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The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss Paperback – February 7, 2023

by Mary-Frances O'Connor (Author)
4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 912 ratings
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NPR SciFri Book Club Pick

Next Big Idea Club's "Top 21 Psychology Books of 2022"

Behavioral Scientist Notable Books of 2022

A renowned grief expert and neuroscientist shares groundbreaking discoveries about what happens in our brain when we grieve, providing a new paradigm for understanding love, loss, and learning.

In The Grieving Brain, neuroscientist and psychologist Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD, gives us a fascinating new window into one of the hallmark experiences of being human. O’Connor has devoted decades to researching the effects of grief on the brain, and in this book, she makes cutting-edge neuroscience accessible through her contagious enthusiasm, and guides us through how we encode love and grief. With love, our neurons help us form attachments to others; but, with loss, our brain must come to terms with where our loved ones went, or how to imagine a future without them. 

The Grieving Brain addresses:

  • Why it’s so hard to understand that a loved one has died and is gone forever
  • Why grief causes so many emotions—sadness, anger, blame, guilt, and yearning
  • Why grieving takes so long
  • The distinction between grief and prolonged grief
  • Why we ruminate so much after we lose a loved one
  • How we go about restoring a meaningful life while grieving

Based on O’Connor’s own trailblazing neuroimaging work, research in the field, and her real-life stories, The Grieving Brain combines storytelling, accessible science, and practical knowledge that will help us better understand what happens when we grieve and how to navigate loss with more ease and grace. 

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    256 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    HarperOne
  4. Publication date
    February 7, 2023
  5. Dimensions
    5.31 x 0.58 x 8 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0062946242
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0062946249
  8. See all details
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From the Publisher

a renowned grief expert and neuroscientist shares groundbreaking...

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Backed by research and neuroscience...

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Editorial Reviews

Review

"For those who want to understand what’s happening to them and why grief is so confounding, this is a fascinating and comforting read.”  — Oprah Daily

“[A]n insightful book…fascinating look at what goes on inside our minds when we lose someone special.”
— Wake-Up Call, Katie Couric Media

“This book has helped so many who are grasping to make sense of loss, and I recommend it now, hoping that it will offer insights, solace, or even answers.”
— Amanda Stern, How to Live (blog)

“The Grieving Brain is a probing exploration into the science of grief and grieving. We are given an opportunity to view loss in a new way. If you have felt the pain of a loss and wondered if it will ever get better, O'Connor shows how the brain can help heal.” — Sharon Salzberg, author of Real Change

“A pioneer of the neuroscience of grief, O'Connor lays out in simple prose how we try to make sense of the impossible conundrum of loss. Anyone who's been through a loss or just wants to know how bereavement works, this is the book for you.” — George Bonanno, author of The End of Trauma

"We will all be touched by loss. To understand grief is to understand a fundamental human experience. This book is a powerful and comprehensive exploration of grief, the best I have read.”  — Roshi Joan Halifax, PhD, pioneer in the end-of-life care field and author of Standing at the Edge and Being with Dying

“Absorbing and wise, The Grieving Brain offers insights and coping mechanisms for those of us who have peered up from the depths of grief and wondered, why does this hurt so much? How can I make a meaningful life for myself now?”  — Maryanne O’Hara, author of Little Matches

"The Grieving Brain answered fascinating questions that I would not have thought to ask. State-of-science studies, fun facts and fascinating insights kept me turning pages and losing track of time."  — Ira Byock, MD, active emeritus professor, Dartmouth Geisel School of Medicine, author of Dying Well and The Best Care Possible

“[C]lear, confirming, compassionate, beautifully readable …”

— Mad In America

About the Author

Mary-Frances O’Connor, PhD is an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, where she directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab, investigating the effects of grief on the brain and the body. O’Connor earned a PhD in clinical psychology from the University of Arizona in 2004, and completed a post-doctoral fellowship in psychoneuroimmunology at the UCLA Semel Institute for Neuroscience and Human Behavior. Following a faculty appointment at UCLA Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, she returned to the University of Arizona in 2012. Having grown up in Montana, she now lives in sunny Tucson, Arizona.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ HarperOne (February 7, 2023)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0062946242
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0062946249
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 3.1 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.31 x 0.58 x 8 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.6 4.6 out of 5 stars 912 ratings

About the author

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Mary-Frances O'Connor

Mary-Frances O'Connor

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Mary-Frances O'Connor is an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, where she directs the Grief, Loss, and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab in investigating the effects of grief on the brain and the body.

O’Connor earned a doctorate from the University of Arizona in 2004 and completed a fellowship at UCLA. Following a faculty appointment at UCLA Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, she returned to the University of Arizona in 2012.

Her work has been published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, Biological Psychiatry, and Psychological Science, and featured in Newsweek, New York Times, and Washington Post.

Having grown up in Montana, she now lives in sunny Tucson, Arizona.

