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Death Is But a Dream: Finding Hope and Meaning in End of Life Dreams Kindle Edition
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Christopher Kerr is a hospice doctor. All of his patients die. Yet he has cared for thousands of patients who, in the face of death, speak of love and grace. Beyond the physical realities of dying are unseen processes that are remarkably life-affirming. These include dreams that are unlike any regular dream. Described as "more real than real," these end-of-life experiences resurrect past relationships, meaningful events and themes of love and forgiveness; they restore life's meaning and mark the transition from distress to comfort and acceptance.
Drawing on interviews with over 1,400 patients and more than a decade of quantified data, Dr. Kerr reveals that pre-death dreams and visions are extraordinary occurrences that humanize the dying process. He shares how his patients' stories point to death as not solely about the end of life, but as the final chapter of humanity's transcendence. Kerr's book also illuminates the benefits of these phenomena for the bereaved, who find solace in seeing their loved ones pass with a sense of calm closure.
Beautifully written, with astonishing real-life characters and stories, this book is at its heart a celebration of our power to reclaim the dying process as a deeply meaningful one. Death Is But a Dream is an important contribution to our understanding of medicine's and humanity's greatest mystery.
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherAvery
- Publication dateFebruary 11, 2020
- File size1456 KB
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Editorial Reviews
Review
"Remembering the revealing end-of-life experiences my own father had, I was fascinated by this book. It treats an area of medical ignorance and societal naiveté. Whether you have a loved one nearing the end, or are contemplating what may lie beyond this life, you’ll find that Dr. Kerr’s book brings meaning and even beauty to our final stage. I recommend it highly for anyone with a finite lifespan."–Dale Bredesen, MD, author of the New York Times bestseller, The End of Alzheimer’s
"A beautiful portrait of the human capacity for transcendence at the end of life. This book will inspire you reflect on the love and meaning you have experienced in your own life, and help you listen to, and be with, those nearing the end of their lives."–Kelly McGonigal, PhD, author of The Joy of Movement
"Reflections on death are not new. Yet, so many wish to separate death from life forgetting that death, in fact, is part of life. This reality is shared with us by a hospice physician who, himself, learned so much from the dying. And what did he learn? That by being truly present with those who are dying, one learns how to live."–James Doty, MD, author of Into the Magic Shop
"In this fascinating book, we meet the dying whose dreams, both sad and sweet, are powerful, beautiful medicine for the soul; theirs and ours."–Steve Leder, author of More Beautiful Than Before; How Suffering Transforms Us
"Penetrating and empathetic...This comforting guide will reassure the dying and their loved ones while providing instructive portraits of end-of-life patients for those who work in medical and healing professions."–Publishers Weekly, starred review
“An uplifting and reassuring work testifying to the deep restorative and spiritual—though not necessarily religious—nature of pre-death visions.”–Kirkus Reviews
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
It is true that everyone will have come across the story of an old couple who died within days of each other. I have known many. I met people who followed their partner into death in the absence of any clear medical prognosis. We all knew that it was due to a broken heart, and that this was neither a metaphor nor a romanticized assessment. It is now established as medical fact that a real-life broken heart can lead to cardiac consequences. The medical diagnosis has a name: broken-heart syndrome, or in medical parlance, stress-induced or takotsubo cardiomyopathy. It usually happens quietly, surreptitiously, with no further ado.
A broken heart best describes what happened to ninety-year-old Bernard—Benny to his loved ones— shortly after his wife Gloria’s passing. At the time of Gloria’s death, Benny had been in good health. At eighty- even, he was active, gregarious, and independent, visiting a lifetime’s worth of friends and family. He loved to drive, and did so daily around Buffalo, the town in which he had lived his whole life. After Gloria’s precipitous death from an infection, he was inconsolable. He kept wishing for an early death, imploring God to let him rejoin his “Glo.”
Benny would visit the cemetery daily, sometimes up to three times a day. There, he would sit or kneel in front of Gloria’s gravestone, praying and talking to her, resurrecting her in memory. When his daughter Maureen tried to dissuade him from prostrating himself, his rebuke was immediate. “To each his own,” he answered.
On Valentine’s Day 2016, exactly two months after Gloria’s passing, Benny insisted on sticking to his daily routine despite subzero temperatures. When Maureen arrived at the cemetery, she could not refrain from asking the question whose answer she knew too well: “What are you trying to do? Kill yourself?” Benny did not miss a beat: “I could only wish.” This is the same man who had found it in himself to tell his dying wife that it was “okay to let go now.” But it wasn’t, not then, not now, not ever.
