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Securely Attached: Transform Your Attachment Patterns into Loving, Lasting Romantic Relationships ( Attached Book) (Attachment Nerd) Paperback – November 21, 2023
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—Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times-bestselling author of How to Do the Work and creator of The Holistic Psychologist on Instagram
Unlock the key to deeply satisfying relationships and create the love you want with this fun and practical workbook from Eli Harwood, aka The Attachment Nerd. A licensed therapist and viral TikTok star, Harwood will help you navigate the path to an intimate, secure relationship with your sweetheart.
Grounded in attachment theory research, Securely Attached clearly and gently guides you in delving deeper and overcoming problematic patterns that are holding you back from getting—and keeping—the close, fulfilling relationship you want. 140 insightful prompts will help you:
• IDENTIFY YOUR ATTACHMENT PATTERNS. Understand which four categories inform your close relationships and why.
• HEAL PAST WOUNDS. Reflect and process your unique attachment story for a perspective shift.
• DEVELOP TOOLS FOR GROWTH. Quizzes, exercises, and tips provide actionable steps to learning secure patterns.
• LOVE SECURELY. Find, build, and nurture healthy ways of loving—and being loved.
With this workbook, you will come to understand your attachment story and how to move forward into the kind of connection with loved ones you want now and in the future. Transform insecure attachment patterns and unlock the key to deeply satisfying relationships with this insightful journal. Securely Attached is your guide to creating the love you want now!
- Print length176 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherSasquatch Books
- Publication dateNovember 21, 2023
- Dimensions6 x 0.54 x 8.98 inches
- ISBN-101632174898
- ISBN-13978-1632174895
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Review
“Securely Attached is a resource that every therapist, client, and person needs in their life. Eli hands us her clear knowledge of the attachment research in a way that is engaging, concise, and hopeful towards healing attachment wounds and learning how to cultivate secure bonds with the people who matter most in our lives.”
—Dr. Nicole LePera, New York Times-bestselling author of How to Do the Work
“Transforming our attachment patterns is a transformative journey, and Eli Harwood's book, Securely Attached, is a guiding light on this path of self-discovery and growth. With a blend of expertise, compassion, and personal experience, Eli empowers adults with insecure attachment styles to forge deeply satisfying and secure relationships.”
—Jessica Baum, LMHC, author of Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love
“This visually engaging, humor-infused workbook guides insecurely attached readers on a journey of self-discovery. Harwood gently provides clear explanations of attachment-related concepts readers can apply to their lives through thought-provoking exercises. The result is an amazing opportunity to nurture secure attachment and enjoy emotionally intimate relationships.”
—Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD, author of Insecure in Love and Insecure in Love Workbook: Step-by-Step Guidance to Help You Overcome Anxious Attachment and Feel More Secure with Yourself and Your Partner
“You have decided to embark on a worthy and challenging endeavor by engaging this book. You’re in good hands! Eli is going to give you the brainy stuff of how early relationships create patterns in our lives. And who is Eli? Perhaps you have watched one of her TikTok videos, or read her Instagram posts. This I can promise you: she is not just an academic or clinical expert worthy of a follow on social media. She is your ally. She has lived what she has written in this book, and she is cheering you on.”
—Abby Wong-Heffter, LMHC, trauma and abuse therapist specializing in attachment theory
“An important, user-friendly guide to understanding and transforming attachment patterns.”
—Alan Sroufe, Professor Emeritus, University of Minnesota
About the Author
Visit her at AttachmentNerd.com or you can follow her on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook at attachmentnerd, where she has nearly a million followers.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Welcome friends! I am aware of the courage it takes to do this work and am so glad you are here. The journey to finding and maintaining a deeply secure romantic relationship can feel extremely daunting, if not downright unattainable at times.
Why? Because within each of us lies an entire universe full of our childhoods and past relationship experiences and stories. When we become close to another person, our universes collide. Building intimacy is beautiful and exciting and expands our world, but it can also trigger past pain and knee jerk reactions that create distance and disconnection from our partners. This can lead to deeply unhappy relationships, or to painful and costly breakups and divorces.
Trying to sort out how to get close to someone and also stay close with someone can feel extremely challenging, especially if you are one of the 45% of people who grew up in a family who was unable to offer you a secure relationship experience.