Customer reviews

4.6 out of 5 stars
4.6 out of 5
912 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Carole L.
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent
Reviewed in the United States on March 24, 2024
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The finest work I have read on the subject of grieving . Well researched, well presented. It has helped me understand my own grief process and gave me s lot of peace about it.
2 people found this helpful
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Gayle Scroggs, PhD, PCC
5.0 out of 5 stars Transformative and healing
Reviewed in the United States on March 24, 2024
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By reconstructing grieving as learning, the author offers hope and concrete possibilities for the bereaved. Her combination of scientific credibility and compassionate sensitivity makes this a most valuable book.
2 people found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Clinical
Reviewed in the United States on April 16, 2024
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Wasn’t what I thought but very interesting clinical book describes what a brain does physically/ chemically when grieving.
2 people found this helpful
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Lishar70
4.0 out of 5 stars Good book about grief & effects on brain
Reviewed in the United States on April 26, 2024
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I would have given this book 5 stars, but being a college graduate with bachelor degree & vast medical knowledge I felt the medical depth could be difficult to grasp for most.
One person found this helpful
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars An accessible, well-researched book on the grieving brain
Reviewed in the United States on February 21, 2022
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“Where is Hy,” asked my paternal grandfather for what seemed to be the 10th time in the last 10 minutes. Hy (my maternal grandfather) had passed away a few hours earlier after a brief and intense battle with colon cancer. And although the reason for the repetition was attributable to a stroke years before resulting in his inability to create new memories, the experience for a loved one following loss is not dissimilar. In her book, “The Grieving Brain,” Mary-Frances O’Connor explores the way the brain processes not just grief as an emotional response, but the lifelong experience of grieving. O’Connor weaves in personal experience, the role of evolution, extensive clinical work and a large body of scientific research (much of which she conducted herself) to explore the nature of the very human experience of grief with an emphasis on complicated grief. She explains how our “problem-solving” & “predicting” brain has a virtual “map” of interactions with and memories of loved ones that tracks the “here, now, and close” aspects of these relationships and triggers our grief response over and over as these neural pathways get reactivated in the absence of the individual. O’Connor respectfully debunks out of date conceptualizations of the grief process and compassionately offers alternative approaches to coping with loss that include both loss-oriented as well as restoration-oriented coping. In practice, this highlights the importance of moving toward accepting the loss (i.e., making room for feelings of grief instead of actively avoiding the feelings), increasing flexibility in the ways we respond to our experience of grief, being mindful of our experience with these varied responses, and taking steps to create a meaningful life in line with what matters most to us (and which may be wholly different subsequent to the loss). In sum, O’Connor captures the richness and depth in the way we, and our brains, process grief and shines light on the possibility of creating a meaningful life following loss.
63 people found this helpful
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Vini M.
5.0 out of 5 stars Very comforting to read.
Reviewed in the United States on January 8, 2024
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It helped me to understand how much the brain struggles with the absence of our love one. I'm not alone in this transition and how important is to be patient with myself and everyon who's grieving.
I found the explanation very easy to comprehend and it builds up on the explanations. I truly recommend this book.
12 people found this helpful
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Alan Holyoak
5.0 out of 5 stars I was sad when I reached the end...it's that good
Reviewed in the United States on April 24, 2023
Verified Purchase
OK, where to start?

I lost my wife of 34 years suddenly and unexpectedly almost a year ago. We had a healthy and happy life, and her loss was devastating. Though I was able to be functional enough to take care of my needs, many days seemed to be little more than enduring until the next day. Early on, I read a great book titled, "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Noel and Blair, which helped me. That book was designed to help people who are grieving in the aftermath of the sudden loss of a loved one.

A few months ago, I heard about this book, and enthusiastically ordered a copy. It is NOT a self-help book, or guide to grieving or anything like that. This book is different. It's written by one of the leading researchers in the field of clinical psychology and neurobiology, and focuses on what we now know about how the brain changes as we develop a relationship, and how the brain reacts when that relationship is lost.

Maybe it's because I am a scientist, but the way O'Connor lays out what we know, how we know it, and what it means was like light after light going on for me as I continued the process of grieving and recovering from the effects of the loss of my wife.

While the entire book was interesting and enlightening, I found direct connections between what she writes about and what I have been experiencing, and this book helped me put my experiences into context - a great help, you might even say a great blessing.

One thing that surprisingly helped me more than I could have imagined was a 4-page section about insomnia, why it happens, what happens when that happens, and what to do about it. That took away all kinds of stress as I prepared for bed each night. While I may now wake up from time to time more than before my wife passed away, I now sleep much better than I did before reading this book.

I can't say enough good about this book, and what it's helped me understand about what my brain is going through in it's best efforts to keep up with what happened and what is happening.

I'm now half-way through my second read of this book.

5 stars
193 people found this helpful
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Mona Short
5.0 out of 5 stars Very great information
Reviewed in the United States on February 28, 2024
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Very useful information and will expand knowledge about grief. It has been so useful to me. Highly recommended.
One person found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Anyone trying to navigate the grieving process would find this book helpful
Reviewed in Canada on May 10, 2022
Verified Purchase
My husband of 43yrs passed suddenly in his sleep. The grieving process is complex and no matter how much support you have around you in the end you have to deal with it yourself. No one can tell you how it feels as everyone's pain is unique and so so personal. There were parts of this book that resonated so well with what I am going through that it could have been written for me. It helped to understand why my brain was making me feel such emotional and physical pain and how I could, and would, get through it. This book was written with such insight and compassion, all the time explaining the science in a clear relatable way. I will continue to re-read this book as I move through my journey. I has certainly helped me to make some sense of what I am facing and how I can survive and navigate my way forward.
9 people found this helpful
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MalcH
5.0 out of 5 stars Well worth reading
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on January 25, 2024
Verified Purchase
This is thoroughly recommended for anyone suffering bereavement or close to someone suffering - I belief it will help.
Heart wrenching in places but very useful in understanding the process the brain goes through.
3 people found this helpful
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HMM
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing
Reviewed in Australia on May 12, 2023
Verified Purchase
I found this book very informative and helpful. Understanding how the brain functions has helped me understand my own grief more, why it can take so long, and why it manifests itself in different ways and comes uninvited.
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LoveBooks
5.0 out of 5 stars Very up to date
Reviewed in Canada on October 17, 2023
Verified Purchase
In the grief field, this book adds the most current scientific information. Excellent primer.
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Betsy Ndachung
1.0 out of 5 stars The cover of the book has been placed wrongly
Reviewed in India on March 25, 2023
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