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How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century Hardcover – August 25, 2015

by Bella DePaulo Ph.D. (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 31 ratings
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A close-up examination and exploration, How We Live Now challenges our old concepts of what it means to be a family and have a home, opening the door to the many diverse and thriving experiments of living in twenty-first century America.

Across America and around the world, in cities and suburbs and small towns, people from all walks of life are redefining our “lifespaces”—the way we live and who we live with. The traditional nuclear family in their single-family home on a suburban lot has lost its place of prominence in contemporary life. Today, Americans have more choices than ever before in creating new ways to live and meet their personal needs and desires.

Social scientist, researcher, and writer Bella DePaulo has traveled across America to interview people experimenting with the paradigm of how we live. In How We Live Now, she explores everything from multi-generational homes to cohousing communities where one’s “family” is made up of friends and neighbors to couples “living apart together” to single-living, and ultimately uncovers a pioneering landscape for living that throws the old blueprint out the window.

Through personal interviews and stories, media accounts, and in-depth research, How We Live Now explores thriving lifespaces, and offers the reader choices that are freer, more diverse, and more attuned to our modern needs for the twenty-first century and beyond.
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Previous page
  1. Print length
    320 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Atria Books/Beyond Words
  4. Publication date
    August 25, 2015
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 1 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1582704791
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1582704791
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

Review

"A nonfiction must-read!" ― The Sacramento Bee

"An eye-opening survey of the different living arrangements Americans have come to embrace....An informative and inspirational guide to the myriad ways of making a home." ― Kirkus Reviews, Starred Review

"DePaulo's cross-country survey of living arrangements shatters the illusion that the average American belongs to a nuclear family living in a single-family home in the suburbs....DePaulo's descriptions of these living arrangements are punctuated with quotes from her extensive interviews with 'the people who let me into their homes and their lives,' providing the book with a wide range of voices." ― Publishers Weekly

“The so-called demise of the nuclear family is revolutionizing how we live. With characteristic curiosity and warmth, Bella DePaulo synthesizes surprising historical facts, contemporary statistics, and original reporting to animate the breathtaking array of ingenuity on offer, from the national Village movement to niche innovations such as single mothers banding together under one roof. Both a documentary of a changing America, and a guidebook, How We Live Now is indispensable reading for anyone who wants to understand—or take part in—the myriad ways in which people are reinventing domestic spaces to suit individual needs and desires.” -- Kate Bolick, author of Spinster

"The nuclear family never worked for everyone, and today it doesn't have to, because we've embarked on an unprecedented social experiment in how to live. In this inspiring book, Bella DePaulo reports on the innovative ways people are settling down, creating communities, and remaking the home and family in the 21st century." -- Eric Klinenberg, author of Going Solo

“These days married people are living separately, unrelated people are living together in every imaginable configuration, and many folks are living happily alone. Bella DePaulo’s new book, How We Live Now, not only tells us who’s living under which roofs, but what’s going on behind closed doors. How are these living situations affecting everyday experience and changing the very definition of family? Fascinating!” -- Rebecca Zwick, Professor Emerita, University of California, Santa Barbara

“From single moms living together to raise their children, to couples who are LATs (Living Apart Together), to mature adults thriving in co-housing communities, Bella DePaulo takes us on a fascinating journey of real people sharing dwellings and sharing their lives in new and creative ways. How We Live Now is informative, compelling, impeccably researched, and may ignite the spark to create your own best lifespace.” -- Jan Cullinane, author of The Single Woman's Guide to Retirement

“How We Live Now is full of engaging personal interviews and valuable social science research. It debunks many commonly held myths and paints an attractive picture of the diverse living arrangements possible. We are clearly moving away from the nuclear family as an ideal.” -- Annamarie Pluhar, author of Sharing Housing

“In this timely and illuminating book, Bella DePaulo documents a quiet but profound revolution in the way people define family, home, and community. With warmth and insight, DePaulo shares stories of men and women of all ages who are letting go of familiar scripts and finding new ways of creating a caring and comfortable place to call home. How We Live Now is essential reading for anyone who wants to create the life they desire by making mindful choices about the way they live.” -- Nancy Collins, Professor of Psycholigical and Brain Sciences, University of California, Santa Barbara