On that fateful day, with temperatures plummeting to minus 15, Maureen found her father walking around Gloria’s tombstone. He looked like he was going around in circles, resolute and heavy-footed as he worked his way through the snow. From a distance, she first assumed it was the cold that kept him moving, but she soon noticed that he was walking in too deliberate a pattern and was retracing his steps. As she drew closer, she saw that he had been carving a heart in the snow around her grave.
Benny was usually solemn and reflective after his visits to the cemetery. Things were different that evening. He appeared breathless and uncomfortable. His status worsened over the next forty-eight hours, and by the time he was taken to the emergency room, he was critically ill. He was diagnosed with having suffered a heart attack that had been stuttering over the past few days. Benny’s heart literally broke on Valentine’s Day.
The absence of immediate medical intervention had caused an irreversible heart condition that required hospice care. In the space of forty-eight hours, Benny had gone from being fully independent to being unable to fend for himself. He had to move in with his daughter. He could no longer visit Gloria’s grave, so he began to visit her in his dreams. Or, as his daughter evocatively stated, “He is living in his dreams now.” She could hear him at night, singing to his beloved Gloria in Polish, the shared language of their upbringing. This once overly social man would awake only briefly to eat, preferring to return to bed so he could close his eyes and revisit his wife.
Old couples have much to teach us about true love. Their bond requires no big declarations, loyalty tests, or dramatic endings. It just needs and takes time. It unravels and infuses every fiber of their being, so much so that they cannot conceive of living without it. And so they don’t. They move on through life’s obstacles with the certainty of its existence. They continue to feel and believe in it even when the person through whom that love originated leaves them. For elderly patients especially, their love for their other half is who they are. Job, ambition, hobbies, mortgage, and plans have come and gone. What is left and what matters is the relationships they have maintained, cherished, and tended to through a lifetime of small gestures and greetings, loving glances and humorous words, shared stories and forgiven faults.
It may be that our cultural representations of romantic love have it all wrong. Love at its best, deepest, and strongest is not about youth, impulsivity, drama, or despair. It is about constancy, patience, trust, forgiveness, and sustained acceptance. It is about letting go of the living and not letting go of the dead.
Product details
- ASIN : B07SRQC373
- Publisher : Avery (February 11, 2020)
- Publication date : February 11, 2020
- Language : English
- File size : 1456 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Print length : 254 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 0525542841
- Best Sellers Rank: #325,631 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #14 in Physician & Patient Hospice Care
- #24 in Internal Medicine Critical Care
- #52 in Grief & Loss (Kindle Store)
- Customer Reviews:
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Learn more how customers reviews work on AmazonCustomers say
Customers find the book inspiring and comforting. They describe it as an interesting and rewarding read that expands their understanding of end-of-life experiences. The writing style is described as well-written, easy to understand, and genuine. Readers appreciate the honesty and authenticity of the interviews with hospice patients.
AI-generated from the text of customer reviews
Customers find the book inspiring and comforting. They say it expands their understanding of end-of-life experiences and sheds light on beautiful stories from beautiful people. Readers describe it as a rewarding, hopeful read that changes their lives.
"...I found it interesting that he conducted an actual study on end of life visions and their purpose...." Read more
"...I have nothing but praise for the author! Such insight, such honesty, .Sometimes we only read for a few minutes, sometimes a half hour, at which..." Read more
"The research in this book is aweinspiring and should be ready by every medical professional, not just those in hospice work...." Read more
"I found this to be a rewarding book that expanded my understanding of end-of-life experiences...." Read more
Customers find the book engaging and informative. They describe it as a must-read for hospice workers and compassionate people. Readers also mention it's an inspiring book on death and dying.
"...Nice to see someone taking this seriously and de-mystifying it. Lovely book. I'm grateful to the author." Read more
"One of the best books I have ever read! I have nothing but praise for the author!..." Read more
"Interesting book." Read more
"I found this to be a rewarding book that expanded my understanding of end-of-life experiences...." Read more
Customers find the book well-written and easy to understand. They appreciate the author's explanation of dreams before death.
"...Dr. Kerr is clear and to the point in his writing style...." Read more
"This is a well written, hopeful book. If you or a loved one is at end of life, this book is for you...." Read more
"Dr. Kerr is a very good physician and writer. Appreciates that he does not label the person's experience but does take note and shares stories...." Read more
"...It is beautifully written." Read more
Customers appreciate the book's authenticity. They say it's well-written, dramatic, and takes you on a journey. The interviews with hospice patients are true, and the insight and honesty are appreciated.
