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High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out Hardcover – April 6, 2021
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That’s what “high conflict” does. It’s the invisible hand of our time. And it’s different from the useful friction of healthy conflict. That’s good conflict, and it’s a necessary force that pushes us to be better people.
High conflict, by contrast, is what happens when discord distills into a good-versus-evil kind of feud, the kind with an us and a them. In this state, the normal rules of engagement no longer apply. The brain behaves differently. We feel increasingly certain of our own superiority and, at the same time, more and more mystified by the other side.
New York Times bestselling author and award-winning journalist Amanda Ripley investigates how good people get captured by high conflict—and how they break free.
Our journey begins in California, where a world-renowned conflict expert struggles to extract himself from a political feud. Then we meet a Chicago gang leader who dedicates his life to a vendetta—only to find himself working beside the man who killed his childhood idol. Next, we travel to Colombia, to find out whether thousands of people can be nudged out of high conflict at scale. Finally, we return to America to see what happens when a group of liberal Manhattan Jews and conservative Michigan corrections officers choose to stay in each other’s homes in order to understand one another better.
All these people, in dramatically different situations, were drawn into high conflict by similar forces, including conflict entrepreneurs, humiliation, and false binaries. But ultimately, all of them found ways to transform high conflict into something good, something that made them better people. They rehumanized and recategorized their opponents, and they revived curiosity and wonder, even as they continued to fight for what they knew was right.
People do escape high conflict. Individuals—even entire communities—can short-circuit the feedback loops of outrage and blame, if they want to. This is a mind-opening new way to think about conflict that will transform how we move through the world.
- Print length368 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherSimon & Schuster
- Publication dateApril 6, 2021
- Dimensions6 x 1.2 x 9 inches
- ISBN-101982128569
- ISBN-13978-1982128562
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From the Publisher
Editorial Reviews
Review
"Amanda Ripley has combined skilled reporting, deep research, and riveting storytelling into a stellar work about an urgent topic. At a moment when too many Americans are at each other’s throats, this is the book our country needs." – Daniel H. Pink, author of When, Drive, and To Sell is Human
"Rarely have I read a book as downright clairvoyant as High Conflict. While most of us were raging at the rage in our culture, Amanda Ripley composed a lucid, compulsively readable roadmap to a world in which we can live with one another again. Honestly, I’ll never argue the same way again." – Evan Osnos, National Book Award winning author of Joe Biden
“Ripley brilliantly illuminates the forces driving us to build impenetrable walls between ourselves and differing others, as well as the forces empowering us to build bridges over those walls. The lessons couldn’t be more captivating or timely.” — Robert Cialdini, author of Influence and Pre-Suasion
“This is one of the most important books that will be published in 2021. The COVID vaccine will soon free humanity from a biological pandemic, and this book, if widely read, could free humanity from an equally deadly scourge— high conflict.” – Jonathan Haidt, Thomas Cooley Professor of Ethical Leadership, NYU-Stern School of Business, author of The Righteous Mind, co-author of The Coddling of the American Mind
“The unforgettable stories in this book show how even people who disagree profoundly can still connect with one another and make progress. A book to give you confidence in the future.” – Omar Epps
“A brilliant book that reveals how poisonous showdowns work. But more than just highlighting the problems, Ripley's book also provides solutions. Equally valuable in our personal lives, as in navigating the polarized time we’re living in.” – Jonah Berger, New York Times bestselling author of The Catalyst and Contagious
"Amanda Ripley shows that the same minds that get us into bitter tribal battles can get us out of them. Via riveting stories in diverse settings—urban gangland, a war-torn central American nation, fractious municipal politics—Ripley proves that happy endings can happen in real life." – Robert Wright, New York Times bestselling author of Why Buddhism is True
"The fascinating stories, global history, and dialogue from local politics Ripley includes keep the book moving at a brisk pace... Readers interested in conflict management and negotiation and the decision-making process will be intrigued as Ripley thoughtfully explains the intensities and nuances of conflict, and the crux of high conflict in any setting." — Booklist
"A revealing study of 'high conflict,' the intractable sort that seems to be running like a virus through American society... Ripley’s observations are provocative, and she introduces us to ideas of mediation and problem-solving that would make many people less miserable if put into practice... Students of mediation, social psychology, and conflict resolution will find much of value here."— Kirkus Reviews
"Illuminating. Amanda takes us around the world to understand how people learn to stop demonizing the other side and start agreeing to disagree productively. I think it should be required reading for everyone in politics and the media—and for anyone who’s had a squabble with a colleague or a blowup at a family gathering." — Adam Grant (LinkedIn)
About the Author
Product details
- Publisher : Simon & Schuster; First Edition (April 6, 2021)
- Language : English
- Hardcover : 368 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1982128569
- ISBN-13 : 978-1982128562
- Item Weight : 1.26 pounds
- Dimensions : 6 x 1.2 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #496,470 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #881 in Conflict Management
- #1,384 in Popular Social Psychology & Interactions
- #1,924 in Interpersonal Relations (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
About the author
Amanda Ripley is a New York Times bestselling author and an investigative journalist for the Atlantic, Politico, the Washington Post and other outlets. Her books include HIGH CONFLICT: Why We Get Trapped & How We Get Out; THE SMARTEST KIDS IN THE WORLD--and How They Got That Way; and THE UNTHINKABLE: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes--and Why. Her work has helped Time win two National Magazine Awards. She writes about human behavior and change.