This book is what I wish I could have read in my twenties when I was scrambling all around town trying to figure out how to create a secure partner relationship. Unfortunately for me, there was no such book at the time, so I kept falling into the same potholes with different people and ending up on the same dead end street. Instead of finding secure love, I found myself starting to worry that something was inherently flawed in me.
Eventually, I hired myself a shrink, or what my mom kindly refers to as a “rent-a-friend”. It was in this therapy process that I learned all about attachment theory and it turned on all the lights upstairs for me. Learning about myself through an attachment lens, I started to believe that I wasn’t unlovable. BUT that I did have some insecure patterns to work on. As I explored my attachment story, my emotional responses and behaviors in my romantic relationships made perfect sense.
I felt WAY less insecure and WAY more hopeful.
And guess what? It worked! I transformed an insecure pattern of relating into a secure pattern and I took those skills and used them to build a deep, solid, passionate relationship with the incredible human who is now my spouse.
I then went to graduate school in 2005 and after I completed my studies, I started a therapy practice where I have been nerding out on the magic of attachment research and its clinical applications with my incredible clients ever since.
And the biggest truth nugget I have found both in the science and in my clinic is this:
What happens in our lives as little people plays a big role in how we relate to our close friends and partners as adults.
When I share this message I am aware that you might immediately imagine me as some odd HBO therapist stereotype wearing a paisley scarf and staring into the camera saying something painfully weird like “your inner child is handing you a zucchini, what do you think that means?”. So let me just go ahead and reassure you that paisley is not my thing. Oh and also, changing your attachment strategy does not mean that you will be stuck in some creepy version of your past, in fact, it will help you do the opposite. By really doing the work to understand your attachment story, you will be able to shed some of the pain from it and move forward into the kind of connection you want now and in the future.
While all attachment strategies make sense in your childhood contexts, they don’t all work to your advantage in creating the love you want now. Many of you will discover through this book that you had an insecure attachment experience and developed some insecure strategies to cope with that. I want to be clear up front: these insecure patterns are not personal defects. They are survival tools you used in your past relationships and they need to be transformed because they don’t serve you in your quest to be securely attached.
If you find that you are one of the lucky half of people who has a secure strategy in attachment relationships, there is still lots of good reflection in here for you too. Some will be about your journey and some may be about people you care for who haven’t had the same secure experiences as you. This will still serve you as you continue to love people in an imperfect world!
How to Use This Book
I organized the book into three parts so you can get a sense of the three distinct tasks at hand in learning a secure attachment pattern.
Part I is about processing and grieving your childhood attachment experiences (yes you are going to feel some feels). This is important because it helps you understand WHY you relate the way you do and WHAT it was that happened in your early relationships, which will allow your nervous system to release the pain from those experiences.
Part II is about how PART I got translated into your grown-up experiences. It is also about how your grown-up experiences either reinforced your insecure strategies, made them even more pronounced, or for the lucky ones, helped you move toward healing. If you have never had a serious romantic relationship, use this section to reflect on the ways you have navigated your closest friendships. Friends can absolutely be attachment figures for us.
Part III is about the tactical things you will need to learn and adapt now that you have processed your pain and original attachment stories. This section will break it down to the nitty gritty so you have a solid idea of how to relate to others with a secure pattern.
The book is also color-coded throughout to show you the distinctions between the four attachment categories in the different topics. Here’s the key:
Green = Secure
Yellow = Ambivalent/Preoccupied
Blue = Avoidant/Dismissive
Red = Disorganized/Unresolved
Y’all, I am a total nerd when it comes to attachment. And in my nerdiness I am a research-loyal gal. I don’t feel good guiding people along a path if there isn’t solid, observable, peer-reviewed evidence to support the likely outcomes. Just in case you all are a little bit nerdy too, I have summarized some of my favorite research facts and sprinkled them throughout in sections called “Attachment Nerd Alert”.
In terms of how long doing this workbook should ideally take you, my invitation is to pace yourself. Healing is not a sprint. Give your mind and body time to catch up with the ideas you are learning and the work you are putting in to apply them to your life. 4 to 6 pages a week is a great steady pace. If you are an energizer bunny and must go faster, I get it; I have the same problem. But take breaks if you start to feel overwhelmed or checked out. Your body might just need a minute to process what you are feeling and reflecting on.
