Book Review - --I was asked what kind of women attract the narcissist (and psychopath) - I just finished reading Sandra L. Brown, M.A.'s Women Who Love Psychopaths. This is an AMAZINGLY encompassing work and I'd say that coming through a relationship of inevitable harm, I found it relief-exploding in the evaluation of women who suffer from such contact. I said repeatedly that I felt my goodness was turned against me...and she categorizes just what and why this occurs....and "codependency" isn't in the mix. Women connected to the strange sycophant actually began the relationship "while impaired" - past periods of extended care-giving, loss such as divorce...even boredom. This is a unique study of the "victims" of psychopaths and their assets such as relationship investment. So many of the traits have been misdiagnosed as attachment formats. This illustrates the predictable cycle of these relationships and why the bonding is so strong - how the woman, normally strong and vital, feels so fragile or mentally ill. Dissonance from the victim's perspective has a great deal to do with the psychopath's dichotomy of his childlike quality and adult mystique, not to mention communication skills and techniques.
The entire book is compiled with data, explanation, reason, and connectivity. There is no fluff within the covers.
The reasons we find ourselves captivated by these "alien essences" can be
brought to light and Sandra Brown does this with clarity and an empathic comprehension - especially within the awareness of women because it is embarrassing being caught in the lure of sexuality. We are intelligent...and capable...and yet,
we succumbed to some fairy tale -explained are the release of hormones and the staging by the psychopath, even the differentiation in his use of language.
We who have been taught that communication is the tool for problem solving
find ourselves in the Twilight Zone. In so many fields and places in our
lives, we have no answers and even negatively critical judgments about "our
behavior." We are being held to incompatible standards. There exist so many conflicts with belief systems, ideologies, and spiritual and religious
principles where compassion is revered. It seems that we victims have been
"hoisted on our own petards."
....Ms. Brown's book covers everything I questioned....and it is an
affirmation that "something wicked this way comes." I don't mean to sound so
melodramatic that my review is discounted. The AHA-moments were almost at
every page, and most assuredly in every chapter. There is - if one enjoys
science fiction - a correlation with the short-lived TV show, "Threshold."
Awareness takes time.
I know many on blogs are "nutters" in their own right, mostly because they have not found the data to help themselves. So many therapists have simply not understood and the "pie-in-the-sky" New Thought folks have not come in
contact with this form of "alien" presence. It's not that it is evil (maybe
- ?), but the two philosophies for life - those in healthy (just the ups and
downs of routine dysfunctions, perhaps) states and those suffering
psychopathy are simply incompatible. Your phrase, "relationships of
inevitable harm" will forever ring true to me.
Here is the BIG QUESTION - and one ripe for a new book....because the numbers of psychopaths appear to be rising, how are we to live with these beings? I
understand the no contact rule and it is VITAL...but in the long run with the
thought that these people cannot be treated, for humanity, what are we to do?
Every chapter in her book has dog-eared corners in my home. I carry it with me to the restroom, I return it to the coffee table...and I USE it for reference.
As always in this life, the lessons are much more about myself. AND Sandra's
treatment of us victims is kind, observant, and chocked full of evaluational
data. I am floored and delighted that there are explanations for super
traits rather than that we have "failed" to be bright enough, wise enough, or even aware enough. I gleaned that my traits might just be valuable.
Somewhere the patriarchal (and yet, I have learned that men can be victims,
also) guidelines have become overly and overtly zealous. I don't believe it
is as simplistic as relationships with authority that comes into question,
although, our deep seated thoughts on "happily ever after" probably filters
many of our personal scope of evaluations.
I am never quite as trusting as once I was...and because I have daughters and grandsons, I am alert to those in our realm and my own reactions to them. I'm not paranoid, but neither do I let a brief intuitive feeling flow past without a moment of appraisal.
I wrote this (below) - and share it....so much is falling into place for me
(and MANY others) because of THIS book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, in
particular. I have read Brown's other works, but this one is of monumental
importance! There must be a more moving way to say this. It struck a chord
of complete connection and affirmation within my very being and soul. There
is REASON for the chaos into which I fell. And all with the best of
intentions. It is not concisely ONE AHA-moment, but everything in the book.
The explanations cover daily life with a psychopath...the lure, the
treatment, the forever changing terrain and MOST importantly the way we who
fall prey respond. For me, this book relates to my daily heartaches, fears,
anguish, and quest for my ideal. Not just of the relationship, but of the
"me" I knew before this fear-fest of an encounter. The absolute torture was
in the faltering grasp of my own humanity. AND to have AGREEMENT is CRUCIAL
for survival...not just mouthed upsets and emotions, but to comprehend the
why's. Interestingly, as I look over this review, I see the feelings
expressed. Our society seems to be based on these very emotions and the need to join and establish rapport. Transferring our thoughts and feelings onto this "other" who is called a psychopath reminds me of Michael Crichton's
book, Sphere. " What if the contact with an alien or artifact has no frame of
reference for us as human beings" is the gist of the novel. It appears to
have come to life today.