Customer reviews
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book informative and useful for learning about high-conflict issues. They appreciate the engaging stories that provide insights into personal conflicts. The book is described as brilliant, meaningful, and a worthwhile read. Readers praise the thoughtful writing in simple and engaging language.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book informative and helpful. They appreciate the clear explanations and useful summaries of the main points in the appendix. The subject is interesting and conveyed through interesting real-life examples. Readers find the advice, practical information, and well-researched content helpful.
"...Conflict: This is typically healthy conflict that looks at issues from various perspectives, while recognizing the different perspectives and..." Read more
"...at the end, designed to help you navigate a path forward, are incredibly useful...." Read more
"...BUT the stories flesh out the ideas in clear and important ways...." Read more
"...A sanity saver that helps break the cycle." Read more
Customers find the book provides insightful stories and practical tools for dealing with conflict. It blends real-life experiences with actual data and descriptions of real situations. Readers appreciate the thought-provoking insights and relatable examples. The book offers valuable advice and wisdom for navigating challenging situations.
"...Good Conflict: This is typically healthy conflict that looks at issues from various perspectives, while recognizing the different..." Read more
"...Amanda is an amazing writer who takes you on an emotional journey and along the way educates you in the process...." Read more
"The best thing about Ripley's book is the writing. She is a consummate storyteller, sketching out characters (real people) who fall into "high..." Read more
"...The book gives many examples of high conflict and explains how they came to be; the Hatfield’s and the McCoy, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, our..." Read more
Customers find the book engaging and meaningful for understanding today's conflicts. They describe it as a worthwhile read that retains their interest. Readers appreciate the thoughtful narrative.
"...A second reason is this book has great, insightful case studies interwoven within the book that makes for a great reading experience...." Read more
"...Ripley did that in this superb book." Read more
"...This is a great book that provides fresh insight on the factors underlying high conflict...." Read more
"It is a well written book and well worth the read. I highlighted a few key points and learned a bit from it..." Read more
Customers find the book well-researched and well-written. They appreciate the simple language and engaging stories that hold their attention. The thoughts are organized and enlightening, with vivid details that keep them engaged. Overall, readers find the book interesting and informative.
"...while recognizing the different perspectives and figuring out a creative way forward. “It’s a force that pushes us to be better people.”..." Read more
"...Amanda is an amazing writer who takes you on an emotional journey and along the way educates you in the process...." Read more
"...Ripley generally keeps the story rolling with quick vignettes and vivid details that held my attention...." Read more
"...The major strengths of the book are its engaging stories, a good description of how “high conflict” situations occur, and steps that individuals can..." Read more
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Compelling lay out of the world we find and how to save ourselves.
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on May 8, 2024I love this book! The key reason is that for the past 40-plus years I have been a student, teacher, author, and mediator or manager of conflict in Christian organizations. So much in this book affirms the approach and system I use. In places it goes beyond and provides new learnings.
A second reason is this book has great, insightful case studies interwoven within the book that makes for a great reading experience. It addresses various geographic, cultural, and organizational settings, and the involvement of a diverse set of people in good conflict and high conflict.
A third is that a foundational case study in the book is an attorney who developed a mediation system for clients in conflict. Often marital conflict when he served as the third-party mediator. But when he got involved in second-party conflict as a primary participant, he could not follow his own advice.