Product details
- Publisher : Sasquatch Books (November 21, 2023)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 176 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1632174898
- ISBN-13 : 978-1632174895
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 6 x 0.54 x 8.98 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #14,009 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #43 in Dating (Books)
- #149 in Marriage
- #153 in Love & Romance (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the author
ELI HARWOOD is a licensed therapist, bestselling author, and highly sought-after educator who has more than 17 years of experience helping people process relational traumas and develop secure connections with their children. She is on a mission to help make the world a better place, one relationship at a time. In addition to her clinical work, Harwood also offers online courses and in-person retreats to help individuals better understand their attachment styles and build stronger bonds. She has also served as a faculty member at The Denver Family Institute and is the author of “Securely Attached.” Eli has three children, one husband, two cats, and an extraordinary number of plants.
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book easy to read and understand. They appreciate the clear and concise writing style and helpful prompts that help them explore their own experiences. The book explains attachment theory in an accessible way while gently guiding readers towards addressing difficult emotions and behaviors. Readers describe the author as fun and wise, providing encouragement and reminders of attachment theory. Overall, they find the book engaging and eye-opening.
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Customers find the book easy to read and a valuable resource. They say it's clear, concise, and well-researched. The book is described as therapeutic and introspective, with helpful information that is summarized.
"This book is a terrific, warm, constantly-encouraging bundle of sunshine wrapped in 161 pages!..." Read more
"...She shares tons of great insights on how to treat children. I have learned so much from her site! I do not know this author and have never met her...." Read more
"...She sifts through mountains of research to distill what you need to know to make changes happen in your real life...." Read more
"Securely Attached is a great book/workbook to take a closer look at your relationship experiences...." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's clear and concise language. They find the approach accessible and the writing style friendly. The journal prompts help them go deep inside. The author provides understandable ways to explain attachment to others.
"...Eli has a gift for clear, simple, easy-to-understand language when addressing such a hugely complex topic, and I also love that she has given me..." Read more
"...It gives you pointers and directs you down the path of an "earned" secure attachment. That is my goal...." Read more
"...Eli Harwood has created a good blend of focused content and reflection questions...." Read more
"...this book, the reflections, the growth and the detailed explanations of the types of attachments were really useful and informative. Highly recommend!" Read more
Customers find the book's pacing helpful. They appreciate the prompts that help them go deep inside themselves, providing encouragement and wonderful reminders of attachment theory. The author gently guides them toward addressing difficult emotions and behaviors. Many find the book informative and life-changing, helping them make positive strides in their attachment to each other.
"...She is a wonderfully fun and wise human and I love having her compassionate voice in my head as I interact in difficult situations with the goal of..." Read more
"...This book is a journal and has excellent prompts to help you go deep inside yourself...." Read more
"...Her book is life changing. It’s part journal, so it’s really therapeutic and introspective. I can’t say enough good things about it...." Read more
"...and together, and this book has helped us go deeper and make more positive strides in our attachment to each other (and thus to our kiddos) than we..." Read more
Customers find the book helpful for learning about attachment theory. It explains the science and encourages secure attachment.
"Securely Attached is a great book/workbook to take a closer look at your relationship experiences...." Read more
"...we are, but the most important thing is that it encourages you to reach “EARNED SECURE ATTACHMENT.”..." Read more
"...This workbook not only explains the science of attachement theory but also walks you through your own experiences to understand how you might become..." Read more
"Securely Attached..." Read more
Customers enjoy the books. They find the author entertaining and engaging, helping them focus on their work.
"...She is a wonderfully fun and wise human and I love having her compassionate voice in my head as I interact in difficult situations with the goal of..." Read more
"...This is one of the most accessible, to the point, and engaging books that get you to dig in to your work in a not threatening way...." Read more
"...I like Eli’s approach-she’s fun and has a cute sense of humor...." Read more
Customers find the book's advice insightful and encouraging. They describe it as informative and a warm, positive bundle of sunshine.
"This book is a terrific, warm, constantly-encouraging bundle of sunshine wrapped in 161 pages!..." Read more
"I follow this author on Instagram and her advice is thoughtful and eye opening...." Read more
"Incredibly Informative and Illuminating..." Read more
Reviews with images
The most entertaining attachment book you’ll ever read…you’ll definitely laugh out loud!
