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Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples: Third Edition Paperback – January 22, 2019

4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 2,630 ratings

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New York Times bestseller with over 4 million copies sold, now fully revised with new insights and lasting wisdom for couples

"This soulful and practical handbook helped us build a foundational template for our marriage."
―Grammy award-winning singer and songwriter Alanis Morissette & rapper Souleye

"Take in these time-tested practical steps to love and enjoy the freedom and closeness you deserve." ―
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., Mindsight Institute and New York Times bestselling author

Getting the Love You Want has helped millions of people experience more satisfying relationships and is recommended every day by professional therapists and happy couples around the world. Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt explain how to revive romance and remove negativity from daily interactions, to help you:

· Discover why you chose your mate
· Resolve the power struggle that prevents greater intimacy
· Learn to listen - really listen - to your partner
· Increase fun and laughter in your relationship
· Begin healing early childhood experiences by stretching into new behaviors
· Become passionate friends with your partner
· Achieve a common vision of your dream relationship

Become the most connected couple you know with this revolutionary guide, combining behavioral science, depth psychology, social learning theory, Gestalt therapy, and interpersonal neuroscience to help you and your partner recapture joy, enhance closeness, and experience the reward of a deeply fulfilling relationship.
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Editorial Reviews

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"What a treasure this book is, full of the insight, wisdom, and empathy that enriches loving relationships, even those that may seem worn at the seams or beyond hope. Harville and Helen bring fresh ideas, kind hearts, and deep humanity to everything and everyone they encounter." ―Diane Ackerman, author of A Natural History of Love and other books

“This new edition of
Getting the Love You Want, after an amazing 4 million readers, Helen and Harville show how to create safety with an interactional structure that allows two lovers to turn escalating conflicts into a win-win dialogue that is enriched by partners’ differences. Readers will benefit from the new wisdom of these two pioneers in understanding relationships.” Julie Schwartz Gottman & John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work

"In this 30th anniversary edition of the their timeless classic,
Getting the Love you Want, Helen Hunt and Harville Hendrix have teamed up to provide couples with a time tested strategy to improve their relationships. By combining Imago Therapy with a new scientific understanding of how brain and behaviors change, Getting the Love You Want will help couples untangle the deep and confusing mysteries of love and connection and help them harvest the joy and healing power present in healthy, mutual, intimate relationships." Amy Banks, M.D., senior scholar at the Wellesley Centers for Women, Wellesley College and author of Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships

Getting the Love You Want is one of the most important relationship books of all time. It is a classic. Harville and Helen's insight that we are attracted to mates that are similar to our caregivers is one of the most important revelations in the field of relationship psychology. Millions have benefited from this book, and so will you.” ―Doug Abrams, coauthor of The Book of Joy, and Rachel Abrams M.D., author of BodyWise

Getting the Love You Want is an awesome book. Relationships are the key to life, and this book is a key to getting it right. This book has stood the test of time to be one of the best, and the updates are timely and relevant. We are total fans of Harville and Helen, and love this book.” ―Scott & Theresa Beck, cofounders of Gloo, LLC

“Where would we be without
Getting the Love You Want? This articulate, wisdom-drenched, and profoundly knowledgeable book has given us tangible relational support when we’ve needed it most. More than just advice, this soulful and practical handbook has helped us build a foundational template for our marriage. We are forever grateful to Helen and Harville for sharing what is certainly among the greatest contributions to relational healing and harmony. Now, more than ever, its pages offer guidance, vision, rituals, insights, and illumination for cultivating and maintaining a healthy and vibrant partnership.” ―Grammy Award-winning singer and songwriter Alanis Morissette & rapper Souleye

“This superb updated revision of
Getting the Love You Want will inspire you to create deeper, more loving connection. The exercises alone are powerful reminders of how to love more elegantly.” ―Ellyn Bader, Ph.D, founder of The Couples Institute and creator of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy

"Helen LaKelly Hunt and Harville Hendrix have done it again! Their powerful approach to bringing love alive in a couple's relationship through the creation of safety, trust, and connection enables us to let go of the common images of what we've longed for in our past to become fully present for our partner right now. Science affirms what these two pioneers in loving relationships have taught for decades: by taking practical steps to increase our self-understanding and cultivate clear communication, we can achieve the kind of intimacy and connection we've often longed for. By teaching us how to create safe conversations that open us to the true person in front of our eyes, we are literally able to get the love we want―and then some! Take in these time-tested practical steps to love and enjoy the freedom and closeness you deserve." ―
Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., Mindsight Institute, New York Times-bestselling author of Aware: The Science and Practice of Presence

"Harville and Helen have been a force in the world of relationships for decades, and their work has inspired so many. Imago theory and therapy help set a foundation for couples to know themselves, and each other, in ways that will serve them for a lifetime.” ―
Scott Kriens, cofounder of 1440 Multiversity