"How We Live Now explores the intersection of relationships and lifespaces, primarily focusing on the needs to balance cravings. It addresses cravings for solitude, for connectedness, for intimacy, for support, for freedom, and for fulfillment... Bella DePaulo is masterful at grouping truly idiosyncratic lifespace choices in a manner that reveals their motivations and apparently unstoppable momentum." -- Susan Hurt, JD, PhD, clinical and forensic psychologist

About the Author

Bella DePaulo, PhD, is a psychologist and the author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After. Her research and writing have been featured in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and many other outlets, and she blogs at Psychology Today, Psych Central, and Huffington Post. DePaulo is currently a visiting professor of psychology at UC Santa Barbara in California.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Atria Books/Beyond Words (August 25, 2015)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Hardcover ‏ : ‎ 320 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1582704791
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1582704791
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 0.035 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 1 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 31 ratings

About the author

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Bella DePaulo

Bella DePaulo

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I’m Bella DePaulo. I’m proud to say that I’ve always been single and I always will be.

• “Single at heart” is my term for people who love being single – single life is our most meaningful, fulfilling, authentic, and psychologically rich life. My latest book, “Single at Heart,” is all about that.

• The Atlantic magazine described me as “America’s foremost thinker and writer on the single experience.”

• My TEDx talk, “What no one ever told you about people who are single,” has been viewed more than 1.6 million times.

• My 1st book about singles was Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After (St. Martin’s)

• I’m a social psychologist, a Harvard PhD with more than 150 scholarly publications. My 2023 article, "Single and flourishing: Transcending the deficit narratives of single life," was published in an academic journal but I wrote it in an engaging and jargon-free way so you don’t have to be an academic to enjoy it.

• I have bylines in the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York magazine, the Atlantic, Time magazine, the Guardian, the Chronicle of Higher Education, NBC, CNN, and many more.

• My work on single people has been described in many publications in the US and around the world, including, for example, the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Cosmopolitan, New York magazine, Time magazine, the Atlantic, the Economist, the Week, the Nation, Business Week, AARP Magazine, Newsweek, and the TED Ideas Blog.

• I have been writing the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today since 2008.

• I have been on NPR many times, as well as many other podcasts and radio shows.

• In 2022, I discussed single people with Maria Shriver on the Today show.

You can learn more about me at my website, www.BellaDePaulo.com.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
31 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Tricia
5.0 out of 5 stars finding your happily-ever-after
Reviewed in the United States on September 9, 2015
Verified Purchase
I’ve been voraciously reading Dr. DePaulo’s work for the past year, and I have nothing but gratitude for her latest book that speaks of how we live with and amongst one another – lifespaces, as she calls it. Debunking research, challenging elements of culture, and addressing stigmatism is what Dr. DePaulo does best, and always in a welcoming, nonjudgmental, painfully truthful manner laced with just the right amount of humor to keep things light. It’s what sets her apart from others in the world of social science. So when I finally received my much anticipated copy of ‘How We Live NOW’, I was thrilled to find she left no stone unturned in her quest to discover and share the ways in which people are living today – ways that certainly challenged my shallow beliefs.

As I learned of the many models of ‘home’ Dr. DePaulo describes, homes that explore and accept the differences, needs and wants in individuals and families, I found myself exhaling gentle sighs of happiness, of relief, and of thankfulness in discovering that I have options available in redefining my lifespace that I had never known. Inviting us into the private lives and spaces of people all over our country, Dr. DePaulo unabashedly reassures us there is not a blueprint for happily-ever-after, and in doing so gives us permission to examine how we currently live and whether or not it is honoring who we really are. Want to be in a traditional marriage? Fine. Want to be married yet living apart in your own space? Can do. Want to be a solo parent along with other solo parents living together raising your children in co-operative spaces? That’s being done. Dreaming of a small community of friends or like-minded persons with common goals? It exists. Keep the family home so that young adults can live and grow under the care and direction of multi-generations? You bet. Desire a small space for one? It’s out there, too. The possibilities, and the reasons behind lifespace choices, are endless, simple and beautiful.

