. She committed to an open sexual lifestyle in 1969 when her daughter was a newborn and taught her first workshop on unlearning jealousy in 1973. She has spent about half of her adult life living single, sort of, with families of housemates, lovers, and other intimates. She makes her home in the mountains north of San Francisco.

Many of you may remember Janet from the first edition of this book as Catherine A. Liszt, a pen name she used back when her sons were still minors. Now that they’re grown and independent, she has gone back to using her real name. Janet lived as a teenaged slut in college but then essayed traditional monogamy in a heterosexual marriage for more than a decade. Since the end of that marriage, she has not considered monogamy an option for her. While most people would call her bisexual, she thinks of herself as gender-bent and can’t quite figure out how sexual orientation is supposed to work when you’re sometimes male and sometimes female. She’s married to a bio-guy whose gender is as flexible as hers, which is less complicated than it sounds. She makes her living as a writer, publisher, and teacher, and lives in Eugene, Oregon.

Together, we have been lovers, dear friends, coauthors, and coconspirators for a quarter century, in and out of various other relationships, homes, and projects. We are both parents of grown children, both active in the BDSM/leather/kink communities, and both creative writers. We think we’re a great example of what can happen if you don’t try to force all your relationships into the monogamous ’til-death-do-us-part model.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0399579664
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Ten Speed Press; Revised edition (August 15, 2017)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780399579660
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0399579660
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 14.6 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.95 x 0.93 x 8.92 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #3,052 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #5 in Sex & Sexuality
- #6 in Sociology of Marriage & Family (Books)
- #32 in Love & Romance (Books)

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4.7 5,442 ratings

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Dossie Easton

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Dorothy "Dossie" Easton (born February 26, 1944) is an author and family therapist based in San Francisco, California.

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Richard J. Meltz

Wonderful "classic" about Polyamory

Reviewed in the United States on December 23, 2023

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This book is now a classic in the field of literature about Polyamory. It's witty, fun to read, and will definitely expand your mind if you are bound by the narrow idea that monogamy is the one and only correct way to do relationships.

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Marcin Gorski

Excellent for Polyamory Exploration

Reviewed in the United States on June 5, 2023

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"The Ethical Slut, Third Edition" is a groundbreaking book that has become a classic resource for individuals interested in exploring polyamory, open relationships, and alternative approaches to sex and love. Written by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, this comprehensive guide offers practical advice, personal anecdotes, and thought-provoking insights that empower readers to create fulfilling, consensual, and ethical relationships.

Chapter Overview:

Redefining Sluttery: The book challenges societal norms and prejudices associated with promiscuity and "slut-shaming," providing a fresh perspective that reframes sexuality as a positive and healthy aspect of human nature.

Honesty and Communication: The authors stress the importance of honest and open communication as the foundation for ethical non-monogamous relationships. They offer practical tools and strategies for effective communication, negotiation, and establishing boundaries.

Jealousy and Compersion: Jealousy is a common emotion in non-monogamous relationships. This chapter explores the complexities of jealousy and provides techniques for managing and transforming it into compersion—the joy experienced when witnessing a partner's happiness with someone else.

Safer Sex: Safety is paramount in any sexual relationship. This chapter discusses the importance of practicing safer sex, negotiating boundaries, and developing strategies to protect oneself and one's partners from sexually transmitted infections.

Negotiating Non-Monogamy: Hardy and Easton delve into the intricacies of negotiating non-monogamous relationships, including establishing relationship structures, exploring different styles of polyamory, and navigating power dynamics within partnerships.

Gender, Orientation, and Identity: The authors explore the intersections of gender, sexual orientation, and identity within non-monogamous relationships. They offer guidance on embracing diverse expressions of sexuality and fostering inclusivity in open relationships.

Exploring Kink and BDSM: This chapter addresses the integration of kink and BDSM practices within polyamory and open relationships. It explores the importance of consent, negotiation, and establishing boundaries when engaging in alternative sexual dynamics.

Relationship Anarchy and Beyond: The concept of relationship anarchy challenges conventional relationship hierarchies and explores the possibilities of non-traditional, non-hierarchical connections. The authors provide insights and tools for those interested in exploring relationship anarchy.

Parenting and Family: The book addresses the unique challenges and opportunities for individuals who are polyamorous parents or considering parenthood within a non-monogamous framework. It offers guidance on navigating societal norms, co-parenting, and fostering a supportive family environment.

Community and Support: The authors emphasize the importance of building a supportive community of like-minded individuals. They provide guidance on finding local and online resources, attending events, and creating chosen families within the polyamorous and open relationship communities.

Key Strengths:

Thought-Provoking and Inclusive: "The Ethical Slut" challenges societal norms surrounding sex, love, and relationships while embracing a wide range of identities, orientations, and lifestyles. The book promotes inclusivity, encouraging readers to explore and celebrate their unique desires.

Practical Advice and Tools: The authors offer practical advice, techniques, and exercises throughout the book, empowering readers to apply the concepts to their own lives. The inclusion of real-life examples and personal anecdotes enhances the book's relatability and usefulness.