With profound respect and gratitude for allowing me to feel that my "style"
of emotional sharing is NOT the CAUSE of the psychopath's evil in pinpointing
me. It is, albeit, something to be watched and monitored by me, myself.
THANK YOU!
*********
Becky Reed ----
A Fairy Tale: Armageddon came Stealthily...
Once upon a time in a land called Earth, a species known as hominid developed
and populated the great globe. Surviving travail and cultural crises, the
societies rumbled forward - many individuals and groups striving for the
betterment of mankind. There did occur apparent deviations from global
empathy, but the other sectors of mankind continued to right their vector
momentum and crusade toward higher goals of mass survival and opportunity to
thrive as both individuals and congregations. The criteria focused upon
uplifted values and ethical perspectives for both mankind and the Earth.
As the citizenry grew, New Thought in the molding of ideas acted as a placebo
in calming and guiding the more highly educated and industrialized beings.
With the study of this domain of knowledge, presences could choose thought
patterns and people with whom to associate. This path carried them away from
the hubbub of troubles and daily engrossment in procuring the needs for base
physical continuation and those of remedially soothing influences on
emotional drives.
Preoccupied with attainment of beliefs and systems of convictions of truth,
and with confidence in this habit of mind, the inhabitants with all the
privileges of free men became less aware of other activities in their realm.
The great institutions of learning had categorized knowledge, functionality,
reasoning, and had even established schools of remediation for aberrant
intent of cogitation.
Within this finely tuned paradigm developed a tumor-like deviation of being
whose thought processes did not house the ability to experience empathy. The
vast scholarly institutions held that this was a psychological impulse of
will, could be corrected, and went about the business of formulating
treatments to reestablish balance for the individual, and thus, society as a
whole.
Insurgency began to arise within small numbers of natives who disagreed with
those within the great halls of understanding and their comprehension of
truth. Straying from the hallmarks of data and using primitive observation,
these rebels began to formulate a new idea - one divergent from the
psychological treatment vectors. This new concept began to take shape as
those within society reported horrific anguish from contact with a differing
strain of hominid. In these encounters, individuals found themselves
mesmerized, deprived of their original self-hood, callously used, devalued
while following the best and highest forms of their belief systems, having
their values and purposes shaken, and then unceremoniously "left for
dead." Rarely could aid be
found to salve the damaged psyches of the victims, for the true believers of
the old psychology formats simply were unable to fit the data into their
stable and well-acknowledged schools of belief.
Could it be that this uncustomary encounter with a divergent strain of
citizen could be more than a mutual tangency with an abnormally motivated
being? What if an influential drive was not the root, but an intrinsic style
of operation? How were the majority of presences to relate to this, and more
to the point, how were they to protect themselves from emotional harm? These
relationships proved unavoidably destructive to the well-being of individuals
and filtered to society.
The insurgents pooled efforts, information, and unified contact to discover
an amazing similarity with experiential reports. The strange behaviors of a
group of beings whose common description could be a total absence of empathy
began to form the base of understanding an event-horizon for any who remained
in contact. The most honored notions of forgiveness could not hold stasis and
a return to valued normality with this uncharted manner of conduct.
To remain viably humane and uphold the values of their domain, the primary
citizens recognized that the exclusion of "the others" was not an option
and yet, there might be no rehabilitation possible for this new strain of
presence. They would need to define a new application of learning which might
offer tools to formally acknowledge actions coupled with intuitive feelings
of those coming in contact with the alien co-citizenry. In addition,
techniques would be required to heal the damaged persons left in the wake of
such predators.
The glorious past eras of golden virtues might have faded, but a fearless
approach to handling the challenge of meshing two entirely foreign ideologies
for joint survival on the globe called Earth would stand as a gateway. This
ascension would bring change to the tried and true beliefs of the departed
generations and perhaps a tarnished overview of life as that given by the
prophets and teachers of great creeds. Today would prove an opening to a road
of awareness. Knowledge, itself, is not power, but the ability to use that
information and to do so with righteous intent would mark an evolving
humanity as it strives to incorporate the incompatible into a new world. We,
the insurgents are not the same. And so, it begins.
**********
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Reviews with images
Excellent. A must read.
One of the best books written about Cluster B Personalities. Highly recommend to my clients.Thank you Sandra for such a well researched and on spot book that will help many people.Laney Zukerman, Author, Lessons for an Urban GoddessEmpowerment Coach