At the heart of Dr. DePaulo’s work sits rugged individualism that once defined the American dream and the most inalienable of all human rights -- the right to the pursuit of happiness. For all time it seems persons have yearned for peace and happiness in day to day living, in connecting with persons in meaningful ways, and in discovering what sustains each of us as persons, lovers, friends, family and neighbors. Yet somewhere along the way, we oftentimes settle. We stop our pursuit for one reason or another and we accept that this may just be as good as it gets. Dr. DePaulo doesn’t think like that. She asks us to contemplate the ways we may have ‘settled’, and how we’ve accepted the status quo regarding social and living issues. ‘How We Live NOW’ is a giant invitation to celebrate and join the unique, creative and passionate ways people have defined the timeless notion of ‘home', and in doing so find a new and improved happily-ever-after.
9 people found this helpful
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Louise Machinist
5.0 out of 5 stars How We Live Now
Reviewed in the United States on September 25, 2015
Verified Purchase
My measure of the value of a book is reflected in how many page corners I turn down as I read. My copy of How We Live Now: Redefining Home and Family in the 21st Century has many, many dog-eared corners marking pages and passages that I need to go back to. This gracefully written book reads like a novel full of compelling stories but it is also chock full of
facts and statistics, new and compelling ideas, and astute commentary.

From the perspective of 12 happy years living co-owned cooperative households, I commend Dr. DePaulo for catching the spirit and adventure of intentional community and getting it so very right. Her interviews with folks she calls “lifestyle pioneers” illustrate the incredible diversity, creativity and resilience of the human spirit. Yes—there ARE many wonderful ways to live for people who are willing and able to think outside the box. This exciting book chronicles exciting changes that are occurring in our society, changes that in some cases literally save people’s lives.
5 people found this helpful
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Dee
4.0 out of 5 stars wonderful assessment of ways to live in the 21st century
Reviewed in the United States on January 22, 2022
Verified Purchase
Comprehensive look at “housing” and community over many decades. First hand stories provide a new way to look at how we may choose to live in community as we age.
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G. Crooks
5.0 out of 5 stars More creativity in living arrangements than I knew
Reviewed in the United States on December 6, 2017
Verified Purchase
Loved the stories of the various people and how they're living life differently and appreciated the perspectives clearing up myths or misunderstandings about how people actually live life together.
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Ramona Cux
5.0 out of 5 stars Finally.. I feel normal!! :)
Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2020
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I loved reading this book..very interesting!
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Julie M. Hofstede
5.0 out of 5 stars Good read
Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2017
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Imformative book on various approaches to living. Enjoyed it very much. Good price for an e book read as well.
One person found this helpful
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Largo Jazz
5.0 out of 5 stars Fascinating to hear about other ways of living
Reviewed in the United States on July 5, 2018
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Fascinating and made me feel hopeful and god about possible futures.
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RobinA
5.0 out of 5 stars Well written and useful source for alternative living ideas
Reviewed in the United States on February 4, 2017
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This was an easy read, and fascinating to see the many types of living arrangements we Americans have.
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Top reviews from other countries

S. Davies
5.0 out of 5 stars thankfully books like this one map-out the possibility that an authentic life ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on November 8, 2015
Verified Purchase
This book provides a highly readable and at times moving account of the different ways people are doing family and community. In her book Bella looks at the way in which contemporary stories about family (life long partnership, probably with children) is being re-imagined as people open up about their desire to doing something different.

Whether it's couples who remain in relationship but choose not to co-habit or people choosing a communal setting with important aspects of their lives being shared together, Bella paints an inspiring picture for the many of us who want to question a "one size fits all" paradigm. As someone who works in couples and family psychotherapy, I'm all too aware of the knots people get tied in as they feel under pressure to conform to some imagined ideal; thankfully books like this one map-out the possibility that an authentic life can take a different shape.

While I was aware of it's largely North American setting, I think that Bella does well in both integrating insights regarding from other non-western cultures and in thinking about what these new possibilities might look like elsewhere. I found the whole book inspiring and particularly enjoyed the chapters on Couples choosing to live apart and those people choosing to live alone.

Highly recommended!
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