Sex-Positive Approach: The book takes a sex-positive stance, promoting consensual and pleasurable sexual experiences while emphasizing the importance of open communication, boundaries, and safety.

Cultural Relevance: The third edition of "The Ethical Slut" incorporates updated information, reflecting the evolving landscape of polyamory, open relationships, and alternative sexual practices. It addresses contemporary challenges and considerations, making it relevant to today's readers.

Empowering and Supportive Tone: The authors approach the subject matter with empathy and compassion, providing reassurance and encouragement to readers as they navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships. The book fosters self-acceptance, self-growth, and personal empowerment.

Conclusion:
"The Ethical Slut, Third Edition" is a comprehensive and invaluable resource for anyone interested in exploring polyamory, open relationships, or alternative approaches to sex and love. With its practical advice, thought-provoking insights, and inclusive perspective, the book empowers readers to embrace their desires, communicate openly, and build consensual and ethical relationships. Whether you're new to non-monogamy or seeking to deepen your understanding, this book serves as a guide to navigate the complexities and possibilities of polyamory and open relationships.

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TB

Great book to encourage intimacy with the people around you

Reviewed in the United States on June 16, 2021

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I'm only about a quarter the way through this book but I must say it is a great book. It definitely helps open up a person's mind to the fact that everyone in the world has experienced deep intimacy with people that they would not consider their mate before. It also points out that human behavior is more varied and complex than we normally think of when it comes to relationships.

This book focuses on the idea that sex is not just the act of sex but is the intermingling of two or more people in a way that current society discourages.

I can see why some people may dislike this book. The author uses the words and concepts of sex as a way to demonstrate the connection between people that should be explored. I feel like the author does this to desensitize the reader to allow the reader to openly explore the idea of connecting to people on different levels.

If the concept of sex doesn't offend you beyond reason this book offers a lot of good advice when it comes to overcoming the shame that may come from close relationships.

If sex is an uncomfortable for you then I would suggest while reading, in your mind, change all the occurances of the word sex to intimacy and you will see the value in this book. It even says in the beginning of the book that the word sex in this book is to describe the physical and emotional interpersonal relationships between people.

All in all I think this book is a great guide to help a person open up and become closer to those around them and I hope the negative connotation to the terms polyamorous or sex won't stop a person from seeing the true value of the studies done by the doctors who wrote this book and the Kinsey Institute.

I hope to learn more about the psychology and relationship studies viewed through actual observation studies and not the bias lens of our current christian based system.

26 people found this helpful

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Richard Corey

Superb content - detailed, practical and real. USEFUL! Could be a college textbook, but readable.

Reviewed in the United States on May 22, 2018

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Very informative and useful. The authors really know whereof they speak! They've been there and learned from experience. Personal and practical, this book is from the heart. The style is very clear, simple and understandable, not academic, literary or "shrink-speak".

Amazingly they DEFINE EVERY unusual term they use, and they point out when popular usage has been changing recently, and when some people use the term differently. Few authors manage that. It's very readable, even by anyone new and clueless like me, so it's a perfect introduction. But its CONTENT is so detailed and comprehensive that it would be a great college-level textbook, if any college gave courses in how to achieve and maintain marital and deep-relationship bliss.

I recommend it unreservedly for anyone interested in keeping a monogamous or other serious relationship happy and healthy, WHETHER OR NOT either of you are also attracted to others. (And I usually want to ARGUE with authors.) When I've discussed ideas from this book that "I wish were not so", experienced poly people just nod or shrug and say "Yeah, it IS like that.")

It's even readable by old, inhibited sticks-in-the-mud like me! You have to decide whether you could give it to your mother to explain "This lifestyle is not like you think it is!" but the only way the book could be made more accessible to squares would be to sissify some of the language. And I think they made a good choice to call a spade a spade.

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Adina Ross

If you’re curious about the lifestyle this the book for you.

Reviewed in Canada on April 1, 2024

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I needed to learn more about this lifestyle because I have a friend who prefers this lifestyle. She lives with her partners and I felt it was too invasive to ask too many questions so I turned to this book to better learn her situation and psychology behind that choice. Good read. Very informative.

Fernnan

Un libro que todos deberíamos de leer

Reviewed in Mexico on September 22, 2023

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Un libro que abre nuestra mente a la idea de otro tipo de relaciones o vínculos.

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Natan

Essencial para qualquer pessoa considerando não-monogamia

Reviewed in Brazil on January 9, 2023

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Não é um livro perfeito, mas tem me ajudado muito. Meu capítulo preferido até agora foi o sobre ciúmes.

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Misters M&M

A Classic

Reviewed in Germany on April 30, 2024

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A classic and is a must read for monogamous and non-monogamous folks alike!

Carolina Cordero

Super insightful 💖

Reviewed in Spain on February 27, 2023

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Great read- offers a fantastic insight into polyamory and non-monogamy and regardless of one’s relationship style or preferences, it provides tools for better communication.

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