I have experienced that. It is humbling to admit I can handle your conflict, but I have a tougher time handling my own. However, the gap between the two has lessened over the years, and I am grateful.
It is one thing which allowed me to stay engaged with my Christian denomination of heritage as it went through decades of high conflict and is still experiencing it now.
Fourth, I love the references to the historic conflict between the second and third presidents of the USA—John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. The only two signers of the Declaration of Independence who became president of the USA.
I have read and enjoyed immensely biographies and early USA histories that have highlighted their conflict which followed them into retirement from government service—lasting at least two decades.
In their final decade of life, a mutual friend got them started in a reconciling correspondence with one another where they were able to resolve many of their differences with a long view of the birth years of our country.
An irony of their mutual respect that rekindled and grew is that both of them died on July 4, 1826 on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
Finally, it suggests one of my favorite techniques which is often helpful when people decide they want to have their conflict managed by a third party. “Give people more than two choices. It doesn’t fix everything, but it reduces the power of the binary. Complexity doesn’t collapse into us and them quite so easily.” (95)High Conflict vs.
Good Conflict? Or Unhealthy Conflict vs. Healthy Conflict
High Conflict: This is “the mysterious force that incites people to lose their minds in ideological disputes, political feuds, or gang vendettas. The force that causes us to lie awake at night obsessed by a conflict with a coworker or a sibling or a politician we’ve never met.” (3)
High conflict splits families, organizations, countries—and in my case churches and denominations. It often involves attorneys, courts, law enforcement, and violence. At the time of this writing, we are experiencing it on college and university campuses throughout the USA.
Normal rules of engagement do not apply in high conflict. Few people even understand the rules of engagement during high conflict and have the emotional and intellectual skills to handle it.
Third parties with appropriate authority must intervene in the right way at the right time in high conflict. Even so, many situations are so messy that a positive outcome is not guaranteed.
“When conflict escalates past a certain point, the conflict itself takes charge. The original facts and focuses that led to the dispute fade into the background. The us-versus-them dynamic takes over. Actual differences of opinion on health care policy or immigration stop mattering, and the conflict becomes its own reality.” (8)
“Wishing your opponent will finally see the light is a fool’s errand. It will only lead to heartbreak. Counting up the other side’s wrongs is a hobby that can last a lifetime. Obsessing over the next election is a delay tactic. Telling people to reject hate and choose love will not work. Because people swept up in high conflict do not think of themselves as full of hate, even if they are. They think of themselves as right.” (19)
Good Conflict: This is typically healthy conflict that looks at issues from various perspectives, while recognizing the different perspectives and figuring out a creative way forward. “It’s a force that pushes us to be better people.” (3) It also helps families, organizations, countries—and in my case churches and denominations to have a better future.
Rules of engagement that can be learned by people involved in good conflict will typically work. A third-party to help with the process will enhance the opportunity for these situations to move forward with relative ease, and new learning for how to deal with diversity of viewpoints.
“In healthy conflict, there is movement. Questions get asked. Curiosity exists. There can be yelling too. But healthy conflict leads somewhere. It feels more interesting to get to the other side than to stay in it. In high conflict, the conflict is the destination. There’s nowhere else to go.” (26)
In Closing
Numerous great techniques are presented in the book. Wonderful and insightful—even dramatic case studies are presented. All of which make me very grateful for this book.
- Reviewed in the United States on April 7, 2023Like many, I've become increasingly concerned about the growing polarization in America and all around the world. It's easy to feel helpless watching the world around you fall apart. But this book is a game changer - it's one of those books EVERYONE should read both to understand the problem; but more important to start to navigate a way out. Amanda is an amazing writer who takes you on an emotional journey and along the way educates you in the process. This is what makes her work so unique. The book is an easy read - but it leaves you reflecting at every turn. And the summaries at the end, designed to help you navigate a path forward, are incredibly useful. You're going to LOVE this book - and it'll help make you a better person.
- Reviewed in the United States on July 26, 2022This fascinating book clarifies some of the problems with conflict that we often face, and get trapped in, in personal and political spheres. As the writer is a journalist, the strength of the book is in its storytelling. Ripley, partly inspired by family drama she witnessed growing up, has spent her career reporting on serious conflicts around the world, so she has learned how to probe her subjects and readily make insightful connections based on her observations. Across a range of examples, Ripley makes a convincing case that while conflict is necessary and good, we should be on guard for the signs of "high conflict" where each side digs into its position. It is especially difficult, her examples strongly suggest, to see when we, ourselves, are dug into an unreasonable position, especially when the other side is too. It is very hard to find the humility and confidence to be the first to blink.
