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A Matter of Death and Life Hardcover – March 2, 2021

by Irvin D. Yalom (Author), Marilyn Yalom (Author)

4.7 1,291 ratings

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A year-long journey by the renowned psychiatrist and his writer wife after her terminal diagnosis, as they reflect on how to love and live without regret.

Internationally acclaimed psychiatrist and author Irvin Yalom devoted his career to counseling those suffering from anxiety and grief. But never had he faced the need to counsel himself until his wife, esteemed feminist author Marilyn Yalom, was diagnosed with cancer. In A Matter of Death and Life, Marilyn and Irv share how they took on profound new struggles: Marilyn to die a good death, Irv to live on without her.

In alternating accounts of their last months together and Irv's first months alone, they offer us a rare window into facing mortality and coping with the loss of one's beloved. The Yaloms had numerous blessings―a loving family, a Palo Alto home under a magnificent valley oak, a large circle of friends, avid readers around the world, and a long, fulfilling marriage―but they faced death as we all do. With the wisdom of those who have thought deeply, and the familiar warmth of teenage sweethearts who've grown up together, they investigate universal questions of intimacy, love, and grief.

Informed by two lifetimes of experience, A Matter of Death and Life is an openhearted offering to anyone seeking support, solace, and a meaningful life.

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Popular Highlights in this book

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Ultimately, I have come to the understanding that one stays alive not only for oneself, but also for others.
Highlighted by 161 Kindle readers
Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind.
Highlighted by 147 Kindle readers
He commented that much of anxiety stems back to the fear of oblivion and that “anxiety about nothing tries to become anxiety about something.” In other words, anxiety about nothingness quickly attaches itself to a tangible, concrete object.
Highlighted by 129 Kindle readers

Editorial Reviews

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"For over half a century, the eminent psychiatrist Irvin Yalom has dazzled the world with his stories of the human psyche packed with wisdom, insight, and humor. Now, with stunning candor and courage, he shares with us the most difficult experience of his life: the loss of his wife and steadfast companion since adolescence. Partners to the end, including in the co-writing of this book, they share an indelible portrait of bereavement―the terror, pain, denial, and reluctant acceptance. But what we are left with is much more than a profound story of enduring loss―it's an unforgettable and achingly beautiful story of enduring love. I will be thinking about this for years to come." ―Lori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

"This beautiful, poignant, and uplifting memoir is a love story, a tale of two incredibly accomplished lives that were lived almost as one, the sum turning out to be so much greater than its parts. It will inspire you and perhaps move you to look differently at your life―it did that for me."―Abraham Verghese, author of Cutting for Stone

"The Yaloms are not just honest, but astonishingly generous with their readers. This book takes its immediate place in the canon of great end-of-life memoirs."―Caitlin Doughty, founder of The Order of the Good Death

"A Matter of Death and Life is both a sweet reminiscence and a path to discovery. Two eminent professors, authors, and lifelong partners grapple with aging, fragility, and death. In the process of honestly meeting the precariousness of life, they come to a deeper appreciation of its preciousness."―Frank Ostaseski, author of The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully

"A Matter of Death and Life is so much more than a book. It is an indefatigable love story. It is a text that traverses past and present. It is exquisite, candid, and vulnerable―absent the too-common defenses of artifice and pomposity―as it approaches the untenable pain of separation and unyielding yearning of loss. Every person would benefit from multiple readings of this intelligently relatable book, both to confront dying as we inch toward our own mortality and, perhaps more importantly, the grief when one so beloved precedes us in death. I am deeply enriched for having absorbed this intimate narrative, as I wipe the tears from my eyes. Irv and Marilyn's love story, ending in the tragedy of endings, is yours, mine, and all of ours."―Dr. Joanne Cacciatore, author of Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief

"This is a remarkable book―as remarkable as its authors, Irv Yalom, the master existential therapist and widely read author, and Marilyn Yalom, an accomplished scholar and writer. Summoning immense courage, the Yaloms co-write the story of their emotional and moral caregiving for each other. A Matter of Death and Life is the culmination of the Yaloms' career-long quests for wisdom in the art of living and dying. It is a book that transforms the reader―I couldn't put it down."―Arthur Kleinman, author of The Soul of Care: The Moral Education of a Husband and Doctor

"This book is illuminating and vivid, a beautiful examination of the consolation of a life well-lived, and a beacon of hope to all of us who will be bereaved. And of course, it is an exposition of how we who are mortal learn to live with that very truth about ourselves."―Kathryn Mannix, Sunday Times bestselling author of With the End in Mind: Dying, Death and Wisdom in an Age of Denial

"The book has countless pieces of wisdom for anyone confronting death....The Yaloms' distinct voices are complements to each other and gifts to readers. A profound love story with lessons for how to live as well as how to die."―Kirkus Reviews (starred review)