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on January 31, 2024This book is a terrific, warm, constantly-encouraging bundle of sunshine wrapped in 161 pages! If you are new to attachment, she explains and demonstrates the concepts in a way that is incredibly easy to understand and apply to your own situation (through the carefully crafted workbook page questions). If you have been in the attachment world for a while, she provides encouragement and wonderful reminders of the most important parts and also the hardest parts…which I can’t hear too many times! Eli has a gift for clear, simple, easy-to-understand language when addressing such a hugely complex topic, and I also love that she has given me understandable ways to explain attachment to others in our world that may wonder why we are parenting our kids the way we are. You will feel like you have a wise, kind friend alongside you as you read this book through the voice of the author. Also, she is incredibly funny and witty and injects the perfect amount of lightheartedness into a serious matter. This will be a book that stays on my shelf and comes out frequently as I need reminders and encouragement in my journey. Also, my teenagers also want to read this book and I know they will love it, too! Eli has an amazing Instagram account and she posts frequent video examples of the attachment situations/attributes being used in the real world that are incredibly helpful (and also very entertaining!). She is a wonderfully fun and wise human and I love having her compassionate voice in my head as I interact in difficult situations with the goal of attachment. I can’t recommend this book more strongly!!!!
5.0 out of 5 stars The most entertaining attachment book you’ll ever read…you’ll definitely laugh out loud!This book is a terrific, warm, constantly-encouraging bundle of sunshine wrapped in 161 pages! If you are new to attachment, she explains and demonstrates the concepts in a way that is incredibly easy to understand and apply to your own situation (through the carefully crafted workbook page questions). If you have been in the attachment world for a while, she provides encouragement and wonderful reminders of the most important parts and also the hardest parts…which I can’t hear too many times! Eli has a gift for clear, simple, easy-to-understand language when addressing such a hugely complex topic, and I also love that she has given me understandable ways to explain attachment to others in our world that may wonder why we are parenting our kids the way we are. You will feel like you have a wise, kind friend alongside you as you read this book through the voice of the author. Also, she is incredibly funny and witty and injects the perfect amount of lightheartedness into a serious matter. This will be a book that stays on my shelf and comes out frequently as I need reminders and encouragement in my journey. Also, my teenagers also want to read this book and I know they will love it, too! Eli has an amazing Instagram account and she posts frequent video examples of the attachment situations/attributes being used in the real world that are incredibly helpful (and also very entertaining!). She is a wonderfully fun and wise human and I love having her compassionate voice in my head as I interact in difficult situations with the goal of attachment. I can’t recommend this book more strongly!!!!
Reviewed in the United States on January 31, 2024
Images in this review - Reviewed in the United States on December 11, 2023This book is AMAZING! It is broken down into three parts: Where your story began, Where you story ended up, and Where your story is headed. If you're blessed, you were raised in a way that fostered a secure attachment. Although experts say that is supposed to be something like 50% of people, I don't know that many people who fit into this category, so if you do, you truly have been blessed. For the rest of us who have insecure attachments, this book will help you identify where you're at and show you what may have been some of the causes of your insecure attachment. This is SUPER IMPORTANT because if you don't realize you have an insecure attachment and you don't realize what factors led to this, you very well may duplicate this in your own children. I sure did and now that they are grown, I'm fighting to change all of our insecure attachment patterns. And that is what the third part of the book helps you do. It gives you pointers and directs you down the path of an "earned" secure attachment. That is my goal. To transform my insecure attachment into a secure one and to make sure I give my children and future grandchildren these tools to stop this generational cycle of insecure attachments. Is it hard? Absolutely. I've been working on this since 2019. Is this book all you'll need? Maybe. More likely it will be one of the wonderful tools in your toolbox. I recommend a good trauma therapist who uses EMDR and IFS. Get help to work through your past. It's murky waters and you need a few life savers! This book is a journal and has excellent prompts to help you go deep inside yourself. I took mine to OfficeMax and had it spiral bound for a little over $5. Definitely worth it so that I can lay it flat when I journal in it. I also bought it in the kindle version so I can have it with me everyone I go. I am an EMDR-trained trauma therapist and have already recommended it to a few clients and am gifting it to a few friends for Christmas. Oh! And one last thing. Get connected to the author on her Facebook page: Attachment Nerd. She shares tons of great insights on how to treat children. I have learned so much from her site! I do not know this author and have never met her. I was just blessed by connecting with her on her Facebook site. I hope you will be equally blessed! --Mary E.