Some aspects of the book are underdeveloped, while at other points I felt Ripley was too ready to accept her subjects' narratives at face value. I don't understand why she chose to begin the book with the story of Mark Lynas, an environmentalist who "converted" from being a violent anti-GMO activist to a vociferous promoter of GMOs. Lynas doesn't seem to have stepped back from high conflict, but rather to have switched sides, which is not necessarily the same thing. Perhaps his story would have been better cast as an example of a natural-born “conflict entrepreneur" who, while changing his mind, also finds a way to channel his outspokenness less destructively.
I was also surprised that the book's only example of an alternative to adversarial politics was the leadership selection and deliberation practices of B'nai B'rith, a Jewish charitable organization. While its methods are interesting, ultimately it is a self-selected group of co-religionists with no political authority. More relevant to politics, it seems to me, would be the practice of convening juries, including the jury trial system we are all familiar with, but also recent experiments with citizen juries chosen randomly to deliberate public policy. These deserve wider coverage, and I felt it was a missed opportunity for Ripley not to have included them.
Finally, the book (or perhaps a sequel) could grapple more with the specific problem of unequal power relationships and strong ideological commitments, which seem pervasive around the world and especially difficult to unwind. When your opponents in an ideological high conflict have overwhelming power, your decision to give up high conflict can look a lot like a craven abandonment of your own core beliefs. This issue could have been explored in the story of the FARC paramilitary who gave up her ambition to participate in the creation of a Marxist utopia so that she could move to Bogota and raise her child. Apart from granting immunity to FARC revolutionaries who voluntarily entered mainstream society, which, no doubt, was a bold act that demonstrated great humility, it is unclear whether the Colombian establishment had to make any changes at all to the social and economic structure that FARC members wanted to topple. The FARC members, on the other hand, had to admit that their dream was unachievable and join a society they felt was deeply immoral. For some people, that is too much to bear.
Top reviews from other countries
- Ronald E. PizzoReviewed in Canada on December 26, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars What an interesting read
I work with teams in conflict. This book put words to the things I do to help teams resolve conflict. For me, this was a moving read.
- S KReviewed in India on April 6, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Gives very good insights into conflicts
This book gives very good insights into good, low as well as high conflicts. It gives you ways to identify conflicts within you and around your community. And ways to get out of these conflicts and how to stay out of them.
This book will be useful to anyone who wants to improve themselves.
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Massimo BoldracchiReviewed in Italy on October 7, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Che scrive anche della Fede bahai. Fatto raro e molto apprezzabile
Tutto perfetto
- E. ColemanReviewed in the United Kingdom on June 1, 2021
5.0 out of 5 stars Peace on earth!!
This book is getting well reviewed in the USA...and is starting to here in the UK. I only knew about it as someone I respect in a zoom group I am part of was going to read it, and recommended we might too. So I am.
It takes you through true conflict stories, and how they are resolved. If you like the stories that is a bonus. It also talks a little about the Baha'i Faith which the author had not come across before...she talks about it as to her it seemed to offer an excellent way to consult and to elect governing bodies.
I am a Bahai...I totally agree with her....but I would I guess! Reading the stories in the book I find alot of the common place attitudes highlighted alien to me (I find myself thinking ...you can't do that!)....but in part this is because I have been a Bahai for over 30 years now. This morning I was in the last section of a zoom about our way of consulting....half those there were not Bahai's. Can I suggest anyone that would like to know more about this to phone up their local Bahais and ask if they know of anyone conducting Ruhi Book10 Unit 2 on Consultation. We welcome a broad range of beliefs at our gatherings...and as this one is about consultation...let's put it to the test!?
As a bonus I find the book dyslexia friendly...cream paper, black print.
- PlaceholderReviewed in India on November 17, 2022
5.0 out of 5 stars Need conflict
Conflict management is an art,to get the skill we need to involve into conflict.Before taking any action against any person we need understand the others feelings and listen their points that is the main concept of this writer best.It is easy to write non fiction and get close to the readers hearts but author succeeded in that aspect.