"The memoir is clearly the ending to a big love story... The Yaloms are still very much in love, and that is both bizarre and dull, alienating and encouraging to read about. But what interests me is not how to stay with the same person for seven decades... but, again, that starry uncertainty, silver and hot: How do we choose to die?"―Audrey Wollen, The New York Review of Books

"A Matter of Death and Life is wise, beautiful, heartbreaking, raw―a paean to enduring love and what it means." ―The Times

About the Author

Irvin D. Yalom, emeritus professor of psychiatry at Stanford University, is the author of internationally bestselling books, including Love's Executioner, The Gift of Therapy, Becoming Myself, and When Nietzsche Wept. Marilyn Yalom's books include classics of cultural history such as A History of the Wife, Birth of the Chess Queen, and How the French Invented Love, as well as her final book released posthumously, Innocent Witnesses: Childhood Memories of World War II. They were married for sixty-five years.

Product details

Publisher ‏ : ‎ Redwood Press; 1st edition (March 2, 2021)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 240 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1503613763
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1503613768
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 3.53 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.8 x 1.1 x 8.7 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #130,293 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #469 in Love & Loss
- #692 in Death & Grief (Books)
- #1,456 in Women's Biographies

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4.7 1,291 ratings

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Irvin D. Yalom

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Professor of Psychiatry at Stanford University. Author of nonfiction psychiatry texts, novels, and books of stories. Currently in private practice of psychiatry in Palo Alto and San Francisco, California.

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Cassandra M. Norcross

Hits your heart. A must read

Reviewed in the United States on October 3, 2023

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This is a powerful and poignant book. I must read for anybody. Dr. Yalom and his late life hold nothing back. This was a book I could not put down. I have read twice since.

Reviewed in the United States on March 14, 2024

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Book arrived quickly and was in good condition - thank you!

One person found this helpful

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Allyoop

I'm sad to be done

Reviewed in the United States on January 27, 2022

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Irv Yalom is a superstar in the therapy world. I love all of his books I've read.... But this book....

Irv shares his experience in a most intimate way, drawing you into his kaleidoscope of emotions as he loses his wife, best friend, life witness, keeper of memories.

He is humble, open, and utterly relatable. Wonderful book. Thank you for writing it.

3 people found this helpful

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Iris Wallace

Insightful

Reviewed in the United States on January 16, 2022

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This book was recommended to me by my sister. One could only hope for a life that well lived. The strength it took on both sides to keep holding on. I would not choose all the treatment for myself but respect to Marilyn and Irvin. I would recommend this book to all people who are curious and thoughtful about death and dying.

One person found this helpful

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Don Ubilla

Got more than I expected

Reviewed in the United States on April 5, 2021

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I'm not sure how I ended up reading this book, having never heard of either author, but it was so touching to me. Having considerable death anxiety myself and no religion to call on it soothed me to hear my same fears vocalized. In the month since I read this book I went on to read two more by Irv Yalom and only regret I didn't have these resources before now.

There is a kurt vonnegut quote that says "Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone." For me, even though I'm 30 and hopefully not soon facing death, that's exactly the message I got from this book.

14 people found this helpful

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Peggy A. Lauria, Psy.D.

This book was a treasure.

Reviewed in the United States on March 13, 2021

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This book was a treasure. I am so glad that Marilyn “insisted” that they co-author it for so many reasons. First, it was a meaningful project to work on together and perhaps a needed distraction at times, as well as a thought-provoking gift to their readers. Dr. Yalom’s grief brought to mind a favorite quote from the movie, “Shadowlands” (with Anthony Hopkins & Debra Winger about C.S. Lewis). “The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.”
Their shared love and accomplishments of over 65 years, both together and individually, exposed an exemplary marriage, a time of everyday sharing and giving. My challenge after reading this book is dealing with the uncertainty of death, always an existential theme. Aware of the possibilities, I’ve always defaulted to a glorious afterlife surrounded by family and friends who have gone before (perhaps remnants of my early years in Catholic school), or maybe just “magical thinking”. One of my dear mentors, who told me he was an atheist, but was also a Psychologist & Ordained Minister, explained it as “covering all his bases”!
Once again, thank you, Irv, for sharing your experience of such a loving and painful time and two lives well lived. You will live on in everyone you touched. Peace.

24 people found this helpful

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one tree plain

Deep and human

Reviewed in the United States on May 31, 2021

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A deeply touching read - honest, raw, emotional and realistic. I could not stop listening to every sentence written. Humble caring and courageous writer couple who share their love and life with the reader in a most powerful way. Thank you - a true gift

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M. Braun

particularly relevant if you are bereaved

Reviewed in the United States on June 12, 2022

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I am recently bereaved and am also old so this book spoke to me in many ways. Yalom’s willingness to be deeply honest is crucial and brave. He and I differ in our beliefs about afterlife as I think consciousness continues but otherwise there are many helpful awarenesses.