“If you were to read one book one book that would change the way you relate to the most important people in your life, this is that book. When published in 1988,
Getting the Love You Want was the first to stress the importance of loving partnership for emotional wellbeing. The messages in it are still most important for anyone, male or female, gay or straight, who want to be in a healthy, happy relationship.” ―Marion Solomon, PhD, coauthor of Love and War in Intimate Relationships: Connection, Disconnection, and Mutual Regulation in Couple Therapy

“Learn: how the imprints of the past unconsciously eclipse the present. Learn: how safety is fundamental to illuminating relationships. Learn: to practice conscious partnership to brighten your future together. The goal of living is enriching connection. There are no better relationship experts from which to learn than Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt.” ―
Jeffrey K. Zeig, Ph.D, the Milton H. Erickson Foundation

“The world has changed drastically since the first edition of
Getting the Love You Want thirty years ago, and so have many of the dynamics we see between partners. Fortunately, our knowledge about how to help couples improve their relationships has expanded alongside these changes. Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKellyHunt have kept pace with the times. Their new edition provides guidance for couples who are ‘doubly challenged’―both from childhood wounding and also from the cultural reward system in which they operate. At the same time, readers still receive all the many effective exercises from the last edition.” ―Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) and founder the PACT Institute

About the Author

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., is the author of Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, a New York Times bestseller that has sold more than two million copies. He has more than thirty years’ experience as an educator and therapist. He specializes in working with couples in private practice, teaching marital therapy to therapists, and conducting couples workshops across the country. Dr. Hendrix is the founder/director of the Imago Institute for Relationship Therapy. He lives in New Jersey and New Mexico.

Helen LaKelly Hunt, PhD., is co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy, a unique healing process for couples, prospective couples, and parents. She and her husband, Harville Hendrix, have more than thirty years’ experience as educators and therapists and their work has been translated into more than 50 languages, with Imago practiced by two thousand therapists worldwide. Helen and Harville have six children and live in New York and New Mexico.

They are the coauthors of
Getting the Love You Want.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ St. Martin's Griffin; Reprint,Updated edition (January 22, 2019)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 352 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1250310539
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1250310538
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.35 x 0.85 x 8.2 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 2,630 ratings

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4.6 out of 5 stars
2,630 global ratings

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Customers say

Customers find the book easy to read and well-written. They appreciate the insightful and thought-provoking content that helps change their mindset on relationships. Many consider it a must-read for couples.

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52 customers mention "Readability"47 positive5 negative

Customers find the book easy to read and well-written. They say it's a good book for couples to read together. The second half has good topics to share with a partner.

"...I appreciate the easy to follow scenarios and activities to go through with your partner so you both can connect on a deeper level than ever before." Read more

"I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It made me think of things that I hadn't considered previously having an impact on a relationship." Read more

"Excellent book. Definitely worth the read. Especially if you’re having issues in your relationship but even if everything is good...." Read more

"...It makes a lot of sense when you realize the things/behaviors your partner exhibits (that you thought were because they were cra-cra) are actually..." Read more

40 customers mention "Insight"40 positive0 negative

Customers find the book provides insightful and helpful information about relationships. They find it thought-provoking, eye-opening, and interesting. The book offers perspective on various couples' experiences and good topics to share with a partner.

"...A true masterpiece on opening up and solidifying a relationship!" Read more

"This book took a deep dive into some patterns I’ve come to realize in my own life...." Read more

"This book very enlightening. I highly recommend this for ALL long term couples and any couple who may be considering divorce or breaking up." Read more

"...Am I glad I read it? I think so?? It was thought-provoking, with the pretty significant grain of salt that there’s not much evidence to support..." Read more

Great Couples Book..a Real Masterpiece
5 out of 5 stars
Great Couples Book..a Real Masterpiece
This book is full of exercises for couples. I went through it alone and am a better person for it. I've recommended this book to so many people I can't count that are having trouble in relationships. A true masterpiece on opening up and solidifying a relationship!
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Top reviews from the United States

  • Reviewed in the United States on January 20, 2025
    This was such a good read. I found it very useful as a parent and spouse.
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2024
    This book is full of exercises for couples. I went through it alone and am a better person for it. I've recommended this book to so many people I can't count that are having trouble in relationships. A true masterpiece on opening up and solidifying a relationship!
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    5.0 out of 5 stars Great Couples Book..a Real Masterpiece
    Reviewed in the United States on December 1, 2024
    This book is full of exercises for couples. I went through it alone and am a better person for it. I've recommended this book to so many people I can't count that are having trouble in relationships. A true masterpiece on opening up and solidifying a relationship!
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    3 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on October 15, 2024
    This book took a deep dive into some patterns I’ve come to realize in my own life. I appreciate the easy to follow scenarios and activities to go through with your partner so you both can connect on a deeper level than ever before.
    One person found this helpful
    Report
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 23, 2024
    Came fast and in good shape
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 2, 2024
    I thoroughly enjoyed this book. It made me think of things that I hadn't considered previously having an impact on a relationship.
  • Reviewed in the United States on December 24, 2024
    My wife and I read this book together and it has been a game changer for our relationship. I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
  • Reviewed in the United States on November 2, 2024
    Excellent book. Definitely worth the read. Especially if you’re having issues in your relationship but even if everything is good. Read it with your partner and learn and grow together!
    2 people found this helpful
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  • Reviewed in the United States on November 18, 2021
    This one’s the 500-pound gorilla of the healthy-couple self-help genre, with thirty years in print, scores of Oprah appearances by the authors, thousands of therapists practicing the Imago framework.