- Reviewed in the United States on December 13, 2023If you have found Eli Harwood, aka The Attachment Nerd, on social media first you will be so thrilled to find out her book is just as warm and inviting as her posts! (If not you should stop right now and do that). It can be so overwhelming to start this journey - and she is just the right helpful companion. She sifts through mountains of research to distill what you need to know to make changes happen in your real life. Finding out that avoidant attachment doesn’t mean you are trying to avoid connecting with people is huge. The light bulb that goes off when you realize you were simply trying to AVOID disrupting caregivers growing up - and that you might still be doing that is worth the book! Eli Harwood has created a good blend of focused content and reflection questions. I even took the 8 behaviors of secure attachment and made tiny little signs for around my house so I can get “bombarded” with good messages on options I have to build the kind of attachment I want. Grateful for her work. Grateful for this book!
5.0 out of 5 stars So practical, accessible, and easy to applyIf you have found Eli Harwood, aka The Attachment Nerd, on social media first you will be so thrilled to find out her book is just as warm and inviting as her posts! (If not you should stop right now and do that). It can be so overwhelming to start this journey - and she is just the right helpful companion. She sifts through mountains of research to distill what you need to know to make changes happen in your real life. Finding out that avoidant attachment doesn’t mean you are trying to avoid connecting with people is huge. The light bulb that goes off when you realize you were simply trying to AVOID disrupting caregivers growing up - and that you might still be doing that is worth the book! Eli Harwood has created a good blend of focused content and reflection questions. I even took the 8 behaviors of secure attachment and made tiny little signs for around my house so I can get “bombarded” with good messages on options I have to build the kind of attachment I want. Grateful for her work. Grateful for this book!
Reviewed in the United States on December 13, 2023
Images in this review - Reviewed in the United States on July 1, 2024Securely Attached is a great book/workbook to take a closer look at your relationship experiences.
As someone that uses attachment theory in my professional work as a Therapy-Informed Financial Planner™ I love how approachable Eli makes the science of attachment.
I have also been able to see some of my own attachment patterns more clearly through the self-reflection exercises she has throughout the whole book. While it is not always fun to look in the mirror, the more clearly I see myself, the more I find freedom in relationships.
This is a must get and one that I now regularly recommend to all my clients. The foundation of financial well-being is relationship connection and most of us have room to grow in this department.
Here is to happy, healthy relationships,
Ed
5.0 out of 5 stars Loving The Growth Personally and ProfessionalSecurely Attached is a great book/workbook to take a closer look at your relationship experiences.
Reviewed in the United States on July 1, 2024
As someone that uses attachment theory in my professional work as a Therapy-Informed Financial Planner™ I love how approachable Eli makes the science of attachment.
I have also been able to see some of my own attachment patterns more clearly through the self-reflection exercises she has throughout the whole book. While it is not always fun to look in the mirror, the more clearly I see myself, the more I find freedom in relationships.
This is a must get and one that I now regularly recommend to all my clients. The foundation of financial well-being is relationship connection and most of us have room to grow in this department.
Here is to happy, healthy relationships,
Ed
Images in this review - Reviewed in the United States on November 18, 2024Really great.
- Reviewed in the United States on August 25, 2024I love this book, the reflections, the growth and the detailed explanations of the types of attachments were really useful and informative. Highly recommend!
- Reviewed in the United States on May 29, 2024I follow Eli Harwood on Instagram and I’ve always enjoyed her content. When I saw that she had released a book, it was an easy purchase. Her book is life changing. It’s part journal, so it’s really therapeutic and introspective. I can’t say enough good things about it. Thank you, Eli for sharing this with the world.
Top reviews from other countries
- NormReviewed in Canada on September 19, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars So many pages to fill in!
My therapist recommended this book, you know it's a good workbook when a licensed therapist recommends it!
- AlexandraReviewed in Germany on December 19, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Engaging and insightful
I loved it and recommend it! Just the right amount of lightheartedness and introspection
- SiaReviewed in Australia on October 28, 2024
3.0 out of 5 stars Decent, but...
There are some solid points in this workbook, however the author's style of writing did start to irritate me. It's clearly meant to be warm and conversational to help readers feel more at ease, but after a while it felt like it bordered into condescending/child-like, and that detracts from the importance of the content. Also the design of the book (as in the way the book is bound) makes it incredibly hard to write in for the journal prompts, because you can never get the book to lay flat.
- IMReviewed in Canada on September 5, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Just want I needed
I follow her on social, here is all the important info we need as a parent
- Ron F.Reviewed in Canada on July 10, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Ordered for gifts
Great piece of literature, reading, learning and self help. Guided information, thought provoking