5 people found this helpful

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Kristin Hogk

An ode to life and a farewell full of grace

Reviewed in Germany on July 25, 2023

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“How much are we willing to bear to stay alive?” While Dr Yalom’s lifework consisted in helping and convincing his patients of life’s worth, of life being worth struggling for, he himself here comes to a point where he’s having a hard time taking on this lecture. He has to say goodbye to the love of his life, has to watch her suffering through their last months together and, finally, he has to manage to go on without her.

Marilyn and Irvin D Yalom have written a very intimate and intense book about leaving this world and ending one’s life. Therefore, this book is full of emotions, but also of doubts, fears and thoughts, that came very precious to me. It deals with the fear of death, most of us have, and tries to give comfort by having a very close look at this matter – something we generally rather try to avoid as long as we can. “What terrifies most about death is not the loss of the future but the loss of the past”, Irv quotes the writer Milos Kundera. A very interesting approach, I find. Another thought I found truly comforting: “Where death is, I am not. Why fear something we can never perceive?” (p 68) After all, “[…] one’s state of nothingness after death is identical to the state of nothingness that one was in before birth” (p 69), and nobody mourns that state of darkness before our birth.

Although it’s Marilyn who suffers a fatal illness including all the pain and the knowledge about its ending in death, it’s also her that brings the most comfort into this book. Being a very intelligent woman that achieved everything in life, she finds the strength to feel gratitude and in peace with her fate. She can appreciate to have lived a regret-free life and that “there is a time for every season… A time to be born and a time to die.” (p 49) She also wisely states that “one stays alive not only for oneself, but also for others” (p 14), and so she does for almost a year. But the end comes and leaves her beloved husband desperately struggling through a life without her. Having professionally assisted so many surviving dependents in his life only helps him modestly. Just as Mascha Kaléko appropriately formulated in her poem MEMENTO:
“Just think: one’s own death one just has to die; But with the deaths of others one must live.”

And still, despite all the heaviness and sadness in this lecture, again and again there’s a brightening thought, such as “I, and only I, have to take full responsibility for determining reality.” (p 182) In the end, life is cherished as “a miniscule crack of light between two eternities of darkness.” (122) A festival of lights – if we want to.

One person found this helpful

Le vieux Montois

Remarquable et puissant

Reviewed in France on July 2, 2021

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Livre impressionnant de lucidité, écrit à deux mains et qui raconte la chronique d'une mort annoncée et d'un suicide assisté. Cela vaut surtout pour le courage de Mme Yalom. Son époux, très célèbe psychiatre expose ses fragilités et le deuil terrible qu'il traverse. Un livre choc qui peut donner beaucoup à réflechir sur la fin de vie et ses évolutions possible dans la société. Je ne doute pas qu'une traduction française sorte très prochainement.

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Micko

A true treasure

Reviewed in the United Kingdom on April 8, 2021

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I’ve been a long time fan of Irvin. Over 20 years ago, I read Loves Executioner. I have read pretty much all of his books since. I feel like I have got to “know” him somewhat. I feel, through his writing, he has guided me to a really significant degree in my development as a therapist. I must also acknowledge my incredible supervisor, Paddy also.

This book is really touching, full of humanity. I have been deeply saddened reading it. I must say I am not finished yet and feel reluctant in some ways to hear of Marilyn’s passing. To read Irvin recognising it was time to retire was so very poignant. Pg 98 was wonderful to read as it illuminated so much of Irvin’s grace and kindness as a therapist. I am reminded of his autobiography when he talks about engaging with one of his first clients from a relational frame or reference and had to present his summary to the psychoanalytic society. honest and kind.....another wonderful read

This book is a gift, a true treasure.

4 people found this helpful

dr Anneke Vinke (NL)

Ontroerend

Reviewed in the Netherlands on March 8, 2021

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Meesterverteller en Meester therapeut Irv Yalom neemt de lezer mee in zijn eigen proces van afscheid van zijn geliefde vrouw Marilyn Yalom. Marilyn - eveneens begenadigd verteller laat ons zien hoe zij stap voor stap het leven loslaat. Afwisselend schrijven ze een hoofdstuk, tot zij sterft en hij het boek afmaakt. Openhartig. Eerlijk. Wijs. Een ontroerend mooi boek.

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Anita Gleeson

Exeptional and Extrodinary

Reviewed in Australia on April 14, 2022

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A very real and honest look at life and death. Dr. Irving Yalom bares his soul and speaks without any pretentiousness, power or control. Fascinating to hear a legends true state of mind. Thank you Dr. Yalom for opening my heart and soul to this difficult and mysterious phenomenon called life and death.

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