    The main thing that I need to tell you about this updated edition, from the year 2019, is that it does not mention or acknowledge the existence of queer or same-sex couples even one time. In fact, it really doubles down on the husband and wife stuff, takes gender roles pretty seriously, which is not a thing I realized we did anymore, except as a joke. Anyway, talking only to straight people is not too relevant to my interests, and while the conservative Christian viewpoint is pretty subtle in the advertising, just be aware of that PROBABLY NOT ACCIDENTAL omission going in, queer friends.

    (This is made even more impressive by the fact that the heart of the Imago approach is based on childhood trauma, about the ways in which our parents caused us to suppress or hide or ignore parts of ourselves in order to be accepted and loved. Just let that sink in, because I’ve been reading this book for the past week and I am still reeling from the irony that people who have been thinking for the past three decades about the ways that parents cause trauma to kids by failing to accept parts of them have missed the VERY OBVIOUS AND RELEVANT EXAMPLE of queer folks.)

    That aside, for me the book was a mixed-bag of some interesting and provocative ideas (I’d put these in the category of poetic notions, or interesting narrative ideas), alongside some really kooky 20th century neo-Freudian stuff (rooted in part in Freud’s theory of repetition compulsion.) I’m no fan of Freudian approaches, and after I started this book, I decided to see how empirically-validated this Imago approach is: based on what I found, there seems to be basically no evidence that this therapy is effective.

    Am I glad I read it? I think so?? It was thought-provoking, with the pretty significant grain of salt that there’s not much evidence to support that Imago therapy is much better than doing nothing at all. Also, I feel a little gross giving my money to relationship experts who (in 2019!!)) won’t even acknowledge the existence of queer people, even when doing so would obviously strengthen their core arguments and provide better examples than some of the meek ones they give.
    89 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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  • Gabriele Almeida
    5.0 out of 5 stars Livro excelente!
    Reviewed in Brazil on November 8, 2024
    Conteúdo ótimo, uma pena que a entrega seja feita com tamanho descaso que o livro é entregue deteriorado.
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    Gabriele Almeida
    5.0 out of 5 stars Livro excelente!
    Reviewed in Brazil on November 8, 2024
    Conteúdo ótimo, uma pena que a entrega seja feita com tamanho descaso que o livro é entregue deteriorado.
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  • Emriev
    5.0 out of 5 stars Great book but came used
    Reviewed in Canada on January 18, 2024
    Excellent book, very insightful and helpful. However very unhappy with seller; my *new* book came all bent and warped, with a huge rip of the cover at binding. I had amazon refund me
  • F
    5.0 out of 5 stars A true masterpiece!
    Reviewed in Italy on May 30, 2023
    This book is a true masterpiece, weaving togheter themes of love, magic and self-discovery
  • Amazon Customer
    5.0 out of 5 stars Fab Read
    Reviewed in India on August 22, 2022
    You must read this book to understand yourself and the world better. It really is a game changer. Read it.
  • Katie Buckley
    5.0 out of 5 stars I feel less like a prisoner of my own thoughts and scared they will ruin my relationship
    Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 7, 2020
    I haven't finished it just yet, but it is in many ways the book I have needed to read for years. I'm surprised that something which is so popular and assumedly informed so many books after it still seems so fresh to my mind. Maybe it is because many of the techniques are trademarked under their therapy name that it still seems so revolutionary. Anyway, it's probably the greatest book I have read on relationships and dealing with trauma and I'm very excited to use the (structured, detailed and well reasoned) techniques outlined in the book. Having such a clear structure to the book is a blessing, and it remains emotive when explaining how the techniques work: together this makes for very powerful reading. It hits you like: why haven't I known this before and how quickly can I start implementing it?

    From my own perspective I am quite young but have been struggling to get what I need from my partner, and frantic googling about why I am so unhappy only led to Cosmo and EliteDaily articles about relationships which were more confusing than helpful. Numerous times I have nearly shut down the relationship totally because I cannot accept his otherness to me. Well, this book didn't coddle me, it told exactly what I needed to do to get off my high horse and start respecting his differences like I had before and stop projecting my own fears (of abandonment) onto him. It's been a wake-up call that I needed having gone to therapy alone and looked after myself yet still feeling lost about this relationship. The two in tangent are very powerful! Anyway, that isn't to say this is the end of the story and we will love happily ever after, but I'm now going give him the book and hopefully we can work together to maintain a safe space between!

    Honestly if you're in doubt, just buy it, no matter your age sex or creed!! I am also atheist and baffled at a review which bemoans the couple of references to religion in the book. The authors use this sparingly to tell their own story (their BG is religious), the book is not at all religious it is very scientific :)