"...I have nothing but praise for the author! Such insight, such honesty, .Sometimes we only read for a few minutes, sometimes a half hour, at which..." Read more
"...Well written, dramatic and real it takes you on a journey that will truly have a lasting impact on the reader." Read more
"True interviews of those Hospice patients’ dreams before they pass from this world." Read more
Top reviews from the United States
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- Reviewed in the United States on July 22, 2024I first heard about this book when the author was interviewed on a "People's Pharmacy" podcast. The author is director of Buffalo Hospice, a local organization that I support. I found it interesting that he conducted an actual study on end of life visions and their purpose. In my family, many dying relatives have had these visions, though we didn't usually talk about them for fear of being labeled "kooks". Nice to see someone taking this seriously and de-mystifying it. Lovely book. I'm grateful to the author.
- Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2024One of the best books I have ever read! I have nothing but praise for the author! Such insight, such honesty, .Sometimes we only read for a few minutes, sometimes a half hour, at which point we want to stop and soak in the love and humanity. Such a doorway into the soul world!
- Reviewed in the United States on July 13, 2020Interesting book.
- Reviewed in the United States on September 5, 2024The research in this book is aweinspiring and should be ready by every medical professional, not just those in hospice work. End of life dreams and visions help both the living and dying. Thank you for this profound rendition!
- Reviewed in the United States on March 23, 2023I found this to be a rewarding book that expanded my understanding of end-of-life experiences. I am a retired psychologist (and an octogenarian), so this is not a new area to me. Dr. Kerr is clear and to the point in his writing style. The book is focused on making the point that, “Dying is more than the suffering we observe or experience. Dying is a time of transition that triggers a transformation of perspective and perception.” The title derives from his observations that comforting and reconciling dreams are often a key feature of this process. His points are illustrated with humane and perceptive case reports. I recommend this book for anyone interested in expanding their understanding in this area.
- Reviewed in the United States on August 6, 2023This is an extraordinary book. This is NOT a book about NDEs (near-death experiences), but about the dreams, visions, reunions, forgiveness and insight that occurs at death's door, in the days and hours BEFORE death.
FINALLY, someone has taken this subject seriously and written about it clinically, in a scientific way. I am a believer in God, but that is a subjective experience for us. Dr. Kerr has taken an objective view, with compassion and understanding, instead of dismissal and attribution to hallucinations, delirium, or whatever other terms were used to disregard these very REAL and important experiences.
This is a book everyone should read who realizes death is coming... which means ALL of us.
- Reviewed in the United States on August 11, 2024I should have read a few reviews as I normally do before purchasing a book, because despite the title -- which TWICE mentions DREAMS, I somehow didn't think the entire book would be about that? My mistake! So I gave it a 3 and will add that many may find this book fascinating and interesting. I am not one of those but I can't and won't say it was "bad."
I thought it rather dry. I liked the parts where the author was directly interacting with the terminally ill patient and there WERE parts involving the dreams that I found interesting but mostly, I think it's impossible for ANYONE to truly know what death is like because we haven't gotten there yet. How does one truly know except going by their own faith, personal beliefs and even wishes and hopes? I think death would be absolutely terrifying for many of us to face if we didn't have our faith that assures us of an afterlife! But contrary to some, I don't see faith as a "crutch," I see it as a pathway from our Creator, to Him and eternity.
I felt the book is more an intellectual endeavor but well examined and presented.
- Reviewed in the United States on April 15, 2024This is a well written, hopeful book. If you or a loved one is at end of life, this book is for you. Nothing promised, just anecdotal observations and data, written by a hospice doctor.
Top reviews from other countries
- CamilleReviewed in Canada on July 9, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Understanding Death and Dying from True Stories
Compelling, educational, and comforting book of true stories from people facing death and dying compiled with empathy and sincerity by Dr. Kerr who brilliantly enlightens the reader by interweaving his own learning experience and understanding gained about life and the beyond as their hospice physician caregiver.
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AlonsoReviewed in Mexico on August 12, 2022
4.0 out of 5 stars Bueno
Bueno
- Monika BieriReviewed in Germany on January 4, 2025
5.0 out of 5 stars Everybody should know about it
Everybody should read this book. I’m very touched by it.
- Kevin Armstrong, DNP, APRNReviewed in Canada on May 17, 2023
5.0 out of 5 stars Outstanding book!
A beautiful and comprehensive account of the patient and family experience of dying. Well done Dr. Kerr and many thanks to all those patients and their families.
- premier72Reviewed in Germany on June 7, 2024
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful
Very enlightening